Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Did you bond with you baby straight away ??

83 replies

nutcracker · 02/09/2005 20:18

Me and my mum were discussing this today and I was quite shocked when she said that it was obvious to her that I bonded with Ds instantly but that she hadn't noticed the same thing with the Dd1 and Dd2.

She is right but I can't really explain why.

I think that with Dd1 i felt more shock than anything else, and with Dd2 I had an early delivery, she was in SCBU for 2 weeks and then I had PND.

Think i just feel a bit guilty that someone else noticed and wonder how many other people looked at me with each odf my kids and thought the same.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

expatinscotland · 03/09/2005 21:30

No. I had severe PND.

I don't feel guilty anymore, though. I was very ill.

She was about 18 months old before I started to really bond with her, and I'm SO enjoying the stage she's at now - she's 2.2 and just a bundle of sunshine.

I always loved her, my b/c I was so ill it was hard for me to 'bond' with her.

Kidstrack2 · 03/09/2005 21:33

Have to say after having an eme c/s with my ds and then having a vg delivery with dd I did bond much quicker with dd. After having a baby handed to you after a 24hr labour and not meeting him straight away does take a bit of getting used to epspecially when the midwife said oh 9lb 2oz I said no I don't think that ones mine I was having a 7lb one! ha ha

acnebride · 03/09/2005 21:44

Don't think so. Very slow process. had v straightforward and quick birth with, apparently, gas and air (didn't notice any effect). There was a truly enormous baby staring up at me (not really, he was only 7lb11 but he looked vast to me). midwife apparently expected me to pick him up - I asked dh to take him and just wasn't that interested for quite a while, though had a go with feeding et al. First things I felt were deep inadequacy, and fear for him. Not sure when bond developed. 3 months? I remember 3 months to 5 months being a v good phase. Certainly love him far more now than I did then. IMO it's normal but maybe not.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

tribpot · 03/09/2005 21:54

Definitely not instantly. I had a fairly normal delivery for a first-timer (i.e. horrific but nothing unusual to report) and was off my head with drugs when he was first born. The early days were pretty difficult for us as we failed to get breastfeeding established, and my dh struggled with his chronic illness - he was in much worse shape than me after the delivery, and I really needed someone to look after me.

I went through a phase of falling in love with ds every morning, as if the feelings would drift off in the night. Now I love him all the time, although I think he still feels more connected to his daddy, as he does most of the feeding and stuff whilst I do everything else. Not what I hoped for but that's how it is.

TwinSetAndPearls · 03/09/2005 22:48

frannyf I was so high on gas and air that I spent the first half of my labour declaring my undying love to my dh ( believe me I had to be high to do that) and then started chatting up the anaethatist (sp?), my ex put an end to it though by pointed I had just pissed myself and wasn't looking much of a babe so my chances with him weren't great!

colditz · 03/09/2005 22:50

LOL TSAP!

janeybops · 03/09/2005 23:08

dd- no - was in shock!

ds - yes instantly, felt like i'd known him forever

frannyf · 04/09/2005 08:25

Twinset - LOL! Some poor medical person came in after ds was born, to check something, and I was sitting up in bed, grinning wildly, saying "Hello! I've just had a baby!"

Everyone was very kind throughout. I don't know how they keep straight faces...

blueteddy · 04/09/2005 09:10

With ds1, I bonded immediatly.
Ds2 was a very unexpected pregnancy, which H had lots of problems coming to terms with & as a result, I suffered from depression during the pregnancy & went into a state of complete denial, as it was the only way I could get through it.
I worked up until a week before the birth, so didn't have much time to think about the baby or prepare for him.
When I went into labour, H stayed in the waiting room & didn't even really pop in to see what was happening, even in the early stages.
When ds2 popped out, I looked at him & said something along the lines of "Where did you come from"
I had not really given much thought to the fact I was having a baby & here he was looking at me.
I realised that it was now my job to care for him & that I would have to love him like ds1 & it scared me.
H was miserable on the day I came home from hospital with him & I was so upset (wish I had MN then!)
I ended up suffering with PND & didn't feel proper love for him for around 6 months!
I cared for him & he was always clean & dressed well, but the poor little man spent a lot of his early days in his baby chair, rather than in his mummy's arms.
I love him so much now & it hurts me to look at photos or video of his first few months, as I feel so guilty for the way I was.
Ds2 is a well adjusted little boy who is loved to bits, but sometimes I want him back as that little baby, so that I can give him the start he should have had in life.

happymerryberries · 04/09/2005 09:14

Instantly with both of them.

With dd i had had a bit of a rough time, which ended up with an emergency section. I was awake and when they lifted her up over the green screen I saw her for the first time and it was 'Zing'! Love at first sight. I had never believed in it before.

singersgirl · 04/09/2005 11:18

No, with DS1. Yes, with DS2. Had very long labour with DS1 and was frankly exhausted; when I first saw him I was dismayed that I didn't recognise him - he was no-one I knew. Then I was readmitted with a severe infection at 4 days and he developed a life-threatening infection at 11 days - so we were in hospital pretty much until he was 3 weeks old. Back at home, feeding was dominated by administering oral antibiotics, and nappy changing by a complicated washing routine because of surgery on his abscess. Looking back, I was depressed, but didn't realise it until much later. I used to feel terribly guilty that I didn't deserve him because he loved me unconditionally and I didn't love him in the right way. But at some point in the first year, definitely long before I became pregnant with DS2, he was firmly established as the child of my heart, and I felt that having another child was a dreadful betrayal.
I realised second time around that I wouldn't recognise DS2 so I was ready to say hello to a stranger. Everything was so much less traumatic about the birth and the aftermath. I understood that I wasn't perfect, but I knew I was the best mother DS2 could have. He fed, he slept, he was the easiest of babies and toddlers...
My relationship with DS1 has remained challenging, whereas DS2 has always been
easy. I do wonder how much their different birth circumstances had to do with everything.

edam · 04/09/2005 11:49

I was so out of it on gas and air I was on another planet. My sister's only just told me apparently I made all my birth partners and the midwife sing to me! Out of the blue just demanded 'SING'. She tells me they couldn't think what to say, and ended up singing 'There was an old woman who swallowed a spider'... all the verses!

