Nursery judgment & mum guilt...need long-term perspective from parents PLS

[HangryLion]

Hi everyone, needing some perspective and reassurance from parents whose kids are older now!
DD is 3 and has been at nursery since 22 months. She absolutely adores it...to the point where she asks to go in even on her days off. I'm now getting ready to send DS (1) for 2 days a week.
Lately, I’ve been seeing so many negative posts online with people claiming they’d "never send their kids to nursery," and it’s triggering huge mum guilt and self-doubt.
For those of you with school-age kids, teens, or adult children who went to nursery as babies or toddlers: how did it turn out? Did it affect your bond at all long-term?
I just need some real-world perspective to shut out the online noise!

DT’s went to nursery full time from six months old - no regrets at all. They are now in their 20’s - happy, healthy and successful.

We have a great relationship and if I was to do it again I wouldn’t change anything.

I'd steer clear of wherever you're seeing that kind of stuff. I have one at school and one at nursery and am very thankful they gain(/ed) so much from a very lovely setting! We have absolutely no support or family and it's a really high quality setting, so if I "never sent mine to nursery", then they and I probs would go crazy :)

I'd just avoid those kinds of posts and comments. It's nonsense. Just think of the sheer numbers of children at nurseries around the country. It's the majority of children, because people need to work and most people don't have free childcare from relatives available.

Both mine were in nursery from about 12 months for 3 days a week. They had a wonderful time and still talk about their lovely nursery and the activities they did, the staff, the outside space and so on.

Your bond with your children is not going to be affected by 16 hours or so a week in the care of nursery staff.

Due to work and circumstances i had to put my son in from 4 months a few days a week then 5 days as he got older. I felt so gulity especially when a close "friend" had big opinons on it. But it was great, he loved it, still sees his little best friend even though they went different schools. I stopped listening to negativity as i knew this was needed for us. Also did not impact our bond in the slightest x

Just ignore it.

It's so easy to say these thing if you can afford a nanny or to stay at home. Most parents can't.

If you are happy with the quality of care provided by the nursery that’s all that matters.

They learn so much, they get to be around other kids, honestly though, no big difference between the two who did and the two who didn’t!! Oh and I used to not get to spend enough time with ds3 and 4 because I’d be cleaning cooking and trying to get the house in order so I had equivalent guilt to when the other two were in nursery!!

Are you going back to work? Makes sense. If you’re just at home, sending a 1 yo to nursery is a bit strange

DS is 7. He started nursery at 13 months. He went four days a week but long days (8.30 - 6). We have an extremely strong bond. Almost all the other children in his class were also in full time nursery. All our kids are fine! DS went to a great nursery where they did all sorts of things that I’d never do with him at home, made lots of friends and had a lot of fun.

Mine are 4 and 2 they both love nursery and school clubs respectively.

My dd cried she wants go to afterschool club every day and my son skips into nursery.

Both are nurturing high quality environments that enable me.to work and gor us all the lead a nicer quality of life.

I feel zero guilt.

I used to hear mums say...I could never leave my kid with a stranger, yet at 3 off they went to school nursery where they also did not know the teacher 🙄

My DS went to a private nursery at one because I had to work and then went to a childminder, nearly 18 and was happy at both! Hasn't told me he is traumatised!

Ignore them OP!!

I have older kids. One went to a childminder but then moved to nursery as CM was off sick so much. Second went straight to nursery. 4 days. Long days. Because we had to work. From 12m. They loved it! Learnt loads of skills, made friends and built brilliant bonds with the staff. Both well rounded, good kids who are doing well in school. They are good at home and we have a great relationship (by great I mean normal - of course they still argue and do silly things). It allowed us to work and give them a good quality of life. It also allowed me my career sanity. I think being in group settings is good for them. I wouldn’t have wanted to be a SAHM. That’s just my preference.

I wouldn't send my baby to nursery unless I absolutely had to. Having worked in nurseries (in fairness a long time ago) I am not a fan at all. BUT I think it's extremely unlikely to have any observable long-term ill effects on either his development or your bond. It will be fine. You do what you have to do for the overall health of the family and don't feel guilty about it.

