Feel awful about what I just did but not sure what else I could have done

[ubdoneit]

I just smacked my little boy and I feel horrific.

He has started unbuckling his car seat and just clambering around the back seat of the car. Needless to say it’s massively dangerous.

We have to drive. We live on a country lane that’s narrow with no pavements and no street lights in winter - even in summer visibility isn’t great. I have to drive to get him to nursery and to do anything really.

I have shouted at him before and shown him videos, explained why it’s dangerous but he just keeps doing it. Today I pulled over and I smacked his leg, pretty hard. He cried and I told him I’d do it again if he unbuckled the seat again.

I have said to him I’m sorry I had to do it and I feel awful. I just honestly don’t know how else I could have dealt with it. I know sometimes people have said things like we can’t go to XYZ if you do it but sometimes you just have to go to places and it means his siblings would miss out too.

When my son did this despite all the trying to reason with him, I drove to the local police station and said we could go inside and he could explain to a police officer why he kept undoing his seat, really shocked him and he never did it again ( we didn’t need to get out of the car)

My friend’s daughter used to do this at about 3 or 4.

One day when I was picking them up her mum opened the boot of my car and told her to get into the dog crate because we couldn’t risk her unclicking on the motorway. She didn’t lose her nerve at the protestations that she wanted to be in the back with my daughter and not in a cage. After a minute or 2 her mum said “okay, but if you so much as think about unclicking you’re going in there”. She never did it again.

OP stop beating yourself up. He is nearly 5, almost school age and he is acting like a little toddler. He is well aware that you need to keep a seat belt on. You asked him many times and he refused. No, smacking is not ideal but he pushed your buttons hard. Namby pamby conversations don't always work and kids need a sharp shock. A sharper shock would be him going through the windscreen.
I doubt he will do it again. But even so, act like a baby, get treated like a baby and get one of those locks.

It was wrong by today's standards (totally normal by the standards I grew up with) but it was also understandable. I'd have a chat and say you are very sorry you smacked him and you were wrong to do it, but he wasn't listening and you needed him to understand that doing what he did hurts. It would hurt a LOT more if he had an accident than the smack hurt. He must do what you say, because it is your job to keep him safe, and right then, the only way to keep him safe was to remind him that what he was doing could hurt him.

I smacked DS1 once when he ignored me and tried to run into the road. It was an instinctive reaction (which I think is probably a good one, though completely out of fashion these days.) We should never smack in anger or to show who's boss or to create fearful obedience in a child - that would be wicked. But a sharp tap on the leg to avert far more serious danger and pain when all other methods have failed - I don't think that is wrong.

My grandson does this. I have a device that he can’t undo, not a lock. I’ll see if I can find a link for you.

Physical assault is never the answer.

I also wouldn't feel bad, but I've found it helpful with mine (also 4) to teach her when she's allowed to unbuckle her seat - e.g., only when we come to a complete stop. (However, she only once did it when we were moving - I imagine this was very stressful for you!)

I’ve managed 11 years of parenting so far without laying a finger on either of my children.

I was smacked as a toddler/child/teenager and even as an adult.

There is never any excuse.

This!
There is so much hysteria about smacking.
No it's not ideal but frankly a lot of kids would be much more pleasant humans if someone had taken them in hand early on rather than endlessly explaining and bargaining with them.

Cor. All those difficult dementia sufferers in caring homes presumably deserve the same. They need to learn who is in control, right? Sit quietly, don’t act out else I’ll wallop you?

Men, keep your wives in line, won’t you? What do you think the back of your hand is for?

Discipline literally means to learn. If you think the best learning happens through violence you need to have a serious word with yourself.

Op's dc won't learn anything from a mortuary....
It was a smack
.. She didn't batter her with a crow bar..

They really weren't saying that. For goodness sake... They're just saying that parents need to act like parents not like they're in some kind UN negotiation all the time with their kids. Anyway, over strictness always has opposite effect. There can be no discipline without firmness and fairness with kids with boundaries

I don't think a locking device is the answer here as he isn't a toddler. I would be furious too OP so no judgement from me. Your motive was ultimately his safety. I don't think hitting kids is right but I don't hold the odd slap when I was very naughty against my mum at all. My dad was an aggressive abusive bustard and that's very different.

I think it's not the time for gentle parenting. Can totally see why you did it and I would do the same. When mine did it I tied a mans sock in a knot really tightly over the buckle so they couldn't get to it, worked a treat and the novelty soon wore off

Agreed, it wasn’t the time for gentle parenting, he was doing something very dangerous and not listening. At 4.5 years old it’s not acceptable, unless there are special needs. He won’t be scarred just from this (and far less so than if he’d gone flying through the windshield).

By all means apologise for smacking him, but follow it up with the understanding there will be zero tolerance going forward of any more nonsense like that. He does it again - he misses out on the next treat. And so on until he learns and never pulls a stunt like that again.

At his age he is fully able to understand why he stays in his car seat so frankly I completely understand why you smacked him and I’d threaten to do it again if he attempts to get out his car seat again!

the reason smacking is frowned upon and illegal in many places isnt because of people like you, OP! If smacking as a tool was only ever used like that it never would have been controversial at all.

It’s perfectly possible to incorporate firmness and fairness into parenting without resorting to violence. What else is it? You’re using physical force to try and change behaviour. There are countless other options than “negotiating all the time” and smacking. Fine to have non-negotiable. Not fine to enforce them through violence.

Have you rewarded him every time he doesn’t do it? Reward charts work so well on bribable kids, my DD loves to choose a treat.

Depends what his motivation is.

Hitting won’t change behaviour.

You are correct. I was taking issue with your equating a very rare smack to a loved child who has really acted out to institutional abuse and domestic violence.

It was kind of an emergency, so I see why you did it and can see myself doing it out of desperation/fear. I see it as a very primal reaction. As long as you explained yourself and acknowleged your son's feelings about it, if it's a one time situation, it won't harm him on the long term.

I did the same, just enough to give them a jolt and make them realise what could happen

What on earth. This thread is mad. I fully agree OP shouldn’t waste time “beating herself(!) up”, as some have put it, for a mistake made in the frightened heat of the moment, but rather formulate a plan to avoid it happening again. But equally it was definitely a mistake. There’s no justification for physically hurting your child like this.
OP you asked what others would do. I would implement an immediate and delayed consequence. Immediate, we stop the car and get out and go over at length again why its bad to do that in a calm way (very boring and frustrating for a child). Then everytime you get home and he hasnt done this then he gets a star on a chart, no star no tv or other screens for the rest of the day. Or consequences of your choice. But they should be consistently applied.

I can see how you'd react like that, op

Don't fret too much over it, just move on

No way can you lock your kid into the car seat, what about emergencies? The fireman asking, where's the key??! Come on

Can totally see why you did it and in my opinion your son won’t be unbuckling his seat belt again. Don’t be hard on yourself, it was a one off to make a very serious point. As someone has said, it’s almost a primal reaction - that reaction is there for a reason.

It’s not the end of the world but you need to sort the problem still.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=anti+escape+car+seat+buckle&adgrpid=74463118279&gad_source=1&hvadid=578556340493&hvdev=m&hvexpln=0&hvlocphy=9208923&hvnetw=g&hvocijid=7804780715968395735--&hvqmt=e&hvrand=7804780715968395735&hvtargid=kwd-764152363829&hydadcr=17315_2154978&mcid=9c89883d2a6b3ab3ab98b93d851f3d85&tag=hydrukspg-21&ref=pd_sl_5ppsgy94xx_e