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Original poster

Did you bond with you baby straight away ??

83 replies

nutcracker · 02/09/2005 20:18

Me and my mum were discussing this today and I was quite shocked when she said that it was obvious to her that I bonded with Ds instantly but that she hadn't noticed the same thing with the Dd1 and Dd2.

She is right but I can't really explain why.

I think that with Dd1 i felt more shock than anything else, and with Dd2 I had an early delivery, she was in SCBU for 2 weeks and then I had PND.

Think i just feel a bit guilty that someone else noticed and wonder how many other people looked at me with each odf my kids and thought the same.

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Roobedoo · 02/09/2005 20:31

I had a traumatic delivery then DS was in SCBU for 5 days and whilst I felt very hormonal I didn't feel particularly bonded or the amazing feelings of love for him that I now have until he was a few weeks old. I think it was down to the shock and DH and I agree that next time we would probably feel more bonded immediately as we could anticipate what the screaming bundle would become IYSWIM.

edam · 02/09/2005 20:56

Bet your mum's the only person who would or could have noticed - they know us too well!

I did 'bond' with ds immediately - he was delivered onto my tummy and the moment I saw him I felt this instant recognition. Kind of 'oh, it's you!'.

But I was lucky enough to have a fairly straightforward delivery - it might well have been very different if I'd been in shock or things were a lot more complicated.

Pruni · 02/09/2005 20:59

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Original poster

nutcracker · 02/09/2005 21:00

Yeah hopefully your right and only my mom noticed.

I think that the other thing was that with Ds being my 3rd I was more or less completely relaxed and knew what I was doing whereas with my frist 2 i wasn't relaxed at all.

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Orinoco · 02/09/2005 21:03

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sweetkitty · 02/09/2005 21:04

Would not say straight away a few hours later DP went home it was just DD and I and I sat staring at her for hours thinking you can't be mine.

When she was born I was so tired and relieved it was over and with all the faffing around with stitches etc I didn't get a quiet minute with her.

meggymoo · 02/09/2005 21:07

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NotQuiteCockney · 02/09/2005 21:11

DS1 was sent to SCBU for 30 or so hours - I didn't get a chance to bond at the very beginning! And then we had feeding problems, so it took ages for me to really get used to him.

DS2 was nursing beautifully in recovery, and has been so much easier than I feared, we bonded really well from the first few days, possibly even the first few hours. I certainly feel much more connected to him than I did to DS1.

Tortington · 02/09/2005 21:26

nope no bonding here until much later

madmarchhare · 02/09/2005 21:31

E C Section, transfusion, a stint in SCBU and told I couldnt BF due to medication (is there a pattern here?) and no I didnt bond immediatley.

When I look back I can say it took a good few week if Im honest.

ghosty · 02/09/2005 21:34

Nope ...
I didn't bond with DS at all for ages.
It was a traumatic birth that ended in a cs and when they lifted him over the screen I thought, "Oh, it's a baby" ... for a long time I felt that he could have been any baby ... that someone had given me to look after. It was an enormous let down and contributed to my PND in a major way. Guilt was a big factor. I had bonded with him by the time he was 6 months or so but I carried the guilt for a long time. The guilt reared its ugly head big time when DD was born because I bonded with her instantly ... I definitely felt this feeling that I knew her inside and out the minute I saw her (again it was a cs but not traumatic and no screen so I saw her come out of me ... no gory bits though, I promise ).

I believe the no bonding thing with DS has left a lasting impression on my feelings for him ... I am fiercely protective over him and the love I feel for him makes me want to cry. I worry about his future and whether the lack of bonding will affect him as a person (bit deep I know). He is constantly on my mind ... with DD I love her as much but am much more chilled about my feelings for her ... I know she will be fine ...

Weird isn't it?

Littlefish · 02/09/2005 21:34

Took me about 2 months I think. I found the first few weeks really traumatic. I think I had such high expectations, having waited so long to conceive that I was just totally overwhelmed by everything.

PeachyClair · 02/09/2005 21:44

DS2 and 3 yes, immediately, no question. Ds1 was different though- a very problematic PG and I was exhausted. And I couldn't work out why he wasn't responding to me in the way I expected: turned out he had AS. I think I learned to love him rather than fell in love with, but I love them all the same now.

harpsichordcarrier · 02/09/2005 22:09

nope, and IMHO there is too much pressure on women to feel "something"... I remember having a conversation with dh in the early days and asking him - do we love her yet? and him replying, not yet, we are just getting to know her. Those first few days are such a blur.

frannyf · 02/09/2005 22:12

Edam - my exact feeling on seeing my ds - "Oh, it's you!" Unbelieveable. Making me grin like a loon just thinking about it, what a moment...

I think I must have been fortunate as it was a crappy birth other than that. I was so blissed out on gas and air that I was 'feeling the love' very strongly though - that probably helped!

pesha · 02/09/2005 22:38

Bonded with dd straight away, no problems but with ds had been very difficult time for me all through pregnancy and after, i had pre and post natal depression, he didnt sleep well just wanted to feed all the time and i was exhausted, stressed and depressed so dont think i really bonded with him till he was about 6 months.

