10 year old ds has just come out

[trevthecat]

just that really. where do i go from here? he told me yesterday and i just said it wasnt an issue and it didnt change anything. i spoke to his teacher today just for some advice, she couldnt help much other than just to keep communication open which i will and is finding me some on-line resources. im worried though, he is 10. can he know this already? what information can i give him? i worried about bullying but don't want to tell him to keep quiet (and make it an issue) but i need him to know some people wont be understanding. he is already a bit of a target, a bit geeky, wears glasses, is socially a bit awkward, clumsy, not into sport etc so this may fuel it further. i guess what im asking is, how can i make this as open and easy for him whilst protecting him from anything too nasty whilst he is so young? and how convinced should i be that he is actually gay? ive always thought he could be. although i dont really know why! thanks

I really worry about gay/straight etc as when I was 10 (many many years ago), I wanted to be a boy. This was because all of my close relatives were boys and I fitted well with them.

It was only when I was in my teens that attraction came into it and I realised I preferred boys but I am not a girly girl.

Looking back I was often called a Tom boy but it didn’t matter then I didn’t have to tick a box and stay within those parameters.

Remember he is 10 be open to what he thinks and feels. For now he can just be himself.

By 8-9 most will know some baby making basics.
Even by 12-13 it’s rare that they know lust in your loins attraction.
I’d not put much value on what a 10 yr old tells me about being gay.
All the 10 yr old boys I know are into same sex sports, playing LEGO or computer games with same sex friends. Doubt any are gay. Unless you mean happy.

Keep communication open between the two of you and be supportive. At this age I would go along with what he says but just keep an open mind and not use labels. At 10 I think it's normal to know about sexualities but it's not until puberty that you start getting sexual attractions and really understanding what it means to fancy someone, that it's someone you would like to have sex with. So it all could change in the future.

@YoTeQuieroInfinito that's good for you I guess if you're bothered :)

Personally, I see sexuality as a concept rather than a tangible thing so I've never really thought about having to label it for myself. Certainly not when I was 10.

Now though, there's so much emphasis on being X, Y, Z rather than just going with your instincts and what makes you happy. I'd hate to be a kid now which is why I think it's important to support them but reassure them that it's "normal" to change your mind/feelings particularly when hormones are raging!

@trevthecat my DD knew at that age. She's now in her 20s and still a lesbian!
We just kept things light as kids still need their privacy but made sure she knew it wasn't a big deal for us.
I also made sure we bought books for her with gay characters or watched films with some diversity when she was older. I'd mention to her lesbians in the public eye when appropriate eg when Mary Portas had another child, so that she knew that there were loads of gay people out there just getting on with life.
He's lucky to have such a thoughtful mum .

Please don't warn him about others making fun of him. He's 10 years old and will be extremely aware of this. You can just say thank you so much for telling me. Whether he is or not is hard to say, either he is or he is just exploring the idea which is great. This means that hopefully he is confident and will know by the time he needs to.

that's good for you I guess if you're bothered

What do you mean "bothered"? You implied that a person can't know for sure if they're gay or straight. When obviously many can.

Personally, I see sexuality as a concept rather than a tangible thing

that's good for you I guess if you're bothered

@YoTeQuieroInfinito that's fine, if that's your interpretation of what I said.

Not the intention at all but people see what they want. Not quite sure what the deal is with sarcy responses to personal opinions but again, feel free to read into it as you wish :)

Thanks all, I've just read through all the comments. I love the idea of watching TV with strong LGBT characters. Like I've said before we are a very open household. I don't have any issues with anyone's sexuality and this has often been said in conversation in the past so I think he knew he could come to me. I'll just keep doors open to him wanting to talk

@UsernameNotValid I wasn't being sarcy. I guess people see what they want. Feel free to read into it as you wish

I don't think 10 is too young to know. I knew a few years before 10 that I was attracted to women without knowing anything about sex. You sound like a lovely supportive parent, he's lucky to have you.

@Sleepingboy

My 9.5 year old doesn't even know about sexuality. What on earth has he been seeing or hearing?!

Don't be absurd. If your child has gotten to 9 and a half and has no idea that women can love women etc then you're doing them a disservice as a parent.

Why are we questioning if a ten year old knows he's 'actually' gay but wouldn't be if he was straight?

OP coming out must have been a big deal to him and it's great he felt safe enough to come to you. Just carry on as you were and be supportive as and when he needs it.

