Struggling with difficult family dynamics and feeling exhausted by parenting

[Mercier1]

I’m really struggling with my family. And unsure what to do. I’m married and have two DS age 7 & 10.

my 7 yo is really lovely, but sometimes does have meltdowns, he’s also got a bit of a hyper energy and will incessantly go on and on about something until we give in but he’s really loving and empathic.

my 10 yo is way more complex and sometimes I feel like he is abusive to us. He can be really lacking in empathy, blames others and is so very rude. He is also very loving etc but I’m just really struggling with family life which feels relentlessly unenjoyable.
We walk on eggshells around him, if he doesn’t want to go out at the weekend - often - we are all held hostage inside.

every weekend will be arguing, loads of horse play and fighting between the boys. They really disrespect the house, they do nothing for themselves ans we lie with them both every night. They guilt trip me if I do something with friends and they give me loads of shit about my work- I work for myself and sometimes i have to travel for work.

my marriage is not amazing and there is plenty of low level conflict there too. I just find life really exhausting stressful and shit, and I crave time
alone and away from them all.

I don’t know how to change it, is this normal? Will it ever get better?

He does a lot, they perceive me as not doing enough with them. “You care about your business more than us”
you are always with your friends etc etc. i was going to the gym one night a week with pals for group pt and they kicked off so much it was a nightmare. I do spend time with friends but ive pulled back a lot and im home as much as possible.

I wouldn’t mind if he said mum I don’t fancy this. It’s the fact I know he wants to come but instead of being sound he tells me I’m conning him, and the last time we went to the pool I was not with them 100% of the time. It’s all ridiculous so unreasonable and also not even true. Of course then he changes his mind and my dh thinks he needs to be applauded for pulling himself back but then the first thing he did when we got there was tell one of the kids their shared friend doesn’t like her. It’s like he’s hardwired to be shitty.

If husband is autistic the children might be. It runs in families.

I'd divorce and let him do some of the parenting by himself.

His shitty undermining behaviour will be making it all 100 times worse.

Realistically, he won't do 50%of it. Maybe 20%. But that's a couple of weekends a month you have to yourself

Why on earth are you enabling this behaviour?

You know you do a lot for them
You know that mothers are allowed to go to the gym or spend time with friends
You know that they are old enough to understand that the world doesn't revolve around them

Nip it in the bud.

Not diagnosed but traits and his worse elements mirror same in my son- nit picking / criticism etc

How am I enabling? I’m at my wits end and I’m doing my best. I do go to the gym or see friends.i have an active social life. But I can’t help how they are behaving in relation to it. It’s hardly enabling. What would you do differently?

Have you read about PDA @Mercier1 ?

i can’t afford to divorce and my kids would be in bits if we did. They would then hate me all the more. Ultimately he thinks our eldest has low self esteem. In some of his dark moments (DS) he says he wishes he wasn’t here- this has happened a few times. He seems to internalise negativity about himself when we tell him off and gets very much “I’m a bad kid”. He also says we don’t love him etc which I find really infuriating bc it’s so obviously untrue and their life is a million times more nurturing and affectionate than I ever had. I’ve started to really hip that I’m the bud and say I’m not listening bc it’s so untrue etc. honestly I am at a complete loss.

Yes a few have suggested this- he is amazing at school and glowing report but we have had a few texts about his behaviour towards other kid in his class that’s meant to be a pal. He does nothing you ask, or it takes agesssssss. Like tooth brushing etc

Everything you have said about DC1 is screaming PDA autism. DC2 is probably neurotypical but living in a difficult set of circumstances so acting up. But equally could be neurodivergent too, he’s very young still so could be hard to tell. Have you approached school about DC1s behaviour at home despite the glowing reports?

This sounds hard. Usually I’d have some advice but it sounds really tricky on all fronts.

You might do well using some of the techniques for handling teens - so stay very calm when he is being unpleasant and simply say, “that’s not how I expect to be spoken to, please can you leave the room for a few minutes and come back and try talking to me about this calmly so we can figure out a solution.”

I also agree with pps that it isn’t healthy to fall asleep with the 10yo. Does he share a room with his db? Do they have the same bedtime (surely not)? I’d be saying it’s a fresh start for the new school year, and from now on its lights out and go to sleep at x o’clock.

Yup. They say they will seek pastoral support for him and nothing happens. Then school term ends need so I’ll pick this up this week again.

So I did this tonight- my DH just came in from supermarket and I said hey we aren’t lieing with the kids anymore new start etc and they’ve accepted it well. He says he wants to do it, it’s bonding etc and and I said fine but I’m not doing it again, you need to do it every night from now on and you also need to see this is what makes me look bad to them. So it affects me too.