@NuffSaidSam What makes you not a fan at all of nurseries, all of them? Do the same issues apply to childminders? Is the only appropriate childcare a nanny in the home or a parent?

I wonder how you can square the fact that you wouldn't use nurseries unless forced to with the idea that there would be no long term ill effects on children that do go to nurseries? The two don't seem to match up.

I'm not sure that a discussion around these issues is what the OP is looking for with this thread. Also, it doesn't matter because my childcare preference doesn't need to impact the OP's childcare preference. We can prefer different options for our children, that's ok.

Yes, of course @NuffSaidSam there are different preferences. It just seems like you want to issue a dire warning about nurseries (you wouldn't ever use any nursery unless forced to) whilst at the same time being almost certain that there won't be any observable long-term ill effects on the child's development or their bond. Just seems an odd way to reassure the OP about nurseries!

@HangryLion people have all kinds of opinions about nurseries. Much of it based on nothing at all other than prejudice, or outdated experiences of a few specific settings. It is hard to leave your child in the care of other people, however much we have researched and checked the setting that we have chosen. Your DS will be fine, just as your DD has been.

I'm not reassuring her necessarily, I'm giving what is my honest, balanced view.

Using a nursery would be my last resort for childcare. That's true.

But what is also true is that the very vast majority of children who use nurseries are absolutely fine.

I can only be almost certain that no harm will come to her child as we all know that some children do suffer terrible harm in nurseries, but this is the very, very small minority (as far as we know!).

Or course, some children will suffer harm from childminders, nannies or family members so which risk you take is just down to personal preference.

Don't listen to negative opinions. Honestly Mums can't win . I was a SAHM and worked around them at secondary school so always available. Teenage DCs asked me why I was OK to let DH be the provider , didn't I want to be on the workplace , etc. And now my pension isn't great either .

Your kids will be fine .

I have three kids. DS1 went to nursery from 9 months. DS2 went to a childminder but never nursery. DS3 didn’t have either and was cared for by his grandmother and by me. They are all young adults - at Uni or just finished and all very sociable and happy and functional. My conclusion is it’s all fine and childcare probably isn’t the determining factor as to how they’ll turn out.

I was a single mum at 19 and sent my son Monday to Friday 7am-6pm so I could do my nursing degree. Often picked him up early if I finished uni early but for the most point he was there and I felt sooo guilty. Then he started school and no tears, they commented it was like he’d always been there.

he’s now 10 and has no problems being away from me but he’s well rounded, independent and suffered no ill effects. Signed himself up to residentials and times away with school with no tears and I genuinely think it set him up with the skills to have his own kind, be independent and secure

My youngest is also 1 and newly started nursery, I noticed a lot of very similar posts suddenly popping up around the time that she started. It's clickbait because it's the thing you have strong feelings about right now! Fwiw, she's settled in to her 2 nursery days beautifully and I'm glad to have a little bit of time back at work. We are still together the vast majority of the time, as it sounds like you will be. My older 3 were in nursery or childminder for a similar amount of time and loved it (actually the ones who went to nursery settled faster than childminders). They are happy kids and we have a good bond 😊 I think the most important thing is that they can build relationships with a couple of the adults at nursery, then everything else is easier

There will always be junk online that dramatises whatever you are doing as a parent as terrible whether nursery or otherwise

Mine went at 6 months - “so early how terrible” etc

Unsurprisingly they are absolutely fine now at secondary school, doing well

You need to stop reading nonsense online. Just do what suits you! Guilt is a choice.

A child in nursery will do way more activities than you could ever think of.
My son went from 11 months. He loved it, he also goes to wraparound care now - he’s 6 - and asks for sleepovers 😂

weekends were more special and family time because work and nursery took up the week. Our bond isn’t any less.

I think people always feel the need to defend their position, and that can often take the shape of criticising other people’s choices. All 5 of mine went to nursery because we enjoyed things like a house and electricity and shoes.
I also used to work in a nursery, there were a handful of children out of hundreds that didn’t enjoy it . They get to do so much more than you would do at home with them . You know yours enjoy it and actively want to go, you’re doing what suits your family and it sounds like it’s working well . Dont let other people
make you doubt yourself .