Should I take my seven-year-old to a work colleague's funeral?

[Runnermumof2]

Do I bring my 7 year old to work mate's funeral ?
One of my work colleagues unexpectedly passed away recently and their funeral is next week. It's the school holidays and I don't have any family nearby to help with childcare. I have a toddler who I have booked in for an extra day at nursery for the funeral. But I'm stumped as to what to do with my 7 year old.
I won't be able to put her in a day club and pick her up in time. The funeral is at 3pm and I need to rush back to the nursery before they close to get my toddler, leaving no time to collect my older child from a club.
Do you think it would be appropriate for me to bring her with me ?
She is a mature 7 year old and has attended a couple of family funerals before, but that's because she was direct family. This is a colleague that she has never known or met.
Would it be inappropriate?
Any other suggestions of what I might be able to do ?

What do you mean by ‘inclusive’? Do you think it’s inclusive to have a child who has no relationship with the deceased attending their funeral?

So many saying it’s not appropriate, but there’s no rigid funeral etiquette that must be abided by as far as I’m aware, and no one who can justifiably say it would be absolutely, completely inappropriate for a mature, well behaved child to briefly attend a funeral with her mother. The OP says she’ll have to rush off to collect her younger child so presumably she’s not planning to go to the wake. A person discreetly paying her respects and standing near the back with a quiet child for the duration of the service shouldn’t offend anyone (only on MN).

Going against the grain here but I think it’s fine to take her. Not ideal, but certainly better than you missing the funeral altogether.

I went to my XBILs FILs funeral. We are still all very friendly and I think fondly of his wife and her father. But I was babysitting my GD (16months) on the day. We went so we seen people before. Stayed outside the crem while it was on walking, just wandering round, then seen them when they came out. That way I still felt like I paid some respect.

Totally inappropriate. Get someone to look after her or don’t go at all.

I think it's fine. Sit at the back and be prepared to leave if necessary. Very strange replies here,no wonder there's such a stigma around death.

I honestly don't see what's 'completely inappropriate' about it. If your dd is mature and you think she'll cope, just talk to her about it. She'll be fine. If I were one of the family, I'd be touched that you were there, even if you didn't stay for long.

I agree. Standard funerals in England are open to the public (unless family have explicitly requested a private service) so anyone can attend.

I’m all for taking children to funerals and am often suprised when I see threads asking if DC should go to grandparents’ funerals.
However, in this case it would be inappropriate.
No new advice apart from getting her a play date!
When my DC were small (primary school) I would make sure that I had at least a couple of play dates ‘owed’ to me 😃

It’s very much an MN thing I think - but I agree it’s a very strange attitude. Death is a part of life, I don’t know we insist on being so weird and squeamish about it.

No - it’s inappropriate

Sorry, OP, but it’s very inappropriate to take a child that age to a colleague’s funeral. Family, yes, but absolutely not for the funeral of someone outside the family.

To a colleague she never met, no sorry. Inappropriate..play date is the answer here or dont go. Have you a partner? Could they work from home?

I am surprised that so many people are saying it’s inappropriate. I do not agree personally. I don’t see any issue as long as the child behaves. Not much fun for your DD though, so she might appreciate a play date.

I’m in a similar situation but have arranged a play date for DS. He would feel uncomfortable going.

I think the differences are that yours was a family funeral, though not at all close family, the child was very young, and you stayed outside but importantly you and your child were known to other mourners and to the family. The OP is a colleague, with no personal connection to the deceased person. No one in the family will know if the OP and child is a friend, a work colleague, a neighbour, a random person hanging around or a long lost family member.

It would be awkward and inappropriate to go and take a child. OP should go on her own, stand near fellow colleagues and offer condolences to the family in a respectful manner.

I actually think it’s fine.
It’s part of life that we have children, and aged 7 she would be fine to sit quietly with you.

But OP can still stand with her child alongside other work colleagues?

I don’t think it’s about being squeamish about death, it is about showing respect to the family who are in mourning and don’t need the OPs lack of childcare to add to the mix by wondering who the unknown woman with a child is. Funerals are often odd occasions anyway, don’t make this one odder.

No I wouldn't do that.

I’m just not sure what’s disrespectful about a colleague showing up to a funeral and bringing their well-behaved child - I’d much rather a random 7yo was there than have people not attend entirely.

There are always friends and colleagues who come to funerals, who the family don’t neccesarily know well, or at all. It does mean a lot to family to have people come to pay their respects to their family member, and to feel that the person was well regarded and loved by many. If the op takes her daughter, most people will understand that she probably didn’t have another childcare option, but really wanted to be at her colleague’s funeral, and it will mean a lot.

I feel like I must be missing something here. Those of you who are saying the family 'doesn't need to be wondering who the unknown woman with a child is', are you imagining that her presence with her child might set off distressing rumours? And that the OP wouldn't be having a quick word with one of the family to offer her condolences and say how much they valued the deceased as a friend/colleague?

It’s not fair or appropriate to the family to add in a random child.
It’s also not fair to the child to put them where there is so much sadness.

No. Try not to. If you have to take her I would consider not attending