Failure stories

[BipBippadotta]

I'm far past the point where I'm interested in fertility success stories. Tales of lucky couples who triumphed over impossible biological odds to have their miracle baby make me want to self-immolate. Help me feel less alone in my utter irreversible barrenness by telling me about all the fertility treatments, supplements, folk remedies, voodoo, etc you've tried, that work for every other fucker on the Internet, but did bugger all for you.

I'll start!

Things that didn't work for us:
Grapefruit juice
Guaifeneisin
COQ10
Acupuncture
Vitamin E
Royal jelly
Wheatgrass
Pycnogenol
Low carbing
Inositol & melatonin
Cutting caffeine and alcohol
L-Arginine
Baby aspirin
Maca
B6
Starflower oil
Soy isoflavones
Clomid for DH (to increase sperm count)
Clomid for me
Clomid & injectables
High doses of antibiotics
Prednisone
IVF with ICSI

How about the round of IVF that got cancelled after my ovaries completely ignored the maximum dose of stims? Which, as it happens, was also the time when I'd altered my all-cake diet from (unsuccessful, but fairly textbook) IVF #1 in favour of a high-protein, low carb fertility diet, got my weight down to an ideal BMI, and taken every supplement going. Pay.

*Pah

Oh gawd. The minute you start taking the process seriously the odds just pile up against you quicker, it seems. I had 11 eggs - not bad for a haggard old crone of 38, as I was then - but only 2 fertilised. Now we all know it only takes one! But for me it definitely at least takes more than 2. Possibly several billions more.

I have a similar list.

Grapefruit juice
Cough syrup
Inositol
Vitamin c
Vitamin e
Vitamin d
Evening primrose oil
Co-enzyme Q10
Vit B12
Combined B vitamins
Pre-seed
Reflexology
Low sugar diet
Sex every day
Sex every other day
1 round of IVF - 0 fertilisation
1 round of ICSI - less than 30% fertilisation (but fortunately the other round of ICSI did work, even with crap fertilisation)

Infertility is fucking bitch.

Chronic thin lining problems which were the likely reason for my miscarriage of what post ERPC tissue testing showed to be a healthy baby

(currently in a dummy FET which is failing miserably as lining is failing to respond. NO SHIT)

Stuff I've tried:
Vitamin E
l-arginine
Baby aspirin
Vaginal viagra
Pomegranate juice
Red raspberry leaf tea
Omega 3
Selenium
Acupuncture
Reflexology
Mayan abdominal massage (aka magic tummy rub)

Currently failing on progynova and just switched to Everol patches

Which I expect not to work either!

First two cycles I took all the vitamins, ate high protein, did all the green juices, meditation etc

24 eggs across both cycles. Got 5 blasts / only one of which was chromosomally normal (and which I miscarried). 4 frosties were PGS tested and all duds

This third round I had the shittiest lifestyle in the run up imaginable. I wasn't expecting to be able to cycle so soon after my miscarriage, and as I had retained products and was technically miscarrying for 2 months I figured I was allowed to eat chocolate digestives for every meal

Went out on the lash with mates and got absolutely shedded beyond all belief, not knowing I was going to start stims 5 days later

Ended up with 6 euploid blasts and best egg quality ever. Now chances of any of them turning into a baby are limited given the uncooperative nature of my toxic uterus, which has already killed one healthy baby.

But my takeout was definitely fuck green juices and all that shit.

I had Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome and had to spend 6 days in hospital on a drip wearing anti-thrombosis stockings with massive bruises on my thighs from the blood-thinning injections. It was the first case of HSS that my IFV doctor had ever had - I felt so special. DH said it was my fault (somehow got the wrong end of the stick about not drinking enough fluids being the cause of it rather than the massive doses of hormones). That was the round that I gave up caffeine for, I really, really missed having caffeine.

I do have two gorgeous children by adoption now, so it worked out in the end.

This is a perfect idea for a thread Bip. I used to really enjoy these 'against all odds' success stories, they'd give fuel to my fight, but as lovely as they are, they do give an unrealistic expectation and false hope. Understandably there seems to be plenty of these stories around on the web, it's a success that people want to shout about, but it's biased because you never hear from the others (and I've googled a lot!). I too would really like to hear the stories of those who had the odds stacked against them and had to find a different path forward. This is my reality and it's these ladies (and their partners) that I aspire to now.

OK I think this is going to be cathartic...

Shagging. Strangely didn't work...
Royal Jelly and bee propolis
Maca
Dhea
L'arginine
Inositol
Ubiquinol
Vitamin D
Melatonin
Wheatgrass and Spirulina algae shots
Caster oil tummy pack (at the right time of the month)
Yoga
Low sugar
High protein (incl. putting pea protein in my porridge....yum)
Sex every day
Sex every other day
Sex 'exactly' 2-3 times per week as per most chance of success statistically
Bum on a pillow and legs in the air after sex
Conceive Plus fertility lubricant
Acupuncture
Daily 5am exercise (to get blood flowing to my ovaries and 'lower' my FSH. ha ha ha)
No booze
Too much booze (for the ironic BFP)
'Hiding' my ovaries from the microwave when it's on.

Looking at my tupperware suspiciously and being frightened of nail polish and perfume (thanks 'It starts with the Egg' and the internet).

HSG (no surprise BFP following flushing out of the tubes...shocker)

Laparoscopy (lady in next bed to me was in for sterilisation as she got pregnant AFTER her DH's vasectomy. I have never felt so barren).

