Nursery judgment & mum guilt...need long-term perspective from parents PLS

[HangryLion]

Hi everyone, needing some perspective and reassurance from parents whose kids are older now!
DD is 3 and has been at nursery since 22 months. She absolutely adores it...to the point where she asks to go in even on her days off. I'm now getting ready to send DS (1) for 2 days a week.
Lately, I’ve been seeing so many negative posts online with people claiming they’d "never send their kids to nursery," and it’s triggering huge mum guilt and self-doubt.
For those of you with school-age kids, teens, or adult children who went to nursery as babies or toddlers: how did it turn out? Did it affect your bond at all long-term?
I just need some real-world perspective to shut out the online noise!

There are some nurseries I'd never send my child too. There are many that I absolutely think make a really positive difference.

Mine are the same.
Went to nursery from 6 months old.
Never had a problem going to school and no teenage problems.
I think it's great for them and I would find them safer at nursery than a private childminder where you don't know what visitors are calling in and out

I think you should just thank your lucky stars that you have found a good nursery…one that your DD adores. Two days a week sounds like a great balance. Two of my kids were happy in nursery part time. My third child was miserable and I found a childminder instead. You have this: don’t be worrying about things that haven’t happened yet.

Personally for me being able to put my lipstick on and deal with adults in my part time job helped me be a better mother the rest of the time.

Mine two were in daycare full time (8am-5pm) from just over 4 months - both happy and well adjusted teenagers now. I’ve never had a moments guilt about it.

Please try not to worry, they will be absolutely grand!

My dc are at uni now, well rounded young adults. They went to nursery but honestly as soon as they go to school you’ll never ever have the nursery mum guilt again. You’ll just be on to something else! The positive is that by keeping working I’ve now got a very good career - whereas I wouldn’t have that if I’d chosen to be a Sanam

My DS loves it. He learns so much. He needs to burn off a lot of energy and likes being stimulated/with peers so it suits him well.

He goes 3 days and I am continuing this next year when I am on maternity with my second as I really think he would suffer without.

No guilt or shame here!

I've committed all the sins as far as childcare is concerned. Went back to work when each was 6 months old, travelled away from home once a week, sent them to the local nursery and final shock horror sent them to boarding school at 12. Did I feel guilty? Yes. Would I do it all again? Yes. My children are now adults and are happy, well rounded people. They visit often and we all enjoy being together. My going back to work enabled me to provide for them, save for them to help them through university and now that they are getting married and settling down with partners. The alternative would have been a depressed miserable unhappy childhood with a miserable depressed unhappy and very poor mother.
It is hard not to feel bad whatever the choices we make as mothers. There are always those (unfortunately often other women) who enjoy making people feel awful about the decisions they make. I've realised that it is usually because they are not very nice people. Please ignore them if you can. And remember. Noone has criticised a man for sending his child to nursery. Take heart. You'll be fine.

Wow. Thank you so much. Reading this has really put things into perspective. Im starting my career in the NHS and doing a Nursing Degree and found a way to do this whilst working two days a week. The alternative for me really would be staying at home with the kids and not building on my career until I'm much older.

There is a lot of unhinged garbage on social media and online (including on here) and as a woman you just need to see past it all. That’s the biggest flex and favour you can do for yourself in life.

Using paid childcare, whether nursery or childminder is normal, very very normal. If others choose not to use it, they have their reasons which is very very ok. Those that wish to be all uppity about other people’s choices….those are the ones we avoid 😃

I worried about sending my DD to nursery because my best friend worked in nurseries and told me the standards were variable and told me a few stories of things that no parent would risk their child ever experiencing.
i did send my DD to nursery after thorough research and she loved it.
I sent my DS to the same nursery and he didnt enjoy it,he really objected ,so i took some time off work and stayed at home for a year, then tried again and nursery and he enjoyed it then.
My third child DD2 did not go to nursery due to circumstances in our family at the time .
All grown up now and no difference in their development or our relationships.
Trust your own judgement as to what is right for your family given your circumstances.

No guilt whatsoever. DS absolutely thrived in the nursery. We have zero family around and they became our village from 15 months old to 4.5 years. He even made a few best mates there that we still see. When they were graduating all families were in tears- they were fantastic. And for us, they helped us focus on our careers because we knew our kids were well looked after and it was priceless. we were able to provide for him this way. As for the negative noise around, it will always be there - only you can shut it down. Ultimately it’s your life and your choices.

My DD went to nursery from 14 weeks, 8am until 6pm. She was there for 2 years, and then I gave up work when I had DS and we moved away. She then went to a different nursery 2 days a week for another 2 years and for the second year was also at pre school 3 mornings.

DS stayed at home with me until he started pre school.

They are both adults now, and I have a brilliant relationship with them. DS still lives at home post uni and last night asked me if I would watch bake off with him. DD has literally just texted to ask my opinion on something and often calls me when she’s walking home from work just to chat. Neither has been damaged by their early childcare. Do what works for you and your family

Ignore these arseholes.

