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Original poster

Did you bond with you baby straight away ??

83 replies

nutcracker · 02/09/2005 20:18

Me and my mum were discussing this today and I was quite shocked when she said that it was obvious to her that I bonded with Ds instantly but that she hadn't noticed the same thing with the Dd1 and Dd2.

She is right but I can't really explain why.

I think that with Dd1 i felt more shock than anything else, and with Dd2 I had an early delivery, she was in SCBU for 2 weeks and then I had PND.

Think i just feel a bit guilty that someone else noticed and wonder how many other people looked at me with each odf my kids and thought the same.

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adrift · 05/09/2005 14:56

When DD was about two months old I told my mum that I didn't think I really loved her yet, and that was OK, wasn't it?
With DS, born 3 years later, I remember stroking his head at about 10 days while he was feeding and feeling this amazing surge of tenderness.
(I had PND both times, undiagnosed with DD. But by the time it hit me after DS's birth, I'd already made the connection with him.)

shalaa · 05/09/2005 15:16

Have to add it took DP a good few months to bond with DS. He was quite upset about it and got very frustrated with DS. Now DS is 6mths it's much easier for DP

muminlondon · 05/09/2005 15:30

I had a weird feeling that dd somehow was on loan from the hospital for the first few days! I think I bonded gradually, which I trusted was more natural anyway.

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rummum · 05/09/2005 15:59

I bonded with daughter straight away but with son born nearly 2 years later it took several weeks... I remember looking at him one day and feeling the overwhelming love that I had felt immediately for daughter, and I was kind off... "omg... your so lovely".. I hadn't realised that I hadn't bonded with him until I had... I'd been just going through the motions with him... feeding, washing, changing.. etc

auntymandy · 04/09/2006 08:16

It took a while with DD but I think I was too busy making sure DS1 was ok and not left out. When she was about 4 days old I held her and chatted to her and fell in love. The boys were all instant.

ledodgyrobespierre · 04/09/2006 08:37

With both of mine I felt a strong instinct to take care and nurture them straight away but it took me a while to fall in love with them. With both I had an omg I really do love you moment when they were a couple of months old.

Megglevache · 04/09/2006 08:47

Message withdrawn

cupcakes · 04/09/2006 08:48

ds - took months after a traumatic birth. I had that overwhelming desire to protect him and keep him near me but I didn't get that wow, I LOVE you! feeling for a couple of months.
dd - had a great birth and fell in love with her immediately. Maybe it was also because she was my second child so it wasn't so overwhelming.

Flamesparrow · 04/09/2006 09:08

No, and I have only really realised since having DS.

DD - I loved, but there wasn't that instant falling in love with iyswim. She was a hard baby, but unless I had some weird premonition, I don't think that can be why, I don't know why.

DS - it was the instant hit you in the heart job, which is strange because I had been so scared of having a boy, and if I am honest with myself, I was upset that he WAS a boy - maybe my body knew that and did some sort of self preservation thing to stop rejection??? (Oh, and he is a star baby, so maybe I do just know in advance ).

Both births were great experiences.

Psychomum noticed it with me

Rookiemum · 04/09/2006 09:21

Not really - same sort of thing as everyone else, ended up with an emergency C-section, BF didn't work out because of tongue tie and just felt so exhausted that I wanted to sleep forever, when of course I wasn't allowed to sleep at all.

I remember for the first few weeks I kept thinking I had made a dreadful mistake and wondered if we could put him up for adoption.

However once he started smiling at cooing & sleeping then I started to love him to bits.

Xavielli · 04/09/2006 11:01

DS - not instantly, all I remember is a huge sense of relief and accomplishment and a little boy who looked like my grandparents. I didn't want to let him go. I was so scared he wouldn't know who I was.

DD- Instantly love her and knew her. So different to DS, I just let DP do everything. It was like "Yeah, she's mine, but I know her, you have a go for a while!" lol

Bouj · 04/09/2006 11:19

No, not with either of them. Ds1 was a traumatic, drawn out delivery. Followed by (what I now know as) dreadful reflux and my PND, it was a long hard slog for me and him. Ds2, I didn't feel any immediate bond, more a 'thank f*ck that is over', but within days I was absolutely giddy with love for him. So different than ds1, but so much of the contributing circumstances were different. And like Ghosty, I am different towards ds1, I feel we fought a hellish battle together, and it makes me more protective of him somehow.

3andnomore · 04/09/2006 11:32

With ds1 and 2 I bonded immediately, but with them I had a straightforward Birth, and with both I had time in pregnancy to bond already, as there was 6 1/2 years between the two!
There is only 21 month between ds2 and 3...so, in pg I had not as much time with my bump...and then a traumatic Emergency C-section followed that pg and it took me ages and ages to bond...tbh, if I wouldn't have breastfed him I probably would not have been inclined to hold him as much as I did...(and no I am not suggesting that anyone who FF doesn't hold their Baby's as much, just that in my case it would have been a case to hand him over to anyone willing to feed him iykwim)...with ds3 my bond is still not the same as with my other 2....and he is 2 years old nowe...but we are getting there...it was just very surreal at first...he was lying in one of those plastic crib things next to me, and I looked at him, and he was a spitting image of his brothers, but I still didn't feel he was actually mine! He has also been the most unsettled Baby of mine and did cry a lot, and I am sure that a lot of it was due to me projecting my feeligns onto him...poor lil guy! He is gorgeous and I love him so much....but it does upset me to think how I felt for him!
I agree by the way with whoever said there is to much pressure on new mums to feel a certain way...everyone is different and everyones circumstances are different and that will jsut play a big role in it all!

cocopop · 05/09/2006 14:31

After I had ds I expected to be overcome with emotion and for there to be this loving bond between us but it didn't happen. My dh was really emotional but all I could think was "thank God thats over!". Once we got settled in at home I started to feel differently but for the first week or 2 I didn't feel much connection to him.

