Struggling with difficult family dynamics and feeling exhausted by parenting

[Mercier1]

I’m really struggling with my family. And unsure what to do. I’m married and have two DS age 7 & 10.

my 7 yo is really lovely, but sometimes does have meltdowns, he’s also got a bit of a hyper energy and will incessantly go on and on about something until we give in but he’s really loving and empathic.

my 10 yo is way more complex and sometimes I feel like he is abusive to us. He can be really lacking in empathy, blames others and is so very rude. He is also very loving etc but I’m just really struggling with family life which feels relentlessly unenjoyable.
We walk on eggshells around him, if he doesn’t want to go out at the weekend - often - we are all held hostage inside.

every weekend will be arguing, loads of horse play and fighting between the boys. They really disrespect the house, they do nothing for themselves ans we lie with them both every night. They guilt trip me if I do something with friends and they give me loads of shit about my work- I work for myself and sometimes i have to travel for work.

my marriage is not amazing and there is plenty of low level conflict there too. I just find life really exhausting stressful and shit, and I crave time
alone and away from them all.

I don’t know how to change it, is this normal? Will it ever get better?

Thank you. What’s clear is my husband does not support my choice to not lie with the children. He’s undermining my choice, by doing it when I’ve said many times I dont want to anymore. He said in front of them last night but I like it and it’s bonding so I said that’s fine go ahead. This will be thrown in my face that I’m the bad parent later. I’m just trying to paint a picture for ppl.

No. I booked and paid for something they wanted to do. He changes his mind a few minutes before and if he stays at home it’s just to access a screen which my husband will have to give him so he can functionally do his actual job. He then changed his mind again when I said that’s fine stay: the issue is not him changing his mind it’s his reason- that I’m conning him!!!! That it’s all a ploy for me to see a friend - it wasn’t. - and that whole attitude towards me and my friends. Btw I have no family around or really in my life. He’s allowed to not want to go but it’s the rudeness about me. I find it a form of control!

You're taking his statements too literally. He's 10, he doesn't want to go, he's just saying things.

The attitude is basically - I don't trust you, I feel controlled, I have no power. This is a normal thing for kids to feel and express. Kids who slam doors or hide things or sneak out are expressing the same thing.

I think you and your family would be really good candidates for family psychotherapy. www.theafsp.org/

I don’t think I am, this is something he has learnt to do. He has literally followed me out of the house into the street to stop me going to the gym, or to a cafe to work when I need to catch up on things. I’m talking stand up rows in the street where he will get into the car to stop me driving somewhere. It’s not just something kids say. No one I know has kids who hate them and resent them for doing anything at all? And who use this as a stick to beat them with when they have to work etc.

how do I deal with this?

Hmmm....maybe. I thought family therapy would be the answer with DS1, who sounds similar, and of course what happened is that he simply refused to engage.

You get him help. If you think there's something seriously wrong, stop getting angry and start looking for proper professional help for him.

Alongside waiting for that, start reducing the pressure in the family - including on yourself - where you can.

An easy first step is don't book things in advance that aren't essential. It's COMPLETELY normal for young kids to change their minds. Just don't create situations where this causes an issue. Research low demand households.

I agree, and he sounds very clever- he's targeting your weak spots and manipulating your desire to be a good parent in order to get what he wants, isn't he? I mean, in that instance I would absolutely have been asserting that there is nothing wrong with mum having her own friends, but overall there's something going on, isn't there? Maybe anxiety, maybe PDA...

Obviously nothing wrong with a parent having friends or going to work. That doesn't mean a young kid that finds that upsetting is behaving maliciously. Agree there will be an underlying reason.

Frankly I can’t afford it and we are not going to meet any nhs threshold, are we. And my husband will not be inclined either. I contacted a play therapist about family constellation therapy and he (dh) was concerned about othering the child and didn’t want to engage.

So you’re basically saying this behaviour is something I have to live with? That it’s normal for ten year olds to behave in this way? I can’t afford professional help and no one wants it bar me, I’m not angry I’m at my wits end and you’re basically blaming me. I have another child who is hurt and upset by how my sons speaks about and too me.

This is wild. So he doesn’t want to go to childcare and therefore I do what? He has huge meltdowns because he has to go to after school club for an hour , there is nothing I can do about this we need to work, I take half days twice a week to pick them up. My husband works more hours per week than me and none of this is directed at him ever. We can’t function as a family bc of his response to these things and I have to live with it? My husband doesn’t get this abuse, and he refuses to see how it impacts me.

Thank you. This is what it feels like. I feel broken by the summer tbh. I’m under huge personal financial pressure and this is not what I need at the moment. Thanks for the empathy.

No one is saying you have to put up with it. I am saying you have to help him so this problem improves for you.

You said you are yourself receiving therapy, so perhaps you could discuss there to help you handle things.

You also can go to the GP with your concerns and ask for a referral to CAMHS as your son is extremely unhappy and dysregulated. You can ask a hool for help for him.

What answer are you looking for?

This magic 'help' everyone seems to think exists . There really is none and we all have to deal with our own sh*t .

No one is saying you have to live with it. I haven't said anything about childcare, I don't understand that part, the discussion was about the swimming trip with friends.

There's obviously lots going on, I really hope term starting will help as summer is always the toughest time.

This is true to a great extent unfortunately. It is always worth talking to school and GP though as they are the gatekeepers to what little there is.

