Feel awful about what I just did but not sure what else I could have done

[ubdoneit]

I just smacked my little boy and I feel horrific.

He has started unbuckling his car seat and just clambering around the back seat of the car. Needless to say it’s massively dangerous.

We have to drive. We live on a country lane that’s narrow with no pavements and no street lights in winter - even in summer visibility isn’t great. I have to drive to get him to nursery and to do anything really.

I have shouted at him before and shown him videos, explained why it’s dangerous but he just keeps doing it. Today I pulled over and I smacked his leg, pretty hard. He cried and I told him I’d do it again if he unbuckled the seat again.

I have said to him I’m sorry I had to do it and I feel awful. I just honestly don’t know how else I could have dealt with it. I know sometimes people have said things like we can’t go to XYZ if you do it but sometimes you just have to go to places and it means his siblings would miss out too.

He will survive, not ideal but I had a lil slap on the legs when I was younger and i'm not traumatised or mentally scarred.

Ease up on yourself, parents aren't perfect and shouldn't expect to be - you apologised, showed that everyone makes mistakes.

lesson learnt all round!

How old is he? You can get devices that make it very difficult for them to undo their car seats.
I am sure I don’t need to tell you that smacking isn’t the answer.

He’s four and a half and he’s in a car seat that buckles at the front. There are various devices but if he can unbuckle a car seat he can unbuckle a device. I genuinely would be interested in what you would have done given the suggested strategies just weren’t working. And it isn’t something I can really ignore or wait to grow out of.

There are devices that can only be unlocked using a key, which you would have on your person and not the child. I wouldn’t just make an assumption that if he can press hard enough to Undo his straps, that he would be able to pick a lock That is specifically designed to prevent this.

Yeah, smacking him isn’t ideal, but I can see how in a dangerous situation with your DC doing this numerous times and not listening would’ve Made you snap. Unfortunately 4 Is still an age where kids push boundaries and the more you say no, the more they want to do something. In this situation you don’t really have time to try and teach him otherwise, you just need a device to prevent it.

I honestly don’t think this is bad I’ve felt awful after doing this to my son once but he never did it again. He won’t remember, my once is 5 now and doesn’t remember a thing! Don’t beat yourself up, you sat there and showed him videos etc and even the fact you feel guilty shows you aren’t weird and shows he’ll have the right love in place. I wouldn’t do it again but we all make mistakes. It’s so dangerous and you did what you felt was right- I’d say sorry but explain that it’s so dangerous etc. don’t feel bad- he won’t remember and you won’t care as much in a few months, it’s just awful right after. Soooo many of my friends have done this before! My sister would never but her kids will swear at her in the car etc, and she asked them yesterday to pass the sick bucket to the little one and they said no which resulted in the little one being sick everywhere and she did nothing. I know that’s off topic but I see that as being a bad parent because they know no authority etc

I don’t think smacking is the answer but that sounds massively stressful so can see why you did it. What consequences does he usually get if he does this?

You know it’s not ideal parenting and you shouldn’t have done it but it’s not illegal if you’re in England and I’m sure you were panicked by the danger of the situation. A lot of us 80s/90s kids were smacked in similar situations -a one off after doing something dangerous- and were not traumatised by it in the slightest. Apparently I was smacked once at age 4 after running into the street and I don’t even remember it. Mum was so upset though she vowed to never do it again- I imagine that’s how you’re feeling.

You need to sort the car seat though. If he’s the height/weight for a high backed booster he might be happier in that as he’ll have more ability to move e.g. to reach for his drink than when he’s in a harness. But since he’s yet to prove he can sit nicely I’d only do this if you could trial first with another adult sat in the back. Failing that you can buy chest clips- these are on all American seats as standard but can be bought after market here and they’re harder for little fingers to undo. You can also get Cybex seats that have an impact shield instead of the belt but at 4.5 I don’t know how long he’d have in one and they’re pricey. There are also solutions designed primarily for SEN children that might be worth researching if today’s events haven’t scared him into submission.

Just buy the lockable thing and try not to worry too much. As long as you don't keep smacking. Also get him a toy with loads of buttons and levers etc if he enjoys that.

