Help needed! Just found out about tax charge on child benefit.

[Banoffeepie29]

Hope this is OK to post. I've been such an idiot! I had some good advice on here recently about taking control more of my finances in an unequal marriage. I created a HMRC account on the app and realised I was only claiming child benefit for 2 children when I have 3! As I've recently learnt it's important for your pension credits to claim, I started a new claim for 3rd child but then read about the high income tax charge! I'm not 100% hiw much he earns, but I'm pretty sure my H earns atleast 60k. Now I am worried I will get in trouble for claiming. I'm not sure when he passed the 60k threshold, or exactly how much he is on.

Does anybody know if I will have to pay the tax charge back now? Does it get back dated? Or will it be H who has to pay it, he will be fuming if that's the case! I feel so stupid because I had no idea about this rule I'm rubbish at things like this anyway. I've got to the part of the claim where I need his NI number but now I'm worried about telling him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Abuse doesn't begin and end with violence.

Abuse is slowly and systematically breaking your spirit so that you make yourself smaller, squash your needs down because the needs of the other are more important.

He is saying your financial security is not is important as his anxiety
He is saying that the children being able to have swimming lessons isn't as important as his refusal to fill in a form
He is saying that him paying £100 per child is not as important as you getting £1000 per child (a year)
He is saying that your free will is not as important you his

Abuse takes many forms. I want to really highlight the word systematic here. It is conscious, it is decisions HE is making

My sister was in an abusive marriage and I shared with her a podcast with a woman talking about her abusive relationship and the story that resonated most with her was this...."and he looked across the table and I knew by his face I had to stop talking". He wasn't physically violent with her until she tried to leave, he wasn't outwardly financially abusive but only with hindsight and seeing the life she was able to afford post divorce that she realised he had been keeping her on a shoe string budget so that she would feel like she couldn't afford to leave.

You are not smaller than him
Your needs are just as important as his are
You need this money so much more than he does

You deserve much better than this

I’m sorry if this is inappropriate to ask OP but does he restrict your access to contraception? It all seems so difficult for you and with each child your life gets harder and his control gets tighter.

He wasn't brought up in hardship, I had a poorer upbringing than him (not that we were in poverty, but he had clubs and music lessons which my parents could have never afforded). He is also very generous with the DC's as well and saves for them also, so I know I don't have to worry about them. It just seems its only me he doesn't trust.

@OhamIreally No he doesn't. He doesn't like me taking hormonal types because he says it makes me unbearable to live with, I don't particularly like them either, so our main source has been condoms. I really want him to get a vasectomy but I don't think he's taking it seriously and he jokes about having a 5th but honestly I do not and cannot cope with anymore.

Why would he think it’s your job to know not his? He’s not very clever if he doesn’t realise it’s his responsibility as the higher earner

Really you both should have known. Best to sit down, work it out, and then contact HRMC.

I have sat down and talked about it with him. If you click on 'all posts' from the person who makes a thread then you get the latest updates. You have posted on my thread before without reading all the updates, so I'm just giving you a heads up on how it works @Boomer55

Obviously the thread has moved on during the week but how "should" anyone know about a tax rule

A family member of mine missed out on quite a lot of money by not even knowing that you could claim child benefit and initially I admit I was surprised but then I realised that you can't magically know something, you have to have come across that knowledge in some way

The HICB charge is even less known than child benefit itself, it's not like you get some kind of instructions when you hit the higher tax rates

He says it makes you unbearable to live with (assuming the pill etc) and you don't particularly like them either...? So that's that. But read the first part of that. Even birth control he is in full charge of. You could have tried several types of hormone based contraception- are you saying none suit you?

This thread has proven that it actually wouldn't matter what OP knew/said/found out/suggested. He is not interested in his wife's opinion- or her actual feelings from what I've been reading. So what she knew, discovered, talked to him about- if you read the updates it's crystal clear that's irrelevant to him.

What about the coil?
If you don't want a 5th I would really advice you take control. I would look talk through the longer acting contraception options (coil, 3monthly injections or implant) and potentially not tell him you have started them just to see if he really notices or if it is a nocebo effect or more control. This is like the placebo but where the placebo you feel like something is a positive because you feel like it should be helpful it's where you see side effects because you think there will be.

Even if you don't want it super long term, I think you need breathing space after this pregnancy to think with clarity about this situation.

I am not allowed hormonal contraception at the moment due to complications I developed in my last pregnancy. Having another is not on the cards - practically as well there would be a high chance of me getting unwell again as the complications would return and I have high risk of post partum mental illness. My partner loves me and understands this, intimacy is more PG so there is no risk of pregnancy.

I wonder whether you could raise some of this with your midwife?

That was the mini pill and the injection. I can only take progesterone only types because I breastfed and will likely be breastfeeding again. I don't do well with hormones. I've had PND twice so not sure if I want to risk it anyway.

@Superscientist I suppose I could take them secretly and hope they don't make my moods worse. I had PND after my births so I'm scared of it returning. I think H would definitely still want to be intimate, or would suggest another way of doing it without the risk of getting pregnant which I'm not keen on, as he has said this before although I'm not sure if he was joking. I will think about it though, thanks for the advice.

Copper coil is hormone free

Yes, I understand not wanting to do what I believe he's suggesting. We are intimate still just nothing penetrative but it's only temporary whilst we work out what is happening with my physical health

I have had pnd twice too, what support have you had for it. When I had my daughter restarting the mini pill was part of my treatment it helped level out some of my hormones. I'm not sure if it did anything from that perspective though. I could never tolerate the combined pill as it made me suicidal when I had the week breaks from the drop in osteogen.

Please do have a conversation about this when you get your 8 weeks check. I'm concerned he's trying to keep you vulnerable and reliant on him. I would also be concerned about him sabotaging the condoms.

Unless his suggestion was that he wore condoms, which I assume wasn’t the case, then just why are you with this prince among men?