I've made a point of never assuming the sex of my child's future partner in conversation, if that makes sense? Eg "when you're older, and if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, you might... etc etc". I've done this for a while partly because my eldest has always been pretty gender non conforming and partly because I was really affected by speaking to a couple of my (gay) friends where they spoke of their parents' disappointment. Even though their parental relationship was mended, it seemed so sad and about as logical as being disappointed in somebody's hair colour. I can't always control the homophobia in wider society, but I can make sure that I don't even subtly imply that I mind whether my child is gay or straight.

I don’t understand why some people are ‘odd’ about gay people knowing they’re gay, you get very young children talking about having a wife/husband, having ‘girlfriends’ and ‘boyfriends’ etc, it isn’t any different for gay people.

I knew I was gay from a young age (well I didn’t know the word related to me was gay, as I only knew that word as an insult). I used to ‘know’ I would marry a certain boy in our village (Hi Nadu!), then when I was 7/8 I met the love of my life, Aladdin.

Hmm TV shows, there is going to be a series based on Love Simon but I’m not sure what age it will be aimed at, theres Stephen Universe (cartoon), The Loud House (cartoon) is good, my son likes that one. Lots of shows are aimed at mid teens and over probably the most family friendly series I can think of is Schitts Creek, we’re on season three and there hasn’t been anything so far I would be worried about a ten year old watching.

There are some good real life role models, as a parent a friends documentary Olly Alexander Growing Up Gay is a good watch. But theres Keegan Hirst, my rugby club Kings Cross Steelers (and a few others if he likes sport, its good to show that sport can be inclusive), Dr Ranj, Jaqueline Wilson etc. Thankfully now a celebrity/character who is gay is no longer presented as some awful caricature as they were a few years ago.

My 11 yr old DD knows about sexuality. We talk about it openly and she has lesbian friends at school. It's all normal to her

All you need to do is model good healthy loving behaviour, to him, to your dp. Tell him you love him. Encourage him to be happy in his own self. Talk to him in age appropriate terms. Show him fantastic role models. No one has the finite textbook on bringing up kids and discussing sex, just be as appropriately honest as you can. X

@stillathing this all over. In an ideal world he would of one day just brought someone home for us to meet, male or female and it would of been just normal. Now our house is like that but he knows society isn't.

@simontj thanks loads to go off there. I think I already knew it was coming! I just want it to be normal and not an issue. But I also want to be prepared for others thinking it is an issue. It's strange, people being gay doesn't bother me but now it's in my house I'm so aware of how it could go wrong. Very ignorant of me I think. I've never looked at how it can be so hard for people in the LGBT community

@ohwhatfuckery I've always tried to be age appropriately honest. Even if it makes me uncomfortable 😂 oh parenting is mental

@GreyishDays

Tried to quote *@Sleepingboy* there but it didn’t work.

He doesn't know because hes never asked. My dd knew about sex at that age as she asked. My ds has never asked and we dont know any gay people so it has never come up in conversation,. If he asked, I'd tell him no problem. It just isn't even on his radar. He thinks dogs and cats get married! I'll tell him in the next year if he doesn't ask, but hes too busy playing playing football.

Completely agree my son is gay and so are almost all my friends they all knew from a young age, gug was a brilliant documentary i got my 10 yr old son watching it

@Lottapianos

'there was a boy who everyone just knew would be gay later in life. I met him at around 8 i think. He played with the girls, hated sport, was extremely girly and even spoke with that effeminate gay voice.'

Dear lord. Stereotypes much? You didn't 'know' that child was gay Bigus, that's really not how it works

OP, sounds like you're doing fine. Stay cool, let him know he can like whoever he likes, all good. I like the 'now let's do something fun' to move the conversation along to avoid it becoming A Big Deal

I'm not stereotyping. I'm talking about one boy and everything I say is facts about that one boy. He, as a 48 year old adult now would absolutely agree with me. 🙄

No Bigus, it's not just one boy- you looked at that child and his interests and the pitch of his voice (!) and made assumptions about something you couldn't possibly have known based on stereotypes about gay boys and men. My nephew loves cars, trains, rough play and rampaging around all day, does that tell me that hes straight?

10 year olds can decide or know that they're gay, or straight. I had raging crushes on people off the telly or whatever by that age

@Sleepingboy says he knows people get married, he doesn't even know about sex yet.

At 9.5 I think he probably does. Do you want him to learn about sex from the playground or from you???