How to deal with DS5 hitting dd9?

[TrollRoad]

When DS5 is upset he gets violent and often his sister9 bears the brunt of it. He hits, kicks, bites, scratches or throws things. She usually screams or cries but she won't hit back as she doesn't want him to get hurt.

We remove him immediately and then tend to DD to check if she's ok. He's usually quite upset and scared himself after hitting anyone so I do hug him and tell him I love him and that we are there for him. He obviously feels bad but he refuses to apologise or even ask DD if she's ok. We have explained to him time and time again that hitting or any other form of violence is not ok and that we won't accept it. He gets an automatic TV ban for violence but I doubt that in that moment when he's in a rage he is actually capable of stopping himself from being violent.

DD always forgives him and often makes the first move to make up again but I am so scared that eventually this will affect their relationship or that he will grow up to be a violent person.

When he's not upset he is of course lovely and then I think he will eventually grow out of it but what if he doesn't? Besides till that happens DD has a right to be safe at all times.

They usually get on well and in spite the age gap still play nicely together (though DS has lashed out before as well. Actually every time he gets upset) but the holidays have just forced them to spend too much time with each other. Also, DH and me have no leave left so are working full time (grand parents are at home with the kids or they go to holiday clubs), which probably doesn't help.

Any advice? Does anyone have experience of this? What helped? Equally important, what didn't help?

Sorry OP but I agree with the basic sentiment of that post - although it was delivered a bit hysterically it is fundamentally true to say your passifying has caused the issues

You could look at boxing for your dd as well as play therapy for your son.

After only half an hour???

Does he have SEN that his sister worries about? If so ask professionals that work with him for strategies.

If you feel he is a typically developing child teach DD to stand up for herself and not be her brother’s punching bag. If son learns hitting as his default response, as he gets into school he will have no friends.

So absolutely no hugging or kissing until he apologizes. If it takes 4 hours or more of him being angry then that is his choice.

No TV might not be a big enough punishment - it is not working is it! Make sure that at least one adult is with them as much as possible. Keep happy energy but react when you see things building up.

Good luck. Some kids are hard work.

Don’t be afraid to let him know clearly that when he has done the wrong thing to someone else nothing good will happen for him and it might make him feel sad — that includes him hitting his sister, parents and grandparents

Channel your inner Supernanny. Keep to as few words as possible “no hitting” in a very firm voice.

Remove him from the situation - doesn’t mean a naughty step though. Please address his behavior now. If he has learned not to do it in school then he can do it at home.

You are getting good advice here. Be firm, put in boundaries. Also you might remind him before he starts the game with his sister that there is to be no hitting.

Another thought - is he a bad loser? You might need to address that too.

You are being wet and lily livered and failing your daughter. He should sit on a kitchen or dining chair (a hard and uncomfortable one) with nothing to distract him until he apologises. If this takes three hours, so be it. If it’s bedtime, he gets taken to bed, lights out, no interaction. He needs to feel scared and understand what he has done. But he probably won’t manage this until he thumps another child and they knock ten bells out of him.

DD2 still remembers the punishment she got for biting DD1. And she didn’t do it again.

Sometimes on here you have to be a wee bit dramatic to cut through. Apparently it has as she read and replied to my post.
It's also easier for outsiders to see the dynamic that is going on than if you're dealing with a day-to-day and habits have already been established

Absolutely. He doesn’t need play therapy or a cuddle. He needs a sharp decisive unpleasant consequence to being a little shit so he stops being one. He is far too old to still be hitting.

That’s the thing that struck me about your comment earlier where you said about him growing out of this, most will have readied by around 3 that hitting people on temper is not socially acceptable.

I think at 5 you’re right that his lack of self regulation is an issue.

A few people have mentioned different triggers, can I ask if he might also be constipated at that can often lead to poor behaviour.

How does he do on this simple progress checker?

The suggestion of Zones of Regulation is a good one. I’d also look at working in self regulation. Try a weighted blanket at night, a high protein breakfast and snacks and introduce guided meditation.

A Martial Art is also great for self regulation. I would ask both of them if they want to give it a go, it doesn’t have to be together.

Agreed. My first thought on seeing that was ‘play therapy? Ffs, gentle parenting has got a LOT to answer for. Just bloody deal with it!’

