Feel awful about what I just did but not sure what else I could have done

[ubdoneit]

I just smacked my little boy and I feel horrific.

He has started unbuckling his car seat and just clambering around the back seat of the car. Needless to say it’s massively dangerous.

We have to drive. We live on a country lane that’s narrow with no pavements and no street lights in winter - even in summer visibility isn’t great. I have to drive to get him to nursery and to do anything really.

I have shouted at him before and shown him videos, explained why it’s dangerous but he just keeps doing it. Today I pulled over and I smacked his leg, pretty hard. He cried and I told him I’d do it again if he unbuckled the seat again.

I have said to him I’m sorry I had to do it and I feel awful. I just honestly don’t know how else I could have dealt with it. I know sometimes people have said things like we can’t go to XYZ if you do it but sometimes you just have to go to places and it means his siblings would miss out too.

Yes you can buy these straps but my understanding is they are illegal in the UK and it’s possible your insurance would not cover him if he had it on.

Given it can take a long time for emergency services to come a scene, if people do have these make sure you have access to attached scissors or something to cut the straps safely in the event or a car fire or entering water or having to stop on a so called smart motorway.

Most parents I know have snacked their children at some point - including me! I’m not proud of it but it’s a one off smack - you’re not physically abusing him. This sounds very stressful and you’ve done the right thing by apologising.

get this

amzn.eu/d/bgKQ8aF

No no no! This is just wrong

The child remains in their seat buckled in.

What happens in a crash where the child is loose.

OP you snapped. I don't think there is a parent alive who hasn't at some stage.

Ah well. Hopefully he won’t do it again 😁

My DS learned how to unbuckle his car seat harness at about 14 months. Like you we lived in rural areas and we had to drive. My DS used to pull my ponytail too. I tied his car seat with a chiffon scarf. It worked but I was always worried about getting him out in an emergency.

I know people like harnesses but could you swap to a seatbelt now he is 4.5? He might find it less tempting with the buckle at the side (and difficult to reach in an isofix booster seat).

I can see how you were driven to it in a pressured situation OP.

In a similar situation I once pulled over and threatened to dump my then 3 year old in a field and drive off. My DH said I was being cruel but he was jeopardising his own safety and everyone in the car. A bit like you I was out of options. I’ve also pulled over, more recently and said I will only continue driving when they stop pissing about. These incidents were several years apart before anyone thinks it’s a daily occurrence. I imagine your son to be a bit like my eldest. Defiant!

I don’t condone smacking but if you want to look at it that way - it’s the lesser evil of crashing without a harness!

I know people like harnesses but could you swap to a seatbelt now he is 4.5? He might find it less tempting with the buckle at the side (and difficult to reach in an isofix booster seat)

Again...

https://thecarseatlady.com/when-is-a-child-ready-to-use-a-booster-seat/

Does your over-40-pound child do any of the following in the car?

• lean over to play (or fight) with a sibling
• pick up dropped toys
• hang out the window
• play with the seat belt
• slouch on the vehicle seat
• unbuckle their seat belt or harness before the trip is over

A child who does any of these (and other similar behaviors) is not ready for a booster, even if they meet the booster’s minimum age, height and weight.

How is using a booster seat less safe than an unbuckled infant car seat? The seatbelt buckle on my children’s booster which is a https://www.boots.com/cozy-n-safe-hudson-25kg-harness-group-1-2-3-child-car-seat-onyx-10346009?traffic=paid.shopping&gclsrc=aw.ds&gadsource=1&gadcampaignid=19973634862&gbraid=0AAAAA-AdmwQrxNZS5NE7g5eWClVGUU4TE&gclid=Cj0KCQjwgvnCBhCqARIsADBLZoJvf3zVgkcerQvET5n4gVHkvaCDZkgts9xmwsPkVG-l0YZOVopTw-waAvaFEALwwcB

is so far down when they’re in that it’s less tempting. I was suggesting the lesser of two evils. It’s no use quoting rules and regulations to a parent on mumsnet if their child isn’t operating within them!