Birth my kids went to nursery and then wraparound care during primary school.

one is now at uni and the other is a thriving teen.

excellent relationships and close loci bf relationships all round.

they also have great work ethics having been set excellent examples by both of us.

I don’t know anyone who hasn’t used some form of childcare from at least 3 and most from 1 as all my friends work and have careers. Mine both have gone to the same small nursery as each other part-time from 1 and have thrived there. I wouldn’t make any other choice (I technically could have not sent them at all as my work hours and DH allow that). They’re great kids, they both learned a lot about social interaction at nursery, did things that are harder to emulate at home and are happy, smart kids who we can take anywhere and who are independent and secure.

Sounds like the algorithm has got you! Care less about what other people are doing.

Posting on here is a bit like asking chat GPT. You’ll hear what you want to hear, it’s an echo chamber. Do your own research on child development and do what you feel is best for your child.

I always wonder if mums feel guilty because we're told we should feel guilty and constant messages about "mum guilt". You never hear anything about "dad guilt" on social media!

Nothing about how we parent is ever going to be perfect or ideal. I'm not convinced a SAHM is the best model either. Most of us just have to make the best with our circumstances. Myself and everyone I know has used nurseries. Even the one SAHM I knew sent her two from 1 to nursery two days a week (no judgement from me. I'd have done the same!).

All our kids are happy and healthy. There's been no detrimental impact on them. They have strong and loving attachments to parents. They aren't "institutionalised" or any of the other nonsense you read on here about kids going to nursery.

I agree that there’s no point demonising nursery, particularly when some parents have little or no choice but to use it. Nobody should be made to feel guilty for doing what they need to do for their family.

But I think there’s a difference between saying nursery doesn’t harm children and saying there are no developmental benefits to spending more time with a parent in the early years. Where families do have a genuine choice, surely it’s okay to discuss the potential benefits of having a parent at home for longer, without that being interpreted as criticism of parents who make different choices.

I agree 100%! DT’s went to nursery full time from six months old. I didn’t financially need to return to work but wanted to continue with my career.
DT’s thrived at nursery. Two of the key workers became our babysitters and DH actually gave one of them away at her wedding.

Nurseries aren’t institutional care - they are amazing!

Mine went 8-6, 4 days a week from 9 months old, 5 days a week from 18 months. As per PP my job included foreign travel regularly, I worked long hours, my office was miles away and DH was the default parent. I was often only just squeaking home for bedtime!
DD is now 11, at seniors and thriving. We have a lovely bond involving a mutual hobby and her relationship with DH is a beautiful thing to see. I’ve stepped back a little bit now career wise as I firmly believe girls going through puberty need their mum and so the plan was always to ramp down and be home more as she got older. My previous commitment to my career means the step back is easier financially, smaller mortgage, bigger pension and savings pots already in place.

2 days a week is really nothing to feel guilty about!! They will have a great time and learn so much.

Honestly the posts you’re looking at are unreasonable in themselves, but also more likely about full time nursery from a young age. Your situation is nothing like that.

Yoy need to stay away from that stuff online; it’s an opinion. And an opinion probably from rich mums who don’t have to work. If you’re happy with the nursery and your child is settled there thats all that matters. Mine is 2 and has been at nursery a year, she absolutely loves it. She also asks to go at the weekend!

Two kids went to nursery and childminder ( inc before and after school) till youngest was 10. Eldest’s BFF is someone she met at nursery ( they are now 18 and still hang out), youngest is bubbly and caring and outgoing. Eldest at uni, youngest starting GCSEs. I always get compliments on how well behaved, polite and charming they are (even from people that don’t know me). I managed to keep my career and don’t feel they missed out, some of their happiest memories are from the childminders

I wouldn’t use them for under 3s, certainly not babies. Children who are non-verbal are incredibly vulnerable in the sense that they cannot communicate any abuse. Mine didn’t set foot in one until term after third birthday and after I had taught them myself about pants safety, how to ask for help, assertive phrases and that they do not have to do what a grown up says if it makes them uncomfortable. I also ensured I was a governor overseeing safeguarding and making sure I informed staff of what I’d already taught my child. Those type of people sniff out weakness.

Do check out OFSTED reports if you do use one, as injuries/physical assaults/sexual assaults by staff have rocketed. Do your homework, meet all staff yourself, follow your gut. Know signs of change in a child and act quickly. Inform yourself.

Imagine watching a bunch of older children with their parents for an hour. Do you think you could pick out which ones went to nursery? Nope. And nobody will be able to tell with yours, either.

Children LOVE nursery. They get to do all the things that I didn’t want to do at home. Anything messy and sand, (HATE it!) They learn to take turns, get to play with toys you don’t have at home, socialise. Honestly they’re all geared up for little people. I think they’re marvellous places.