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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

10 year old ds has just come out

84 replies

trevthecat · 06/07/2020 13:43

just that really. where do i go from here? he told me yesterday and i just said it wasnt an issue and it didnt change anything. i spoke to his teacher today just for some advice, she couldnt help much other than just to keep communication open which i will and is finding me some on-line resources. im worried though, he is 10. can he know this already? what information can i give him? i worried about bullying but don't want to tell him to keep quiet (and make it an issue) but i need him to know some people wont be understanding. he is already a bit of a target, a bit geeky, wears glasses, is socially a bit awkward, clumsy, not into sport etc so this may fuel it further. i guess what im asking is, how can i make this as open and easy for him whilst protecting him from anything too nasty whilst he is so young? and how convinced should i be that he is actually gay? ive always thought he could be. although i dont really know why! thanks

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 06/07/2020 14:36

Having been a teacher on primary for many years, it's usually quite obvious which children are gay and which are not. Most times, the children themselves aren't aware of it. All too often though, children who don't fit into the "gender norms" may think they're gay or trans because they don't yet understand what it all means. Boys who prefer to hang around with girls because the other boys are into different things, and vice versa with girls, may believe that they've got to decide what they are. There's so much thrown at children today that it's no wonder they're confused!
OP, first of all, check his internet use, some sites are more "affirming" than others and he could easily be taken down a path that's not who he is, just because he isn't yet sure who he is! There's a huge push on kids being "trans" if they prefer someone of the opposite sex currently. Some see it as "gay conversion". Just make sure he's knowledgeable about the science stuff, i.e. It's not possible to change sex, but he doesn't need to follow any gender stereotypical behaviours.

Original poster
trevthecat · 06/07/2020 14:37

@lillianbland none so far I'm waiting for his teacher to email some things over. I spoke to her this morning. Da told me last night

OP posts:
BakerlooLine · 06/07/2020 14:37

I definitely had crushes on people when I was 8,9,10 - Gary Linekar for example. (!!) Therefore I think 10 is an understandable age for a child to say they're gay.

I agree with the above poster who said maybe just respond with "that's great, we love you no matter what, no let's have some fun", and that's that. I'm not sure what "resources" the teacher feels you need. You sound like a loving supportive parent - I would think that's all that he needs?

Original poster
trevthecat · 06/07/2020 14:38

@soontobe60 can you recommend any websites I can show him? Or any I should be looking for for him to avoid?

OP posts:
Paradiseinportugal · 06/07/2020 14:40

I'd just keep on letting him talk to you, just be open to anything he wants to tell you, stress that he's a bit young to be acting on his feelings, things may change as he grows older. Things may stay the same.
@Nousernamehistory
On the other hand, if he understand that homosexuality is only being sexually or romantically attracted to members of the opposite sex (as opposed to any other bs stereotype society gives it), then that's pretty different
I think that you may have your definition of homosexuality a bit mixed up here. Maybe you meant to say heterosexuality.

midnightstar66 · 06/07/2020 14:40

It is rather young. Dd is 10.5 and in no way thinking about her sexuality. The last time there was talk of boyfriends she was 3. She definitely knows all about it, we have lots of different types of families around us and she understands why my married gay friends had to adopt a child etc. An older dc on our street has transitioned and become male so she's aware of all sorts, she just isn't applying any of that knowledge to her own thoughts or feelings because well. She's 10 and still playing.

I’d also maybe advise not to get too wrapped up in an “identity”, as he is so young and feelings change. Just carry on being who he is for now.

This is good advice imo

Bunnymumy · 06/07/2020 14:48

You can fancy someone and not think about sex. I probably had a crush as young as 11. It didn't mean that I was thinking about sex. I just wanted them to like me back. Besides that I probably had no idea of what that would entail.

monkeyonthetable · 06/07/2020 14:56

OP, it's lovely that he told you. He trusts you and can talk to you. As long as this stays true, it's the most important thing you can do. That and take a zero tolerance attitude to any bullying that you get a sense of.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 06/07/2020 15:05

What monkey said.
His sexuality doesn't matter, what matters is that he wanted to share his feelings with you, and you are supporting him. That is great.

I wouldn't raise bullying issues or anything for a long while, you don't need to discuss this any more than he wants to. If you think that preparing him for being bullied is a good thing, I'm not sure, it might be seen as possibly trying to persuade him to keep quiet about being gay. That's not right.

BigusBumus · 06/07/2020 15:07

Funnily enough I was talking about this yesterday. At Primary School (England) there was a boy who everyone just knew would be gay later in life. I met him at around 8 i think. He played with the girls, hated sport, was extremely girly and even spoke with that effeminate gay voice.

Lost touch after secondary, where he vehemently denied being gay (Mid 80s). Facebook brought us in contact again and, surprise (not), he is and has always been gay.

He told me he "knew" he was gay from the minute he had conscious thought about it, so around 8-ish. Deffo not trans though.

BigusBumus · 06/07/2020 15:08

Also, as an aside, my teenage boys all go to a single sex private school. They all know who is gay and are not remotely bothered by it or anything at all really. Certainly no bullying.

ButteryPuffin · 06/07/2020 15:16

From the sound of it, he will already know (and have experienced through glasses wearing etc.) that sometimes kids are picked on for being 'different' in whatever way. You can make that comparison and say this is the same. But you've already done the best thing by being unfazed and accepting and saying there's no rush to do anything but you love him regardless of who he falls in love with.

DontWantToAdult · 06/07/2020 15:16

I think little crushes and boyfriend / girlfriend littleness starts at about 5/6...

Iv been in childcare for a long time.