I think it's totally understandable but I would now move him into a high backed booster with the 3 points belt and have him know that if he doesn't sit nicely he will be back in his baby seat. I think there is a point at which the harnesses become uncomfortable for them. If he has older siblings he may well step up the behaviour to be more like them.

Also reward sitting nicely and have plenty of entertainment/distraction in the car to try prevent him wanting to escape.

Bet he got back in his seat and didn’t mess around though after

Kids are late teens now but I was trying to think back to what I would have done in this situation and this is it!

Obviously what is done is done, you know its wrong. However you do need to ensure you get a better set up for him so you don't instantly revert to slapping him again. What seat is he currently in? Is he in a HBB or still in a harnessed seat?

DD6 had a stage a year ago where she was undoing her seat belt when I wasn't quite finished with parking up. We had to have a discussion that being in a HBB meant that she was trusted like a big girl and not to be silly. We the talked about when she could do it. I.e still giving her the autonomy but on my terms. Once we are parked up she now asks if she can undo it. DS4 also had a spell (he is still rear facing) and I told him that I wasn't going to move him to a HBB like his big sister until he stopped doing little boy things. Shouting or pulling the car over didn't deter him so I played on the fact that he keeps telling me that he wants to be in a HBB. He now doesn't unbuckle until I'm around the side of the car to let him out.

A few people have mentioned devices to put on the harness. These aren't safe and often not approved. I carry a seat belt cutter in my car but the last thing I'd want to do if I was first on scene to a car accident is to try and get around these devices whilst trying to get your child out for you.

"Obviously what is done is done, you know its wrong." Not ideal obviously, but not desperately wrong. It is precisely because the OP does not smack her child that this short sharp shock will have more effect. She is saving his life.

It's not safe because, as explained upthread, its extremely easy to slip your arms and head through a normal seatbelt by stretching it.
If they enjoy trying to get out of a seatbelt or harness then they will find it a lot easier with a seatbelt they can pull on.

I used to drive until the nearest safe stopping place and then I would just pull in and stay there until they put their seat belts on and/or stopped screaming or moving around or doing whatever it was distracting that was me from driving. Just sit there silently, with no communication until they behaved. (They obviously knew the rules in advance!)

Set up expectations before you get in the car. Another reminder before you drive off.

You can’t change what happened op. It was a stressful situation, Kids can push you to exasperation sometimes. You realise your reaction wasn’t ideal. Learn from it and move on. And hopefully your boy will have learned from it too. They can’t appreciate dangers at that age. Long explanations aren’t effective.

But if you stop the car. Make sure the doors are locked. You explain once very clearly and firmly that no one is going anywhere until they behave. And you sit there as long as it takes, ignoring them, and you repeatedly follow through, then this is usually very effective. Good luck.

It might just be another motorist trying to get him out of a burning car, you can't assume it would be someone with cutters or the time to use them in a real emergency.

I hear you, but (sorry to put it bluntly) it’s either faffing around with a car seat, or a kid flying through a windscreen in which case there would be no child to rescue.

My DD figured out how to undo her seatbelt when she was quite young, and she was so proud of herself for being able to do it, frightened me to death when I looked in the mirror and saw what she had done. I'm afraid I did really shout at her, and she went from extremely happy to very sad looking. I did explain later that it was very clever to be able to do it, but it was dangerous and not to do it again. Not sure which bit worked but she didn't do it again, probably more difficult to impress a four year old by shouting.

There must be a safer way than using a belt that an adult couldn't undo without special equipment, scissors really wouldn't work and who would have a key?

Dont attach an extra harness, as carseats are designed to be able to get out quickly after an accident. I think you have actually done the right thing here. Next time you go in the car, give him a fiddle toy so that his hands are occupied. Hopefully he will learn a lesson and not do it again. Yes you shouldnt smack, but he has crossed a redline on safety.

A spare is attached somewhere to the side