Nursery judgment & mum guilt...need long-term perspective from parents PLS

[HangryLion]

Hi everyone, needing some perspective and reassurance from parents whose kids are older now!
DD is 3 and has been at nursery since 22 months. She absolutely adores it...to the point where she asks to go in even on her days off. I'm now getting ready to send DS (1) for 2 days a week.
Lately, I’ve been seeing so many negative posts online with people claiming they’d "never send their kids to nursery," and it’s triggering huge mum guilt and self-doubt.
For those of you with school-age kids, teens, or adult children who went to nursery as babies or toddlers: how did it turn out? Did it affect your bond at all long-term?
I just need some real-world perspective to shut out the online noise!

Most people trust their husbands. Still doesn't stop marriages breaking up for a variety of reasons. And this isn't the 1950s any more. Woman can still love and trust their husband AND still want to earn their own income and have their own career.

I think people can do what they want. However I will fight against this narrative that somehow being working mums (and let's face it, it's always mums we speak about) is this either or thing. You can still work and be a present parent. You can still work and be there for your child. Being at home is a choice that suits many but it does not make you a better or superior parent.

No. That leads to many children living in poverty. Which shows that your concern isn't actually about children, just berating women.

Exactly. Why don't men trust their wives and give up their jobs?

Yes, people love to look down their noses at children who ‘live in poverty’, often in homes full of love. I was delighted to see recent research published highlighting that excessive screen use is more harmful to children than living in poverty. Many people have no actual idea what constitutes ‘living in poverty’ anyway, as lifestyles are so greedy and excessive now. About time there is more nuance to the whole ‘money being everything’ debate. It is NOT all a child needs.

Your true intentions are really showing with that strawman.

My cousin-in-law is loaded and teaches at a top private school. He told me at a family event he thinks it I stayed at home, and that was it is a shame it’s importance is currently undervalued. He said the children he teaches are absolutely crying out for time and attention from their parents, who buy them everything, but don’t have time for them. The children report how unhappy this makes them, and how emotionally neglected they are.

A strawman defended with third-hand anecdotes - brilliant!

oh gosh just ignore all the negativity, my DS absolutely loved nursery! He went 3 days a week and it was just the best thing for him, he was totally ready for school as a result of going too!

My husband grew up at times in poverty despite the fact he was loved by his parents. It's certainly not a childhood he wishes for our children. He loves his mum but is very clear had she even had a part time job, it would have made a massive difference to their lives. Being able to not worry about shopping, or paying bills or to live in a nicer area where he wasn't afraid to go out at night to name just a few. Children need a lot more than love to have happy and stable childhoods.

Because most women are hypocrites and deep down couldn’t hack being the breadwinner.

I’ve got plenty of female friends who swan feeling superior because they work, but they only work 1-3 days a week in jobs that pay way less than their husband’s. They definitely like their husband earning the big bucks and could not sustain switching to FT if he lost his job.

So yeah, unsurprising more men don’t trust them!

His poor mother having such an unappreciative son.

Am i assuming that this top private school is a boarding school?

Nonetheless, the experience of children at a top private school crying out for the attention of their parents really doesn't prove anything. The overwhelming majority of children go to state schools with parents who work normal 9-5 jobs or part time jobs who are more than their for their kids.

You don't know my husband or his family. And he isn't unappreciative. But having grown up in poverty and struggling at times and the impact it had on him, he's well within his right to be vocal about things that could have made a difference to him.

No one enjoys growing up in poverty. Children have every right to be resentful or angry about this if they see how a parent working could have improved things for them.

What an absolute pile of bollocks. Based on absolute nothing.

And since you've made comments on me. I'll do the same for you. I feel deeply sorry for your children. Imagine having a mum with these views. That you had no faith in your daughter, that she would be a hypocrite and not handle a high paying job. That if she chooses to work, her husband won't trust her.

What an awful message to teach your children.

Truth hurts.

But it isn't the truth though. Just something you've gleamed from a few supposed friends. Not based on any evidence based research.

And if they are your "friends" I feel dreadfully sorry for them. I can't imagine calling someone a friend and having such a judgmental low opinion on them as you do with them.

No, they are the judgmental ones, constantly saying how they could never be a SAHM. When actually, they resemble housewives earning a bit of pin money themselves. It is their husbands who work 14 hour days, who work really hard every day in jobs with real responsibility and accountability, their tiny income wouldn’t be missed, but they feel so superior for having any type of job. They wouldn’t swap with their husbands in a million years! They also have no qualms about freeloading of the unpaid labour of their mothers and/or MILs, oh yes, so it’s OK for other women to do their childcare, cooking, washing, hospital runs (!) for free, or poorly paid female childminders/nursery workers/cleaners. Their hypocrisy is off the charts!!!

Are you sure these people are your friends or people you've just made up to fit your own narrative. You don't seem to like each other very much. I've got friends who are SAHM. We respect each other's choices.

In fact you don't seem to like woman full stop. Have you any daughters? Are they aware on your views on woman who work or want an independent life outside their husbands and children?

Again, you’re clearly unable to recognise anyone else’s experience as valid, other than your own.

Hopefully your children are exposed to other adults, not just your narrow-mindedness.

I'm still laughing at how a cousins story about children at a top private school would have any relevance to your average joe public working 9-5 in a part time job and using a nursery 😂