If I said this he would keep pushing, hard. This is what I do say. I have had to physically restrain him a few times and I’ve been really proud of how I didn’t loose it but was extremely clear and firm that I wouldn’t let him hit me. He rarely tries that on. But his words can be so cutting. And if I said don’t ext he would say I don’t care/ shut up etc. then we have a massive blow up of emotions and he becomes self loathing.

God the PDA thing is very accurate. What do I do with this?

He is really intelligent and smart.

I think you need to take a step back and re-read this post carefully.

Your son is struggling in a family with difficult dynamics and you're projecting a lot of your emotions onto him, and blaming him excessively.

Kids say ridiculous things. Adults need to ignore the noise and focus on what matters.

Have you considered getting therapy just for you to help you handle your responses around all this?

I don’t think this is fair. Firstly I’m in therapy. And secondly I’m not blaming him excessively, the whole family is struggling bc of the dynamic. I don’t think being constantly criticised and put down by my child is ok? That was one small example which on its own is not a big deal it’s the constant attitude he has towards me and all of us.

do I need to list off all the ways? What would you do in this situation? What response am I giving that’s incorrect? I comfort him when he’s sad, I try to give boundaries and explain what’s not ok. I talk through everything all the time. What am I doing wrong?

You and your partner need to be on the same page. Sounds like you are not. Children need firm boundaries and not wishy-washy-sometimes there’s a consequence for behaviour and sometimes we just can’t be arsed to follow it through. Manipulating you about going out shouldn’t be entertained. You state firmly your truth,that you need your time in order to function as a parent/person, stick to the facts, don’t be embroiled in a discussion and leave. The sleeping next to a 10 year old is bonkers and can’t believe it’s gone on so long, kids need boundaries. They will push them and rail against them but they need them to make them feel secure, sometimes you have to put up with being disliked and the bad parent, that’s just life. You are not there to be the best friend. You need to get the respect back.

But your DC are children. They are lashing out in a way which they've learnt will work. To undo it you can't turn back time, or find the magic words. Its a long tough struggle to enforce boundaries, listen to their needs, and not get caught up in the noise (as PP described so well). Your therapy maybe more about your feelings, you need support on stepping away from the feelings to support your DC.

I don’t really see this as a problem. He can stay home and have a boring day whilst his dad works or come with you to the pool. Sounds like a win for me that you’ve now only got one of them for swimming!

As soon as I read your original post I thought the oldest sounds like he has PDA autism. My DD has it (formally diagnosed) and it is really challenging and little-understood. One of the main things it really affects is, as you say, making plans for things because money gets lost if you book things, and plans constantly change if you don't.... what people don't really understand about PDA is that kids refuse to do even the things they WANT TO DO. I know it sounds utterly mad and I couldn't believe what I was reading when I first discovered it but it is my DD to a tee.

There is no easy fix but the main thing that has really changed things for me was discovering non-declarative language. It's not easy to give examples but essentially PDA kids respond much better if you don't ever ask them to do anything directly. I couldn't believe it would be effective but it is. So instead of 'it's time to go swimming soon' you say something like 'oh I wonder if they'll have the floats out again/ that nice hot chocolate in the cafe like last time' [fill in the blank with whatever will tempt the child].

Just thought I would mention this as you're looking for concrete things you can do. Read up on PDA, it's such a weird unique issue but there are techniques you can try.

I've come back to this as I couldn't stop thinking about a few other things the OP mentioned - being guilt-tripped about going out for ONE evening to work out and the turn of phrase 'a con to see your friends' I think both of these are troubling. What the heck is wrong with meeting a mum friend WITH your kids to go swimming, for goodness' sake.

My 10yo does sometimes moan about me going out but that's because she's attached to me and not keen on babysitters / my mum looking after her, not because she has some sort of sense that a mum doing something for herself is somehow wrong.

The way your son is phrasing those things makes me think he has heard it somewhere, does your DH lead on this by complaining if you go out? I think if he does it's a bit controlling and is contributing to this dynamic where you get blamed, which is unfair.

When he says he doesn't want to go, if his dad is home, I'd say 'Well you're very welcome if you do want to come, but you're fine to have a quiet time at home with dad if you'd rather.'

Where is the issue if he's safe and happy at home? You created that argument, not your child.

Everyone's life is made up of thousands of small interactions. If you as the adult can try to change some of them from conflict to non-conflict the pattern overall improves.

You're blaming him excessively by not accepting any scope for change on your side. This statement for example: It’s like he’s hardwired to be shitty puts excessive blame on him.