He’s constipated? Really?
You seriously think that’s a reason for a five year old lashing out at everyone in a temper?

So he has some sort of control as he is not hitting at school and clubs. It was sad to read that your daughter doesn’t retaliate almost accepting 😔 A consistent no, removal from the situation and consequences. You all need to be singing of the same hymn sheet too.

Smittens your post has all the buzz words

self Regulation
Protein
Weighted blankets
Meditation.

This is a 5 year old boy who needs to
learn it’s unacceptable to
hit people! Preferably by way of a short targeted consequence.

Stop with this gentle parenting stuff . He hits his sister and gets a hug , you’re rewarding bad behaviour . He needs to feel punished and there’s no point him keep apologising to her if he keeps doing it.

I’m sorry but never mind all this crap, this is happening repeatedly, I presume you are already speaking with school and the Gp?

in the meantime you need to helicopter parent your DS and give him zero opportunities to hurt his sister, no matter how inconvenient it is for you and your husband.

you are failing her, you are teaching her to accept violence and that she needs to be the fixer.

Do better and put yourselves between them. They absolutely cannot be left alone together, and if that means your DS has to sit in the kitchen while you make food or run errands with you, do housework etc so his sister can be safe, then so be it.

yes or out in the garden to calm down

Please tell me that's not a serious question. No, classes of Y1 children are not regularly hitting each other. Nor refusing to apologise.

Smittens? I thought I was back in School then and being referred to by my last name.

OP I’m sorry you’ve had so much flack especially from posters who seem to be confusing the Parenting Section with the more robust AIBU Section.

The post from me was not “buzz words”. I gave advice on what had helped my dysregulated DC2.

I am not a fan of gentle parenting and had tried all of the things you generally try when trying to get your DC to behave like a stern voice, time out or removal of privileges.

When MNers rock up on the section it’s usually because they’ve tried all of those and none of them work. Normal discipline techniques not working is very rarely the fault of the Parent although you’ll probably end up being referred to a parenting course shortly.

Assuming that you are that the point where you’ve tried all the advice and he’s still unable to control his anger, I would read 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, do the progress checker I linked to and ask the School SENCO to observe him when School returns. You can contact them now about this

Gentle parenting the way your doing it won't work your rewarding his bad behaviour by reassuring him that it's ok to hit dd we still love u !!
U need to tell him off with a sharp.tone remove him and he doesn't come back until he says he's sorry .
And no attention until he feels bad he needs to feel bad and guilt if u teach him not to feel guilty he will do much worse !
And also teach your daughter NOT to make the first move your also setting her up to become a victim !!
Sorry if this is blunt but this is what I need to work on

I suggest you read Dr Dan Siegler's book 'No-Drama Discipline'. Very helpful!
https://drdansiegel.com/book/no-drama-discipline/

That poster was actually spot on. You’re essentially teaching your 5 year old son that hitting and lashing out is rewarding and empowering. You dance and heap love on him every time.

Conversely you’re teaching your poor daughter to be accepting and compliant around male violence. I dread to think how this will play out when they’re older if your parenting doesn’t change.

FWIW I wouldbe come down like a ton of bricks if my DS had even laid a finger on his sisters. A major bollocking. Yes at 5. And no cuddle bullshit. I taught my dds not to put up with shit from males too.

He has difficulty regulating behaviour so when he is calm explain ways to regulate his behaviour. The Angry Beast is a book that may help him understand this. Also explain that hitting girls is unacceptable and the bigger and stronger he gets the more he is likely to hurt a girl and if he was a grown up he may go to prison for this. Teach him ways to avoid getting to that point. What is happening beforehand, try to get everyone to understand that playfighting or arguments can escalate so change what happens before it gets to that point. Finally I will say this and it may sound harsh but if you tell him off and then hug him later you are teaching him how to abuse women. He will continue to hit women because he can’t regulate his emotions, then he will expect women, you, his sister or a future girlfriend to hug him better. You will have a 5ft 10” abuser in your home at 19 years old plus.

Just another quick point.

Have your clear strategy for dealing with this but make sure that both you and your OH follow this to the letter. That way your son knows what happens if he steps out of line on this. He has a clear message.

Part of prevention is making sure he isn't rewarded (with attention and cuddles) for bad behaviour.