I think it is sometimes obvious with boys especially if they are gay, some know, some dont.

But by 9/10 i think some would know that they dont like boys, some dont, some change there mind and some like both.

Dont make an issue at all.

Look for leaflets that he could read, request them online and leave them on his bed.

Tell him, it doesn't matter who he likes.
You dont have to fill his head with bullying aspects.
Every child i know , knows someone who is gay, either a school friend, an aunt / uncle, a friends sibling etc

Children are alot more accepting than adults,
Especially 'adults' on here !
Dont say, Lets wait and see....
Thats not a good thing to say

DontWantToAdult · 06/07/2020 15:18

Just leave resources out

And leave communication open

Make sire he knows he can talk to you

Lottapianos · 06/07/2020 15:18

'there was a boy who everyone just knew would be gay later in life. I met him at around 8 i think. He played with the girls, hated sport, was extremely girly and even spoke with that effeminate gay voice.'

Dear lord. Stereotypes much? You didn't 'know' that child was gay Bigus, that's really not how it works Hmm

OP, sounds like you're doing fine. Stay cool, let him know he can like whoever he likes, all good. I like the 'now let's do something fun' to move the conversation along to avoid it becoming A Big Deal

Soubriquet · 06/07/2020 15:20

Why are people so shocked that a 10 year old could be gay?

Would you be shocked if a 10 year boy had a crush on a 10 year old girl? Or is that ok because it’s conventional

Newchapter2020 · 06/07/2020 15:20

Hmm 10 does seem very young to know for sure. However, I remember being 10 and I was absolutely crazily smitten for boys at that age. Definitely didn't feel the same way about girls.

YoTeQuieroInfinito · 06/07/2020 15:26

Why are people so shocked that a 10 year old could be gay?

Would you be shocked if a 10 year boy had a crush on a 10 year old girl? Or is that ok because it’s conventional

I'm not sure, it actually seems like a lot of people would be shocked either way.

Maybe it's younger than some people, but I don't think it's anything particularly strange. I had crushes when I was 10. I knew I liked some boys in a way I didn't like any girls. Maybe I didn't know about being straight vs gay at that point, but maybe if I'd been gay I would have.

Mangofandangoo · 06/07/2020 15:31

You should take it as a compliment of your parenting that he felt able to talk to you about it OP

oldstripeyNEWname1 · 06/07/2020 15:32

I think it's really important to do everything in an age appropriate way.

Relatable experience helping my kids through some health crises, with professional guidance. One of the things that was really useful (and kids love) is going through a collection of photos of you & key people in your life (parents etc) growing up. Talking through how your appearance changed as your life choices did but key things stayed the same:

You tried lots of things and hobbies. Some you loved and kept doing, and they are really part of who you are

Some things you didn't enjoy, didn't carry on

Some things you thought you did at that time but actually you were unhappy

All those experiences made you who you are, all those different sides to you. Some are 'you' through and through from the start, some are just for a while. Same with friends. Some you will have all your life, some will be your best friend but just for a while.

Your parents/key people were always there for you, no matter what

And reflect it all up like an adventure. Wonder what you'll be like at 16...if you'll still like . Do you think your hair will be...? Whatever, I love you. Teatime, let's go...

Hth

SleepingStandingUp · 06/07/2020 15:37

I met him at around 8 i think. He played with the girls, hated sport, was extremely girly and even spoke with that effeminate gay voice.
Wow.

Newchapter2020 so should you have been told that you might actually be gay?

oldstripeyNEWname1 · 06/07/2020 15:41

That sounds a bit flippant, like sexuality is lifestyle choice. Not what I meant. I mean that it's opening a source of conversation about 'how did you know you were in love?' and a general discussion that's its a safe space to ask questions, explore. Many kids feel their parents preteen/teenage years is a Foreign Country and they missed out anything possibly considered cool. Having that space for you to say' as a 12 year old the guy in front of me in maths made me feel actually sick and like I couldn't talk' gives him the space to say, well I'm not sure I feel that. But I don't feel anything when the other boys talk about girls - or whatever. And you can look back at photos and say - you had a massive row that day about walking the dog, but then had a great night at Auntie Jane's wedding or whatever, and you knew your family loved you.)

Waffling now... Sorry

UsernameNotValid · 06/07/2020 15:50

My DS told everyone at school he was gay when he was 10 - we let him lead the conversation, reassured him that it made no difference to us or anyone else and let him know that it was fine but not to be too concerned about pigeon holing himself at such a young age.

He's 14 now and has gone from gay to straight to now being bi-curious.

I think it's all part of puberty tbh, I've never "known" that I'm straight.

YoTeQuieroInfinito · 06/07/2020 15:52

I think it's all part of puberty tbh, I've never "known" that I'm straight

What does that mean? I'm straight and I know I'm straight.

QueenBlueberries · 06/07/2020 15:54

You could just be honest with him. Say that it's very young to be absolutely sure he's gay, that he may just be questioning his sexual orientation and that's it's fine, loads of children and teenagers do think about their sexual orientation at some point.

You can also discuss the fact that some boys don't 'tick all the boxes' of 'being a boy'. That some boys are not into sports, are very sensitive, and that doesn't mean he's less of a boy because of his personal characteristics.

I have two DSs, one who thinks he might be gay or bisexual, and he wasn't the 'fitting in' type at primary school. I think that generally in primary school, a girl has to fit in all the girl criteria and the boys have to be boisterous, loud, tough, and if they are not then they get a bit confused about how they fit in.

Bullying isn't what it used to be, especially in secondary schools. A lot of the teaching and environment is about respect of people who are different.