It was a while ago as my son is 19, but back then when he would unbuckle his car seat, I started flipping the 5 point buckle thing the other way and connecting it in reverse, so that the release button was facing inside against him rather than facing out. He wasn’t able to release it after that.
Its scary though when they can do it mid flight!

You could handcuff him, but what you did is probably the lesser evil.

I had this recently with DS3 on the motorway! I pulled over as soon as it was safe to do so and although I didn’t smack him, I really shouted until he was sobbing because I just didn’t know how else to get through to him how dangerous it was. I felt awful too but sometimes we react with fear and like you say, it’s a behaviour that needs to stop immediately.

Please don't get something that locks with a key. How would someone get him out if you had a crash?

I’m sure emergency services carry scissors to cut through a belt.

OP honestly, forgive yourself.
You have to do whatever you can to make your child safe and sometimes it's the only way you know how to react.

I completely understand how awfully scary it must be. A childhood friend was in a car being driven by her mum. Pre-school brother was in car seat strapped in, but undid it as they were driving along. Mum was unaware. They got t-boned and the little one died. Was incredibly sad.

Probably taught him a lesson.

But yes I would look at getting a device he can’t get out of.

Sometimes if you stick a bit of prickly-side velcro on the buckle, that's enough to stop them doing it. I'd try that before anything lockable, etc., because that would also be a problem for an adult in an emergency when you might need to get them out quickly.

At 4.5 I would also consider some consequences along the lines of 'one parent is taking siblings swimming/to the park/for ice cream/whatever', but you and other parent will have to stay home because you're not safe in the car (for a relatively small treat, not big day out). I'd explain it clearly to him when you're both calm and not in the car – if he can't be safe in the car, he will only go in it when essential, not for any fun trips or extras, so if he unbuckles again, he will miss the next fun outing (or the next session of a hobby, if he does football or whatever). Remind him before each journey, really praise him if he does stay buckled – but follow through if he doesn't.

If you've got a lot of essential trips in between fun ones, it might work better to let him earn part of the treat back after the first unbuckling incident by staying safe the rest of the time – you don't want a situation where he feels he's got nothing left to lose, so may as well unbuckle.

I think most parents have a few of those moments. You were scared and stressed at the thought of what could have happened. Don’t beat yourself up but yes sounds like you need a device.

The problem is making sure you do something different the next time he unbuckles his belt - he will to test you and you can’t just continue to smack him. Also make sure to tell nursery if you’ve marked him.

There’s often one attached to the car seat - ours certainly had one.

I agree that he needs to not go anywhere fun in the car until he can demonstrate that he can be trusted. So he can be taken to nursery and back and to the supermarket and back but no parks, soft plays, swimming pools, visits to friends and family etc. This is too dangerous to risk anything else.

Years ago I drove DS to the police station
when he unbuckled in town . (We were just on the Main Street along from the police station.)Aged about 4
He was frantically putting it back in as we drew up !

My son used to unbuckle himself at the same age, I took him to an empty carpark and did an emergency stop at about 15mph, it was obviously bumpy and unpleasant for him and he got upset but he was unhurt.
He never did it again because it really crystallised that the belts keep you safe.

At four they can't really see consequence unless it actually happens to them - this could be horrible advice but someone I work with suggested it to me and I was at the end of my rope!

It's not a bad thing imo. I've walloped my kids backsides when they have been doing something extremely dangerous and won't listen to me. So far they haven't repeated the behaviour and with that kind of situation, that's what counts. You hurt him a lot less than the windshield at 70mph would have.

I didn’t smack her, but the one time I absolutely lost my shit at DD1 was when she kept unbuckling her belt. She did it on a smart motorway (no hard shoulder) with no services or junction for ages, and just me and her in the car so no way to get her strapped back in for absolutely ages. I went mental. Terrified her back into her seat, but still had to drive without the belt done up.

Don’t tell nursery fgs they’ll get in touch with social services! It was a mistake OP, under very stressful circumstances. I agree on trying different devices to see which works for you. I was smacked as a child and I’m not traumatised by it so I wouldn’t worry about that.