Nursery judgment & mum guilt...need long-term perspective from parents PLS

[HangryLion]

Hi everyone, needing some perspective and reassurance from parents whose kids are older now!
DD is 3 and has been at nursery since 22 months. She absolutely adores it...to the point where she asks to go in even on her days off. I'm now getting ready to send DS (1) for 2 days a week.
Lately, I’ve been seeing so many negative posts online with people claiming they’d "never send their kids to nursery," and it’s triggering huge mum guilt and self-doubt.
For those of you with school-age kids, teens, or adult children who went to nursery as babies or toddlers: how did it turn out? Did it affect your bond at all long-term?
I just need some real-world perspective to shut out the online noise!

Those kids are at a financial disadvantage and aren't growing up seeing their mums as strong financially independent women. Mine learns so much from nursery, as do we! They have different ways to do things which we don't think of. They also see so many kids that they're just more experienced and can be quite reassuring. The health visitors see lots of kids, but they only see each kid for 20 minutes so don't necessarily have that much experience of the reality.

Sure, I feel guilty sometimes, but there are other huge benefits. I am also in the fortunate position I can pick DS relatively easily and can take days off if he's feeling under the weather.

You are exactly the sort of smug/paranoid scaremongering who caused OP to start this post.

All 3 of my (now adult) kids went to nursery as soon as they were verbal and they all loved it.

So about 3 years old as I felt it was safer if they could communicate with me and their dad.

Both of mine went to nursery from 1 yr old. We’ve stayed in the same area and they went all through primary school with their nursery friends and now my eldest is in secondary school and one of her friends from nursery is in her form. It’s so lovely that they have lifelong friends and even the ones who moved away we still have strong ties with.

My DC are outgoing chatterboxes anyway but they really thrived in nursery. Started reception knowing how to read and write their names, really confident around teachers and new people. It was nothing but positive in my experience.

Have you read the news recently? Do you know any police officers in real life? You do realise male paedophile rings deliberately target nurseries for employment! Wise up.

At least their kids grow up actually seeing their Mums!

Do you genuinely think a child cares if their Mum is ‘a strong financially independent woman’?! That’s your ego talking. Children do care that someone is there to take them to school, listen to them talk about their day, attend their events, be present, show an interest basically. None of that has anything to do with money! That’s all anyone cares about nowadays, I genuinely despair!!! Poor kids!

I always worked from when my kids were little. I've used every childcare option available- nanny, au pair, childminders, nurseries and I have a lovely bond with my children. I think it is important that they see woman as professionals and contributing to the home. Ignore the noise

Exactly, there is so much talk about online safety/ not showing your children online but not enough people talk about the risks of sending non verbal kids/babies to nursery

Most cases of abuse is by family members

I had no concerns about sending six months old DT’s to full time nursery. They received excellent care from highly qualified staff - low turnover rate and great ratios

Yes children do care. My mum worked and I admire her and respect her because she's a "strong financially independent woman". I'd had a lot less respect for her had she just sat at home while we were at school with no job. She showed me just how much women can achieve and she's my absolute role model. I'm so proud of how she balanced a career and motherhood.

And she was a very present parent, she was always there for me. I have wonderful memories of my childhood and couldn't have asked for a better mum.

People can still work and be there for their children.

I also care and am very proud that my mum worked for what we had.

I would tend to agree.

There's a risk with everything in life. . We hear about these awful cases of abuse in nursery because they are SO rare.

Children don't suddenly become verbal and that's an absolute safeguard against abuse. Children as young as 3 are still incredibly vulnerable and in the very very unlikely chance, they were to be abused the likelihood is they wouldn't tell a parent about it. It's why sadly you get cases of child abuse coming to light years after they happen. It does so much psychologically to children that they don't have the cognitive or emotional understanding to tell someone straight away.

And I know a plenty of police officers and social workers who have all used nurseries.

I agree - I’m proud that DT’s had parents setting an example that the world is their oyster. Loving parents, top quality education, loads of extra curriculum opportunities and travel across the world.