I felt guilty about that for a while but he's 17 months old now and we have a very special and loving bond.

bluejelly · 05/09/2006 14:43

Took me about six weeks, before that looking after her just seemed like a job!
Since then it has grown and grown though and I genuinely feel i love her more and more every day

Gobbledigook · 05/09/2006 14:45

Hmmm, with ds1 I struggled because I had a nightmare in the first month trying to breastfeed and I got very down and depressed.

With ds2, took me a few days because his birth was very fast and a bit of a shock and it took me a day or two to get my head round him being there!

With ds3 I bonded immediately. I'd done it twice before, didn't go through the whole breastfeeding nightmare and I had a 'textbook' birth after which I was totally ecstatic.

PinkTulips · 05/09/2006 23:37

yes with both

with dd i had quite a scary delivery (her heartrate dropped to nothing, cord round her shoulder,had to push at 9cm to get her out asap), she dropped out of me completely blue and limp and i honestly thought she was dead... i grabbed her up and held her to me and almost attacked the mw who tried to take her to resussitate her. the whole time she was in the incubator being warmed up i was leaning out of the bed with my hand through the whole as i needed to be touching her.

with ds i had fantastic delivery and he was delivered onto my tummy and i felt that same instant connection to him as to dd

PinkTulips · 05/09/2006 23:38

hole, not whole

PetitFilou1 · 06/09/2006 14:30

Bonded very late with ds (had an infection of the womb after birth and was in terrible pain which didn't help) and had PND. Bonded immediately with dd. Always feel guilty about it but love them both although differently.

basboseh · 06/09/2006 17:02

bonded with dd at 3 months,she had colic and was very noisy,never stopped crying.
i was very tired all the time.
i felt she ruined my life.
especially my relation to my dh.still sometimes feel so.she is still very noisy and i`m always exhausted

beckybrastraps · 06/09/2006 17:09

Instantly with dd, few days in with ds. I remember the very moment, just like I remember the moment I realised I loved dh. No guilt at all. Why would I? Ds had no idea that I didn't feel "bonded". He got all he needed! In fact, that moment is probably more precious to me. With dd, dh and midwife were there, but with ds it was just him and me, middle of the night, in the hospital. He was yelling, and instead of ringing the bell, I looked at him and thought "You're MY baby". Wept buckets, then changed my first nappy. I can remember the wonderful realisation so clearly, whereas with dd, there is no "flashbulb memory".

motherinferior · 06/09/2006 17:13

No, neither time. DD1 was plonked on my stomach after a nightmare birth and I just felt "go away, everyone, just let me sleep" (the view that "it all vanishes the minute you have the baby in your arms" is, IMO, utter pants).

DD2 I was amazed (albeit so blissed out on gas'n'air I thought she had testicles) but didn't instantly fall in love with her either.

wannaBe1974 · 06/09/2006 17:29

yes instantly. in fact I felt as if I bonded with him before he was born iykwim.

Because I can't see, I obviously didn't have that moment when I saw him for the first time, so for me it was real as soon as I felt deliberate movements inside me, I just couldn't wait to hold him and cuddle him, even though I was scared shitless because I didn't know what the hell I was doing (like most of us probably). No-one other than my dh was allowed to see my scan pictures, because I didn't want anyone else to see my baby before i did, something which was branded stupid by my mother. I had a wonderful pregnancy but a horrific labour as ds was back to back and I was pushing for 4 hours despite the fact I'd gone into labour at 12:30 and by the time I got to the hospital at 3 I was already 9 cm dilated. Birth was a ventouse in the end and as soon as he came out all I could ask was "is he ok".

theshrimp · 06/09/2006 18:34

I didn't bond at all whilst pregnant. I even fantasised about having him adopted.
I just worried when I looked at the scans and feeling him move inside me felt horrid.
Luckily, i felt unbelievable love the minute i saw him. He was a beautiful stranger.
Feel guilty that he might know instictively that I didn't love him before he was born.
"They fuck you up your mum and dad"and all that. . .

Pinklaura80 · 06/09/2006 19:29

I bonded very well when I was pregnant, I was the most eager mum to be ever but when my ds was born by cs I didn't bond with him at all, i went through all the motions of caring for him and giving him lots of cuddles but I wouldn't be bothered if he wasn't there, I knew it was normal not to bond straight away so I wasn't overly worried about it, but a few months down the line around 4/5th month I fell in love with this little bundle of love and haven't looked back and I would never be without him, I do feel bad about how I felt when he was a newborn but my feelings couldnt be helped and I definitely do not cut myself up about it.