Struggling with difficult family dynamics and feeling exhausted by parenting

[Mercier1]

I’m really struggling with my family. And unsure what to do. I’m married and have two DS age 7 & 10.

my 7 yo is really lovely, but sometimes does have meltdowns, he’s also got a bit of a hyper energy and will incessantly go on and on about something until we give in but he’s really loving and empathic.

my 10 yo is way more complex and sometimes I feel like he is abusive to us. He can be really lacking in empathy, blames others and is so very rude. He is also very loving etc but I’m just really struggling with family life which feels relentlessly unenjoyable.
We walk on eggshells around him, if he doesn’t want to go out at the weekend - often - we are all held hostage inside.

every weekend will be arguing, loads of horse play and fighting between the boys. They really disrespect the house, they do nothing for themselves ans we lie with them both every night. They guilt trip me if I do something with friends and they give me loads of shit about my work- I work for myself and sometimes i have to travel for work.

my marriage is not amazing and there is plenty of low level conflict there too. I just find life really exhausting stressful and shit, and I crave time
alone and away from them all.

I don’t know how to change it, is this normal? Will it ever get better?

Ffs. Sounds so intense. I’m so sorry.

Honestly, it's a lot more peaceful without him here. His mood could fill the whole house, and you felt you were walking on eggshells.

I understand I have been in your shoes it's exhausting. For those who's children don't act this way, can't understand, it's not what your writing down, it's everything else, constantly for hrs a day, every day, chipping away at any new idea, stance, way to parent. It doesn't make sense to anyone. Knowing things will be broken without apologising and immediately doing it again.
Your correct with dad about bedtime, if he wants to continue great, leave the house, go to gym or a walk, friends don't debate, leave. Come back when you said you would, be consistent.
Work on clear boundaries with therapist before putting them into place. They don't have to follow them but you do.
Kids already saying awful things about you, don't argue with him about it. He's getting something from the interaction, your not on trial, do the right thing with no debate.
Lock on bedroom door, they can't be trusted, you need your personal space -respected.
I totally get the held at home hostage, have a boring option if he doesn't want to come, but WiFi off.
I really feel for you, it's so hard.

You can only be in charge of your behaviour, leave the room instead of telling husband to stop talking, return when it's calm, restart conversation.
Come home full of fun and chat about being out, nothing wrong with seeing friends, that's allowed.
Kids get tied up with weird rules and does and don'ts, I hope you get to the bottom of why, but you won't while exhausted, annoyed and stressed. You want change, it's not the kids job to start the change, it's yours, for yourself. Make the one dinner, rather than pandering, shrug and go in another room when he starts moaning.
Your stuck in a predictable rut, which child knows how it begins and ends, they are in control, take back that power, love them, explain when they are calm, quiet when the freak out , your just fueling their outburst, unknowingly.
I wish I had more sleep, understanding, time and knowledge of what I was in, always waiting for it to kick off is worse than the outburst. It's easier to see the further back you are from it x

Thank you for your great words.
and to the OP, I haven’t much advise, but just want to send solidarity. a lot resonates, not the specifics, but the overwhelm you feel when they direct their negative emotions to you all the time and no matter what you do, you know it will happen

Thank you. This is what I came here for, some ideas, solidarity and affirmation I’m not mad.

Fully agree with this. You can still be a "gentle parent" loving, supportive e.t.c. whilst imposing very strict boundaries. Having read the thread it sounds like you need to have this approach with your husband as well!

As your eldest likes to think you have the most important opinion take that as a badge of honour and double down on it. I literally say these words to my kids to conclude a disagreement "because we are the boss..." Kids are not equal to parents and too many people think they are nowadays!

I agree I’ve been working on this. He came out of school horrible and I said this is off the table now for a week (it was a stupid emotional outburst) and then he was sulking so I said just come in when you want and carried on about my day. Before I would have cajoled him a lot more. He’s backed down and said sorry. Let’s see how things go day to day. I also said you’re not the Center of the universe so get over yourself. Ha!

my husband is hard work. Relationship is very up and down. I work on it but fundamentally feel he doesn’t get or support me how I need.