Should I take my seven-year-old to a work colleague's funeral?

[Runnermumof2]

Do I bring my 7 year old to work mate's funeral ?
One of my work colleagues unexpectedly passed away recently and their funeral is next week. It's the school holidays and I don't have any family nearby to help with childcare. I have a toddler who I have booked in for an extra day at nursery for the funeral. But I'm stumped as to what to do with my 7 year old.
I won't be able to put her in a day club and pick her up in time. The funeral is at 3pm and I need to rush back to the nursery before they close to get my toddler, leaving no time to collect my older child from a club.
Do you think it would be appropriate for me to bring her with me ?
She is a mature 7 year old and has attended a couple of family funerals before, but that's because she was direct family. This is a colleague that she has never known or met.
Would it be inappropriate?
Any other suggestions of what I might be able to do ?

Id take a child to the church service, but only in Ireland. My UK inlaws were horrified that DC went to family funerals, so things are different there.
Would a neighbour or school friend have your DC for a few hours?

Why do people think this is inappropriate?

I wouldn't think twice if someone came to a funeral for a family member with their child to show their respect to my family member - why would anyone in that position be concerned with that?

Is it concern for the impact on the child that makes it inappropriate?

Absolutely not.

If it’s in a church I think it’s fine. I’d slip in at the back and away quickly. Church funerals are open to the parish and if advertised publicly I wouldn't necessarily expect even the close the family to know everyone by sight anyway.

However if it’s a smaller private service at the crem then that’s different.

I don’t think I’d take her to the funeral, just because it’s a bit depressing for her! Where’s her dad here?
Could you ask a neighbour? Who would have her if you were in hospital or whatever?

I’m Scottish and I think people here are more ‘squeamish’ than the Irish in general, ie open caskets wouldn’t be done here or wakes where people mill around, chat, tell stories around the body of the deceased. So I definitely think Irish culture is the most healthy in terms of normalisation of death and exposing everyone to it.

But in Scotland the approach is about paying respects. So anyone you vaguely knew and wanted to show the family you care, you go. It’s a comfort to families when funerals are very full.

I get the impression from this and other threads on MN that in general in England it’s felt to be a very private affair at a funeral? And to add people unknown to the deceased is disrespectful? I feel English people (broad generalisation) are more private in general so maybe a reflection of that? I do prefer the former attitudes but because they are what I am used to, and find it helpful to know these general cultures so I can respect people in a way that suits them rather than what I think is best.

So perhaps op the fact so many disagree is an indication that the family in this case could feel the same.

Unfortunately you can't attend funeral. Your other colleagues will understand. Why not arrange drinks at a later date to pay respects?
A funeral is for a day, you remember people forever

I believe it’s absolutely fine to bring your daughter. I find the belief that somehow the grieving family would be distressed or find it odd very alien. I would rather have someone show up with their child than not at all. 🙏

Absolutely. The OP would like to officially pay her respects to a colleague who died suddenly. She has a perfectly well-behaved seven year old who needs to accompany her. It’s not controversial.

Its not that, it's why take a child from her point of view? I assume the parent works? Where would the child be on a work day? Is that not available on just the day of the funeral for some reason?

I’m very much in the camp of taking children to funeral, but only of people they knew or family. But taking her to a funeral of a colleague just because you don’t have childcare doesn’t seem appropriate. Surely you must know someone who would mind her under the circumstances.

Thank you, yes it's the medical field and she doesn't have a lot of direct family. She made a large influence in the path of my own career so I will do everything I can to make arrangements to attend

I’m English/Scottish, born and brought up in England. God, we’re an uptight lot! Literally no-one is going to be muttering about why op has brought her daughter. It’ll take a second for them to put 2 + 2 together and be pleased that op was able to come in spite of childcare difficulties.

Yes this is the problem . The funeral is at 3pm. The nursery closes at 5:30. It's just over an hour travel time from the location to the nursery. So I would have time to also collect my older child at a day camp in another location. But it's an idea though that I check if there is a different day camp which is near to the nursery so that I might be able to make both closure times

You may have found the core here. I am Scottish, so to me children at funerals is the absolute norm. I didn't hesitate to bring her for extended family members and ever funeral I have ever attended has had children. But from the responses here there seems to be a clear no (which is fine, means I know I need to push for childcare and it's why I posted) but I think your right. There seems to be quite a difference in culture. In Scotland we even go to funerals of people we don't know , but are friends with an immediate family member(like a friends parent or sibling)

Yes this is correct. I will only attend the service and then need to leave straight after

Who has decided what’s appropriate or not at a funeral? It would be inappropriate if a child was being disruptive. If the child was sitting very quietly with its mother that would be fine.

No , just send flowers or a donation if thats what they prefer. Not only is it inappropriate for the family, funerals are also upsetting for children so i would never take them to one for a random person.

I would bring your child if the other option is you can’t go. It’s very normal where I am to have children at funerals.

The majority of attendees will be colleagues. She didn't have a large family and there will be many of us attending. So my attendance or non attendance will be noticed. Not that anyone minds if I can't make it. But I would really like to go after the influence they played in my own early career.

Honestly, it’s not the kind of thing I’d ask on Mn. I’ve had to bring a young child to funerals in England on a number of occasions when the alternative was not attending. Literally the only time I’ve ever asked was when it was the funeral of stillborn babies, and I had a four month old. (DH was overseas for work, and no family or friends in the IK.) The parents said yes, they’d rather have me there.

Please don’t be swayed by MN culture, op. It’s very different to real life! Family members at a funeral are normally very grateful to see a large turnout, and there inevitably will be many people who they don’t know. Everyone will realise exactly why you’ve brought your daughter and be pleased that you made the effort to come.

Then you should absolutely go, and bring your child.

Yes it's the school holidays. I am on leave the day of the funeral, but have arranged an extra nursery day for my toddler. But my older child's club is in a different location and I can't get to both of them in time. If the funeral has been earlier in the day then it wouldn't have been a problem.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I can’t see if anyone has said but - does your eldest have another parent, I’d expect them to take a day off.