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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

10 year old ds has just come out

84 replies

trevthecat · 06/07/2020 13:43

just that really. where do i go from here? he told me yesterday and i just said it wasnt an issue and it didnt change anything. i spoke to his teacher today just for some advice, she couldnt help much other than just to keep communication open which i will and is finding me some on-line resources. im worried though, he is 10. can he know this already? what information can i give him? i worried about bullying but don't want to tell him to keep quiet (and make it an issue) but i need him to know some people wont be understanding. he is already a bit of a target, a bit geeky, wears glasses, is socially a bit awkward, clumsy, not into sport etc so this may fuel it further. i guess what im asking is, how can i make this as open and easy for him whilst protecting him from anything too nasty whilst he is so young? and how convinced should i be that he is actually gay? ive always thought he could be. although i dont really know why! thanks

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Beamur · 06/07/2020 13:47

I think children can know from a fairly young age.
My DD is at high school and says whilst there is lots of teasing about being gay, it generally doesn't get directed at the kids who actually are gay.

bluebluezoo · 06/07/2020 13:50

Blimey 10 is awfully young, but if he knows, he knows. But also there’s nothing wrong if he changes his mind later in!

I think I’d go with the “well you have plenty of time to work through your feelings” and point out that the age of consent is 16, so there’s no rush.

I’d also maybe advise not to get too wrapped up in an “identity”, as he is so young and feelings change. Just carry on being who he is for now.

That and you look foward to meeting future partners, and all that matters is they treat him right.

Nousernamehistory · 06/07/2020 13:55

It really depends on his understanding of romantic love and feelings of attraction.

If he thinks being gay or 'liking' boys means preferring to spend time solely with boys (which I've seen some young people do) then it's entirely possible that his feelings will change once his emotional maturity and knowledge grows.

On the other hand, if he understand that homosexuality is only being sexually or romantically attracted to members of the opposite sex (as opposed to any other bs stereotype society gives it), then that's pretty different.

Either way, I'd be assuring him that he can always tell you how he feels no matter what. I'd also make sure he has the message that it is ok to love anyone no matter what sex you/or they are. But it's also important not to make a big thing of it. If he feels that everyone now sees him as gay then it might be more difficult for him to express any change of feeling.

10 is very young. Keep an open mind and make sure he knows he'll be accepted and loved regardless. That's the only thing he needs right now.

And please don't fall into any mermaid/stonewall/gender ideology misinformation.

Original poster
trevthecat · 06/07/2020 14:01

We do talk quite openly about other sexualities so it's not a taboo subject. I'm hoping this has helped with him speaking up. Me and my partner (step dad. Bio dad isn't involved) are very loving and openly cuddle, say love you etc and so he is learning what happy relationships can look like, regardless of gender or sexuality. I'm worried by saying just wait and see it's looks like I don't believe him. Ive imagined this situation before and it was never filled with so much worry. God if I'm this confused how must he be!

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SirSamuelVimesBlackboardMonito · 06/07/2020 14:04

I'd not make a big deal of it. "That's fine, we love you, you can be gay or straight and it makes no difference to who you are or how we feel about you. Let's go do something fun."

Sleepingboy · 06/07/2020 14:05

My 9.5 year old doesn't even know about sexuality. What on earth has he been seeing or hearing?!

Original poster
trevthecat · 06/07/2020 14:08

Your 9.5 year old doesn't know about straight and gay?

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Original poster
trevthecat · 06/07/2020 14:09

Or any other sexuality? Why not?

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justanotherneighinparadise · 06/07/2020 14:11

I do think 10 is very young to be thinking about sexuality. I can remember being 10 and it didn’t cross my mind. Just be mindful as to what he might be watching through a screen.

Sleepingboy · 06/07/2020 14:14

@trevthecat

Your 9.5 year old doesn't know about straight and gay?
No, he knows people get married, he doesn't even know about sex yet. Hes 9! How can a 10 year old be thinking about anyone in a romantic way? All the 9/10 year old boys I know dont even want to talk to a girl, let alone be intimate with one, so now does your ds know he doesn't or that he prefers boys? How can I has crossed his mind at all? My ds has not heard or seen anything where this is even in his brain....
eurochick · 06/07/2020 14:14

It also seems incredibly young to me. I think I was still at the "boys are horrid" stage at ten and thinking about sexuality at all. (I'm very much straight, btw)

Isadora2007 · 06/07/2020 14:15

I’ve got an 11 year old and she knows about sexuality. She doesn’t really like the idea of sex at all- sounds gross- but she knows when she does want to get married it would be to a man. It makes sense that someone that age would probably know what they do and don’t feel without needing to be sexual beings quite yet.
I’d just say it’s lovely that he’s able to speak to you about it and that he has a good wee while before being anyone’s boyfriend is an issue as he is still young. But to keep talking... and that he is who he is, his sexuality doesn’t define him. Or you. Or anyone.