Having parents in good careers has also meant that we funded their university costs and first home.

Mine went from four and five months each time, part time. And I didn’t even need to return to work.
They are now 23 and 21, high achieving independent young adults with no lasting trauma. All bonded just fine. I still maintain it was my best ever parenting decision to use nursery and rtw. It preserved my skills, sanity and power balance in our marriage, and my pension looks great.

I’ve got four children and I went back to work as a teacher when each was six weeks old. There was no paid maternity leave in the late 80s and early 90s. There was no subsidised childcare, but, I also loved my job.

Did I miss out on some things? Absolutely yes, but I also can’t imagine having done things differently.

As a teacher, I cheered for all of the kids on Sports Day, but especially those with no parents there. I helped with Easter Bonnets and when the rare child mentioned not having parents there, I reminded them that adults need to work and that while I was with them, I couldn’t do these things for my own children. Teaching children 9 and up, you could see the penny drop and that they understood this.

When a certificate comes home and you weren’t there, celebrate it, put it on the fridge, let them have dessert or Mc Donald’s or whatever is a good treat in your family. Kids will be absolutely just as happy with this!

By the time mine were 10-14 we were at the stage where people would tell me how lucky we were that we could afford certain things, days out, holidays. It wasn’t luck, it was because I worked and they were old enough to really understand this.

They’re all grown up now and adults over 30 and never once have they ever complained or blamed anything on me not being at home when they were little. Don’t worry though, they will still find something to blame you for eventually 😂😂😂, but it’s usually lighthearted.

I did once have a friend exclaim that she could never send her children to day care. When I reminded her that I sent mine to daycare, she exclaimed, but I love mine. I pushed straight back and reminded her that I loved mine too, but the bills wouldn’t pay themselves. We are still friends, but, I haven’t forgotten that. 😎Some people just aren’t the brightest!

Do what works for you and your family! Read them books at night and have those beautiful cuddles and conversations, take them to parks on the weekend, you will still develop the same closeness and memories and your kids are far more likely to be ready for school when the time arrives too.

I have worked since my children were babies. I have also found time to talk to them, read to them and with them, ask them about their day and teach them manners. I have very much "shown an interest". I was also in the fortunate position of having a career should me and husband have separated. SAHM are very vulnerable in case of marriage breakdown. That is the "money" you think is the thing I care about

My kids went to nurseries, childminder, breakfast and after school clubs (not all at once!) from the age of 1. I worked part time for several years pre school. Full time after that with a commute. It was stressful but not being able to pay bills would have been nore so!
They are fine and so is our relationship. I managed to attend events, read to them, talk to them and all those things that parents do, and have a job too! You will too.
Mine have done better in educational and mental health terms than their peers with housewife mums. It's a lottery how kids turn out.
Ignore the snipers. Rare that a man snipes ime. It's always the women. Sad.

You should have more trust in your husband.

Both of mine were at nursery for 3 days a week from around 12 month. My eldest is still friends with a boy who was there at the same time despite being at different primary schools and now they are at high school together. She said it's like having another brother and he calls her his not-sister.
My son remembers how many more toys he could play with and the time the hedgehog came to visit.
I loved it because they got to do all the glitter crafts there and the staff were absolutely amazing. I had to work and I knew my kids were having more fun than if I was a SAHM with them.

My mum was NOT a strong financially independent woman, and I saw that. I've watched her feel unable to speak her mind, defend her children, or make decisions that affected her family. I still see it, as do my children.

I chose very consciously not to be like her, and to be financially independent, and have a career. My children see the difference between me and her.

That’s more down to temperament and personality. I’m way more outspoken, assertive and downright argumentative than my husband or brother, always have been since I was a kid, nothing to do with having a job! 😂

You couldn't be more wrong. She's extremely outspoken, assertive and confident with everyone other than the husband she has always relied on financially.

But your description of yourself explains why you appear to be entirely incapable of recognising other people's experiences.