Feel awful about what I just did but not sure what else I could have done

[ubdoneit]

I just smacked my little boy and I feel horrific.

He has started unbuckling his car seat and just clambering around the back seat of the car. Needless to say it’s massively dangerous.

We have to drive. We live on a country lane that’s narrow with no pavements and no street lights in winter - even in summer visibility isn’t great. I have to drive to get him to nursery and to do anything really.

I have shouted at him before and shown him videos, explained why it’s dangerous but he just keeps doing it. Today I pulled over and I smacked his leg, pretty hard. He cried and I told him I’d do it again if he unbuckled the seat again.

I have said to him I’m sorry I had to do it and I feel awful. I just honestly don’t know how else I could have dealt with it. I know sometimes people have said things like we can’t go to XYZ if you do it but sometimes you just have to go to places and it means his siblings would miss out too.

Forgive yourself @ubdoneit

Yeah they do. People get trapped and they need to be cut out. It’s not ideal nor am I saying the OP should do this but the point about not getting a kid out is wrong.

Just because he can undo his car seat, does not mean he can undo all extra restraints - that’s the whole point of them.

I am sure weve all been there to varying degrees.
He will be fine, hopefully he won't unbuckle himself again.
A smack is far less of a problem than flying through the window.

Speak to a child from a culture where smacking is still a norm and you’ll feel less guilty! You might not be proud of yourself and not want to do it again, but it’s really not the end of the world.

I was smacked as a kid when I was naughty and I survived. I don’t have any ill feelings towards my parents, nor problems with violence etc.
Yes it wasn’t your finest moment, but it will probably do the trick and he won’t do it again.
Sometimes all the gentle parenting in the world won’t work for something that could be potentially extremely dangerous. Plus, if the driver then gets distracted by the little one unbuckling their belt, this further increases the risk of an accident.

I’d have done exactly the same in your position. He has to learn that the seatbelt is absolutely non negotiable. At 4.5 he is old enough to know better and to understand consequences. If he persists, I’d do what a PP suggested and take him to an empty car park unbuckled, do a low speed emergency stop and let him have a bump!

It’s not ideal but it’s understandable

and it might actually work (failing that you might need to gaffer tape him in)

Honestly let it go

I’m not going to tell you it’s not ideal, it’s not the answer, etc.

What you did is totally fine. Hopefully he won’t do it again now.

On buckle locks and covers: https://www.which.co.uk/reviews/child-car-seats/article/child-car-seat-accessories-afYV16y7R8OC

Many are considered unsafe, and some mean the car seat no longer meets legal requirements.

Apologies for a slight derail, and really hope you find a solution, OP.

I find MN so interesting about this kind of stuff. I wonder if the first few replies just set the tone and then the vast majority just follow along.

There was a thread a week or so ago that the poor poster deleted about how she had shouted very loudly and pushed her daughter after she had made a really loud screaming noise in her ear. The replies were awful, telling her she was abusive, etc. and she deleted it soon after.

Now there’s a poster who has physically hit their child hard by their own admission and threatened to do it again and posters are piling on to say it’s okay and not a big deal.

It baffles me!

Anyway I will be the one to say that hitting your child is never justifiable. Find another way and use this as a warning. BeSafe belt collector and Velcro on the button as some kids don’t like to touch that or if he has additional needs and is unable to understand, you can get adapted seats with crelling harnesses etc. At 4.5 I would expect this to be able to be dealt with some discussions outside of the car at home about it, if they are done properly. If you’ve just been shouting at him up till now it’s clearly not worked so maybe find another approach that actually works.

I’m sure this reply will upset people but smacking is illegal in Scotland and you would be in bit of bother here if your child reported to nursery or similar that you had hit him. That would be a safeguarding concern.

Could you not change to something like this - he seems a bit old for the buckle type, this could use the normal seat belt and I'm sure you can get guards to go over the fastener.

I am going back a long time but I put my son in the front with me when he started doing this, turned the air bag off, but I might be going against the grain suggesting that

Graco Logico L R44 Highback Booster car seat with cupholders, Suitable from approx. 4 to 12 years (15-36kg), Black fashion : Amazon.co.uk: Baby Products

@doodleschnoodle which would you prefer or 🏅

She knows she was wrong, no need to flog a dead horse. Maternal mental health is in the pits as it is and piling on a mother who is admitting she is struggling helps no one.

I suppose it made you feel good about yourself though hey 😇

Oh there are medals for not hitting our children now? Great, I will take one, thank you! Enjoy the thread

A Locked on seat belt? That sounds incredibly dangerous what happens in a crash?

I may be missing something but I don't at all like the sound of a locking device which you hold the key for. Surely that's a horrendous risk in the event of a crash which incapacitates you and prevents anyone else getting him out of the car??

I think a smack is the nuclear option but i would stop feeling bad about it and apologising was probably counter productive and confusing for him. If he doesn't do it again then great. Ideally "a look" would be enough. 4.5 yr old knows he's being bold.

As below, someone who had one said there is a key attached, and in case where emergency services have to get involved, if they can cut through a car door they sure can cut a belt.

One of mine did this, and managed to do en route to a school pick up. I had to brake sharply and he flew across the car and fell against the back of the seat. Luckily he was ok, but he never did it again. Not a solution exactly, I know.

Meh.. Bet he never does it again.. That slap could have actually saved lives.

Move on and stop apologising...

Yes but what if you need to get a child out of a car quickly before emergency services get there eg where there is fire.
It would stress me out.

You’d arguably have one on your person too. Yes it can be fiddly, but I’d rather that than my kid flying through the windscreen and breaking their neck 🤷🏼‍♀️

I am VERY anti-smacking but I have a lot of sympathy for what you did and why.

I don’t think you should feel guilty. You didn’t smack your little boy in anger or to vent your frustration - you did it to keep him safe. Maybe there should have been another answer but - in that situation - I’d have struggled to find one myself.

I can see the logic in suggesting this but when i was looking into it, the experts said they should NEVER be moved out of a 5-point harness into a 3-point seatbelt until they were sensible enough to sit properly and not play/try and escape.

It's far easier to stretch the belt and get your head etc out and under a normal seatbelt than a 5-point harness so you'd be making things way worse.