And now i kind of feel like ghosty, much more overwhelmed by my love for him than with dd although i love her just as much.

That could just be her being a stroppy 4 yr old though and him being such a cute cuddly 2 yr old

madmarchhare · 02/09/2005 22:50

HC, what a lovely thing for your DH to say .

edam · 02/09/2005 22:58

Funny you should say that FrannyF, I think I used up enough gas and air for ten women, frankly. Wouldn't say I was blissed out though, it still ruddy hurt!

Petall · 02/09/2005 23:13

Quite interesting reading these threads as I was only thinking about this today. I'm still not sure whether I've bonded with DD, who is now 3. At 35, I still don't think I was ready for motherhood and have always felt some resentment to DD for her changing my life so much.This sounds really terrible I know. I had a quick labour, but she was handed to DH and then I needed stitching so didn't get to hold her for a few hours. Feeding was a disaster from day 1 and the first 5 months a big blur.
Obviously I had PND but fell pregnant with DS whilst on the medication. He was a really quick water birth, and I had to hold him as the cord was so short and had to wait ages for it to be cut(due to being in water)I instantly bonded with him and absolutely adore him. Because I felt and still feel differently for him, I feel very guilty that I still don't feel for DD how I do for DS.I think I'd already been a mum and don't blame him for the life changing bit. I had PND after his birth anyhow.
I am very aware that I have such different feelings towards them and often feel I am putting on an act for DD, whereas with DS it's just natural. They have very different personalities, and I'm hoping time will make it all OK

troutpout · 02/09/2005 23:30

My feelings for my 2 are almost exactly the same as ghosty's.
Ds was a traumatic birth...and he was a difficult newborn..and i had pnd.Ghosty described it perfectly - i felt like i had been given a baby to look after. Like it had just landed. It was a very slow bonding that crept up on me...about a year i would say. I feel more fiercely protective towards him ....guilt perhaps . I suppose in a way it's the person i was then that i'm trying to protect as well.
By contrast i bonded instantly with dd. I totally had that 'oh hello ...it's you' feeling.The birth was comparitively easy ...and i remember being so thankful towards her for somehow making it so.
Also i just remember looking into her eyes and it was like looking into my own...and i knew she would be alright.

chipmonkey · 02/09/2005 23:40

I think sometimes you have a picture of your baby in your head but then you get the actual baby and reality hits home. I had formed a picture of ds1 in my head (actually I had thought he would be a she!} and when he was born he looked completely different. Also I had a CS and he was taken away from me while I was in recovery so there was a time-delay before I saw him and somehow I couldn't make the connection that the baby that had been inside me was the same baby in my arms, I felt that I had someone else's baby. I really think bf helped though. After a day or two, I noticed that I was not holding him as much as some of the other mums were holding their babies. I made a point of holding him all the time and suddenly it all came together. With ds2 it was much better. He looked so like ds1 that there was no mistaking that he was his little brother and I was back on familiar territory.
Ds3 was 8 weeks prem and it was so hard to see him in the incubator and not hold him. When I put my hand in and touched his back he flinched as though I had burnt him. In my baby-bluesy state I thought he hated me! But after a couple of days I felt a bond. Definitely helped to get him out of the incubator and into a cot though.

TwinSetAndPearls · 02/09/2005 23:58

I didn't bond with dd until she was about two, but I did have very bad pnd. I can remember staring at her after the delivery thinking I must feel something but there was nothing and it was like that for a long time. It was hard because she was a beautiful baby and as she grew she was so full of charactar everyone kept saying you are so lucky, you must lover her so much and I felt nothing.

But now the bond is incredibly strong, I can remember the first time looking at her and realising how much I loved her and had never felt love like that in my life, I can remember her dad having her for a forthnight after her second birthday and once I had got over the novelty of having freedom again I hated it, the heart break physically hurt. Much the same as ghosty really

myturn · 03/09/2005 00:00

dd1 - did not bond for a long time
dd2 - bonded immediately
dd3 - had problems bonding again
dd4 - bonded straight away

I do feel more naturally connected with dd2 and dd4, although I love them all as much as each other.

frannyf · 03/09/2005 08:31

Edam, it all went quite pear-shaped for me and I ended up having an epidural and still sucking away on the good ol' gas and air! They kept saying "Whenever you feel ready to stop with the gas and air...." and then tailing off as I gave them a fierce look. (Well c'mon, I had given up alcohol, smoking, drugs and even caffiene to have this baby, I was due to have some fun!) I was so gone, I remember wanting to tell all the doctors and midwives that I loved them but somehow realising that I would get the mickey taken at a later date if I did...

Perhaps we should go public with this? I can see the next copy of Midwifery Today or whatever - "Gas and Air - the Secret of Baby Bonding".

shalaa · 03/09/2005 21:23

had a long and traumatic birth, but as soon as I laid eyes on ds I thought he was the most beautiful baby i'd ever seen. Fell completely in love with him from the word go

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