This sounds really hard. I think fundamentally this is a (classic Mumsnet) DH problem.

What does DH do when your son is sitting in the car stopping you from going to work? Or when he is fussing about going swimming?

From everything you say, your DH is actively unhelpful - he undermines the boundaries you have set (lying with the DC at bedtime, giving a screen to the child who refuses swimming). Whether that's because it makes his life easier or because he gets to feel good about himself in some way, or some other reason it's ending up with you being the bad cop every time.

My DH and I briefly had a similar dynamic where he felt some of my boundaries with our DS were too harsh and saying so / negotiating every time DS was upset about a boundary. He also has a tendency to think about the immediate reaction of DS rather than the long term benefits of changing a tricky behaviour. That predictably led to DS running to him sobbing every time I asked him to do something he didn't want. And both DH and I getting overwhelmed by lots of demanding behaviour by DS.

The difference is that after I pointed the issue out to him and explained how it was undermining my relationship with DS he basically stopped doing it -- and DS also stopped running to him about how unfair I am. Whereas it doesn't sound like your DH is open to changing any of his parenting at all?

I spoke to the school, nothing doing. And I asked my friend who’s a Gp said GP would have a chat but prob nothing to be done. I will chase the school now we have a new teacher and I can speak to the GP. I spoke to my therapist today who understands and empathises. She thinks I’m doing my best and I think she thinks my husband is part of the problem. Not sure how to fix that.

I don’t know what answer I’m looking for. But others have made suggestions. You’ve focused in on one example and made out I’m being unreasonable about swimming when it’s not about that at all. And as for low demand, we are very low demand as is. Nothing much is in the diary at the weekends and he will want to sit in his pants and stay home.

I need to book him swimming lessons bc on holidays he feels humiliated he can’t swim when other kids can, but when it comes to going to lessons I’ve pre paid for and cant afford he will kick off.

he’s not severe enough to be labelled anything which might give context and access help, he’s so intelligent and articulate it’s wild.

im caught between a rock and a hard place. I guess I wanted to know if this is life with kids or I’m in a shitty situation.

and I think the tone of some of the criticism of me is a bit rich. I’m absolutely killing myself to make my kids happy, I’d like a break!

Thank you. I have tried so hard with this man, to explain how hard I’m finding it. With the swimming he said child should be applauded for not having a full meltdown and climbing back down off the hill. Thinks DS has low self esteem. For the car incident he called him back etc and was like this is unreasonable and tells me to go. He has worked hard on talking to him and has rules on the fridge about making sure he is eating/drinking etc as this can be a problem - lack of introception I think it’s called

but the biggest problem is he is boundary less in front of them. If I say please don’t discuss this we can talk in private he continues.

example they - kids - both knocked over two drinks on my bedside table fighting in my bed - destroyed books I had bought my friend for her b day, plus loads of my things: I was gutted. Husband was worse and screaming etc. child told him to fuck off. I actually stayed calm and explained to younger why I was upset, why he is not welcome in my room. He said sorry. Elder doubles down and they are discussing and I come in and say my piece. Dh says can I say something and I said no please leave it now - I know he’s going to contradict me- he carried on and in front of them makes it about me calling all the shots. Later the next day child says - dads right you’re the only one who gets to have an opinion.

where do I go from here?

I’m absolutely killing myself to make my kids happy
Sometimes they are not happy for reasons that are not easy to fix, that doesn't mean the parent is doing a bad job.

I wondered about this- and tried to find family therapy- for years. And then suddenly DS1'S Y11 tutor did what nobody else had and wrote every parent a letter just checking in that everything was OK. And I answered honestly, saying "No, I'm having so many problems with him that I'm on the verge of kicking him out". Which suddenly led to a meeting with pastoral care and the HoY, which led to us being assigned a youth worker, which led to us being assigned a family therapist. Just like that, all for free. Of course none of us could make DS1 engage though, and I have- indeed- kicked him out now. So, the magic portal in our county is the local council's family hub. I suspect all counties have a different system, but it's worth giving it a whirl.

Wow ok. Thank you. Can I ask how you ended up kicking him out?

I would: do an online autism/ PDA/ADHD questionnaire on his behalf (there are some quite reputable ones out there, and absolutely don't pay any money!) in order to clarify what you think might be going on, and then making an appointment with the school SENCO to discuss your concerns.

Because I'm autistic, and DS2 is awaiting an autism assessment (he comes across as a classic Aspergers- type "little professor", as did I at that age, and ironically is a far easier child than DS1),I tended to write DS1 off as the family neurotypical. I now wonder strongly about that- I suspect some kind of ADHD with PDA element, but of course now he won't fucking engaaaaaaaage will he! I think you have a lot more scope to intervene with a 10 year old.

One final nuclear reaction to me saying "No" to something (in this case to making and deep frying onion rings from scratch, as he has a tendency to switch a pan of oil on and then just....wander off), involving browbeating me, and twisting my words, and I lost my rag and locked him out.

He has lots of places to stay- he's very charming to everybody except me- friends, his girlfriend's, and he's also found his biological dad who lives nearby (and is an absolute piece of work, but that's another story), so he has plenty of places to go.

He did ask (well, demand) to come back a couple of weeks ago and I said "I'd love to have you back, but you have to agree not to be horrible to me or your brother, and you have to willingly undertake your share of the chores". At which he stomped back off to dad's again, saying he doesn't have to do chores there 🤷‍♀️