I do remember thinking they must all be laughing at me because I was so quiet despite being in agony. Only the truth is I was screaming f*ck at the top of my voice - EVERYONE on the labour ward heard me. PMSL!

suedonim · 04/09/2005 13:25

No1 It took about 6wks, after a traumatic labour.

No2 Instant, overwhelming bonding.

No3 About 24hrs. When someone told me I wouldn't be allowed to breastfeed, all my Mother Tiger instincts came roaring out.

No4 Immediate but not overwhelming bonding.

I must admit that after the amazing feeling I had with ds2 I was disappointed when I didn't get the same with the dd's. I was sat there, waiting for it to rush over me but it didn't happen. Weird.

noughtsandcrosses · 04/09/2005 13:52

Petall, I felt really sad when i read your post. I hope time can heal those feelings, I'm sure by recognising there is a problem you will be able to resolve it.

I had trouble connecting to my dd, not in the beginning but as she got older it took a while for me to work her out & tap into what made her tick, she is 2 now & i adore her.

lilibet · 04/09/2005 14:21

'Bonding' is one of my pet hate words. I'm with harpsichordcarrier on this one(who are you, btw?). There is far too much pressure put on pregnant women without us finding whole new areas to worry over.

there are so many things that you should do so that you will 'bond' and so many things that should be avoided as it can affect the 'bonding'

Sorry but I think that you love your children differently but equally as someone else said and whether they were delivered onto your tummy or it was an emergency c section and they were immediatley whisked off so you only got to meet them later matters not a jot in the love that you will eventually develop for them.

Rant over!!

PiccadillyCircus · 04/09/2005 14:32

It's only been recently with DS (now 21 months) that I realised that it took me a long time to properly bond with him. I think it wasn't until he was at least 18 months that I really felt I have done.

I think this is due to the depression which has been recognised in my current pregnancy (although now I realise it has been there for a long time, probably years) and has been being treated for nearly 6 months now. I am 38 weeks pregnant with DS2/DD and do wonder about this whole bonding thing with them.

weesaidie · 04/09/2005 14:58

Yes I would say so, although the first few hours were a bit of a blur and the whole experience was very overwhelming.

I think it helped that I had a fairly easy labour at home.

Also as I broke up with my dp when I pregnant (I basically had to chose between him and the baby) I always looked at my bump with a kind of 'it's you and me against the world' feeling...

workingmumnhs · 04/09/2005 15:07

When my daughter was given to me after she was born it didn't seem real. I felt that I should love her with all my heart and be prepared to lay down my life for her but it didn't seem as tho she was mine.
People who visited me kept referring to me as her mummy. More than once I would look around the ward for the baby's mummy. Even back home i felt useless. I had no idea what this baby wanted and what ever I did seemed to be wrong.
Over a period of weeks and a lot of trial and error I realised that whatever I did for her was right and I was the best mother in the world for my daugther. I knew exactly what she needed and wanted and she wanted me. Then I bonded with her and now I would lay down my life for her, and I definitely love her with all my heart.
Hang on in there
It gets easier
Honesty

Luckie · 04/09/2005 15:57

It took me at least 2 months to bond with ds. He was conceived by IVF so I expected the love to come automatically. I needed a blood transfusion following the delivery (a delivery which was pretty straightforward luckily) so I think it was pure exhaustion. The love did come though and boy when it did it was (and is) immense!!

RosiePosie · 04/09/2005 16:10

Both times took about 4-6 weeks, and the births were very different. First was a long hospital birth, lots of intervention and a week long stay afterwards for jaundice treatment. Second was much easier and at home. Will be interesting to see how it fares with number three.

KiwiKate · 04/09/2005 16:50

Neither DH nor I bonded instantly with DS. Took a good few months TBH. Birth was not traumatic or anything - we just looked at this stranger and thought "oh, now what?". Bonding only really happened when we got to know him a bit, I guess.

This was totally unexpected for us both, but we didn't feel guilty about it. You don't choose to bond/not bond instantly - it is just one of those things.

Got baby no 2 due in a week, and am wondering how it will be second time round.

Bet no one else has noticed your bonding issues, though. (mum's - too perceptive at times!)

harpsichordcarrier · 04/09/2005 23:41

Hi lilibet, I am new, thanks for asking.

rubles · 05/09/2005 09:05

This is such a fascinating thread.

I think it is an essential part of ante-natal education to let new mothers-to-be know that it is quite normal and acceptable to not feel anything for their baby and that they should NOT feel guilty or worried about it.

I had a wonderful home water birth - so no trauma - but definitely didn't love dd for a couple of months. I never would have let harm come to her, but always felt I was just going through the motions. It felt like I had just adopted someone else's baby.

Petall · 05/09/2005 14:17

Rubles that is exactly how I feel about DD, and she's now 3. I still feel as if I'm looking after someone elses child. I remember when she was a newborn, waking up and thinking "oh, you're still here......."
Thank-you for your message noughtsandcrosses, I certainly feel more for DD now than I did and I guess its good I'm aware there is a problem.
Weird there was no problem bonding with DS, but lifes not meant to be like the books is it!

Lio · 05/09/2005 14:20

Jealous of the instant bonders. Didn't feel much for ds, to the extent that I want another child but am slightly dreading having another baby.

I like your name, harpsichordcarrier.

Flip

1 2 3 4