Harriedharriet · 06/07/2020 14:17

It is seriously young to be "picking a side". In your shoes I would not go too far down the rabbit hole. "We love you no matter what" is very reassuring to hear followed by "you can do what you like at 18 - until then blame me" can also be useful! {grin}. I would follow up on the potiental bullying, and I would try to find clubs etc of like people that he can join. That changed my life as a youngster - meeting other geeks.

Original poster
trevthecat · 06/07/2020 14:23

@sleepingboy we are quite open. They know how babies are made etc. He doesn't know about sex as such other than how babies are made so this isn't a sexual thing. He doesn't know about gay sex or anything.

He did have a 'girlfriend' for a bit but they didn't even hold hands! He is much more friendly with the girls in his class and out of all the cousins he is most friendly with the eldest girl (12). He does have boys that are friends but I think it's just 2 our of his class.

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SirSamuelVimesBlackboardMonito · 06/07/2020 14:24

I don't think it's too young to know at all. Some of my gay friends would definitely say they knew at that age, some would say they didn't know until later. But it's certainly not weird. I'm pretty sure I had crushes on boys at that age, so I "knew" I was straight, didn't I?

Original poster
trevthecat · 06/07/2020 14:25

I would agree sir. I have always known a was straight.

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SirSamuelVimesBlackboardMonito · 06/07/2020 14:26

Op just be on the lookout for school or peers trying to convince him he's trans instead. Likes boys, likes to hang around with girls - for some reason this gets interpreted as 'must be a girl' in some circles these days.

GreyishDays · 06/07/2020 14:27

The problem with not knowing about sex by 9.5 is that they pick up all sorts off odd ideas. From my children and their friends (or their mums) I’d say it’s quite late not to have spoken to them about it.

GreyishDays · 06/07/2020 14:28

Tried to quote @Sleepingboy there but it didn’t work.

BetNoir · 06/07/2020 14:28

My DD came out at a similar age, she's 13 now. I thought it was young too (I felt like eurochick at that age) but DH says he was 100% sure of his sexuality from when he was very young, and I've spoken to lots of other people (gay and straight) who've said the same.

Cecily75 · 06/07/2020 14:28

Well, we have gay friends and families with same sex parents, so it's always been an open and accepted aspect of life in our family.

I don't think at his age that you need to be convinced of his sexual orientation, just be supportive as you already are. He will be the one working through his feelings as he goes through adolescence, and as long as he knows you will love him regardless of who he finds attractive then I'm sure he'll be fine.

At this age though, in your position I would advise him that not children (because of their family and upbringing) will be as knowledgeable or accepting of homosexuality, so although he has nothing to be ashamed about, he might want to be careful about who he shares this aspect of his personality with. (I used to say something similar about Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy when my kids stopped believing in them far earlier than their friends.)

When my DC came out to me, I too wondered "how do they know?" and discussing this with a gay friend, I was reminded that we don't tend to think like this and question our sexuality if someone is heterosexual - "how go they know they're straight?" We automatically accept or assume it as the norm. No reason to treat homosexuality any differently.

You sound like you're doing a great job supporting your sonFlowers It makes me really upset to know that many of my DC's gay friends haven't come out to their parents for great of being rejected, those parents are missing out on such a huge part of their kids' life Sad

Dontstepinthecowpat · 06/07/2020 14:31

@Sleepingboy surely your DS knows men can marry men and woman can marry women? It’s not something that we have had to teach our children, not a secret to be found out!

Idontlikewednesdays · 06/07/2020 14:31

@Harriedharriet

It is seriously young to be "picking a side". In your shoes I would not go too far down the rabbit hole. "We love you no matter what" is very reassuring to hear followed by "you can do what you like at 18 - until then blame me" can also be useful! {grin}. I would follow up on the potiental bullying, and I would try to find clubs etc of like people that he can join. That changed my life as a youngster - meeting other geeks.
You can do what you like at 18!! Seriously. You think that’s an ok thing to say. The only thing a child is going to pick up from that is that their parent doesn’t approve.
LillianBland · 06/07/2020 14:33

@SirSamuelVimesBlackboardMonito

Op just be on the lookout for school or peers trying to convince him he's trans instead. Likes boys, likes to hang around with girls - for some reason this gets interpreted as 'must be a girl' in some circles these days.
This.

Who are the organisations that you’ve been given as support, OP?

Original poster
trevthecat · 06/07/2020 14:35

@cecily thank you. Some great advice. I will talk to him more over the coming days and weeks. Trying not to have one long chat and make a big deal of it. Yes I get the norm of being straight so not thought about.

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