Clomid (6 months)
IUI (once, converted from poor response to IVF drugs)
IVF (twice)
IVF with ICSI and AOA (3 times)

Flying to multiple foreign lands to have more doctors look at my foof and shake their heads sadly.

Injecting myself in the tummy in airport loos feeling like a character in Trainspotting.

Self-medicating with left over progesterone on a natural cycle.

Sending my period to Greece.

Using a Persona natural contraception kit as an alternative to ovulation pee sticks (for a bit of variety, who doesn't love peeing on sticks??)- quite enjoyed being a rebel and having sex on the 'danger' days.

Hysteroscopy (this coming Wednesday yikes)

Just asked DH what he considered the craziest thing we'd done in our TTC efforts. A short pause as he looked me in the eye and raised an eyebrow, "Tens of thousands of pounds?" LOL. Oh yeah, forgot that bit.

'And the prize for the longest post ever goes to...'

Over the last 16 months we have tried

Cycle 1
Postponed due to high TSH-Levothyroxine
IVF 16 eggs but only ended up with 3 embryos to freeze (a day 3 and 2x day 2) couldn't have fresh transfer due to ohss

FET 1- failed
FET 2- with clexane aspirin and prednisone -failed

Decided to start the following
Coq10
Vit b6
Folic acid
Vit d
Vit c
Zinc
Iron
Inositol

Dh has been taking
Well man conception
Coq10
Dha supplement
Vit c and zinc

No alcohol for dh for four months now and in the last month a reduction from 4 coffee a day to 1, occasionally 2
I've not worn make up or used nail polish in months so I literally look as shit as I feel

Not sure when next cycle will be but I have no idea if any of this will work. I have reflexology twice a week which is lovely and relaxing.
Acupuncture wasn't for me I found it painful

I walk every day to help blood flow (and to keep my mind busy as I'm close to losing it!)

I eat too much cake and chocolate though, I'm sure if the next cycle fails I will give that up too 'just in case'

Oh yes, how could I have forgot DHEA! Which caused half my hair to fall out and turned me into a gurning, greasy, rageful speed freak, picking fights with people and then bursting into unstoppable tears. I began to worry that I would be stuck like that forever, and end up having a baby (because I could not find one single story on the internet of anyone who'd taken DHEA and hadn't miraculously conceived after 3 months), and be a monstrously unfit parent and have my offspring taken into care.

Buying Clomid (or should I say clomiphene, with the brand name 'Furtile' - just one letter away from 'futile', aptly enough) from a Russian pharmacy on the internet, as my GP found me insufficiently barren to prescribe it, and said to me beamingly, 'why don't you just relax and enjoy yourselves?'

Making DH jizz into a pot and then hoovering it up with a sterile syringe and injecting it into my foof (legs in the air, etc), when it's peak sex time and we're too tired / depressed for a shag. Those were beautiful times in our marriage.

Wooty I am crying with laughter at the fear of tupperware and nail polish and microwaves. I also stopped touching anything made of plastic for many months, until life became a bit unmanageable (trying to drink from one of those wide-mouthed Kleen Kanteens while on a treadmill at the gym was a particular low point).

My DH points out that he hasn't had a bath in 3 years. He's also constantly forgetting his phone as he can never put it in his trouser pocket.

Oh I've enjoyed reading this thread! I have often wondered about the people who it doesn't work out for, you never hear their stories. This is going to be cathartic....
What hasn't worked:
Putting my life on hold for 6 years
Not getting married
Having sex
Timing sex
Not tell OH why we are having sex
Balance Activ lubricant
B6
Cq10
fish oil supplements
Not drinking ever
Acupuncture
Pineapple
Brazil nuts
Eggs
Ivf x 1 - 1 (!) egg collected, but it did fertilise and go back in.
ICSI x 1 - 2 (!) eggs collected, one went back in and tried to hold on for a while.

The best parts have been going to a wedding and injecting in the toilets, trying to pretend I was drinking etc then leaving early to do timed trigger shot. That was shitty. And then 6 months later going on holiday having been told I may be having an ectopic pg ("if you have any pain go to hospital" ringing in my ears)... luckily it wasn't, which I'm very grateful for but still ruined my holiday. At least I miscarried when I got home.

It's nice to know others have been through the same shit. Not sure when I'll draw a line under it but I can't do this forever.

Elbbob I too went on holiday with a suspected ectopic pregnancy! I spent the first few days never daring to leave the vicinity of a hospital, alert to every stomach rumble or bit of trapped wind in case it was a sign my tubes were exploding. Thankfully I miscarried after about a week. The things you feel thankful for...

Just one letter away from futile - wetting myself Bip . I don't know how you managed to refrain from punching that Doctor in the face though. I've mentally done it a few times on your behalf.

That's interesting about the DHEA, I get these mood swings a lot too but just thought infertility had turned me into an unhinged bitch. Hmmm...

I also did the self insemination thing . Unplanned though. I thought we'd give DH some non-TTC sexy fun one day but when I (sorry tmi) saw it all sitting there on his belly afterwords I just couldn't help myself. I scooped it up as best I could in one of my lubricant applicators and injected it in my lady parts as my poor DH looked on bemused. I don't even consider this a low point for me.

I'm an absolute militant when it comes to baths and laptops and phones too. DH wouldn't stop having baths though because he loves them so much. For a while I made him use a kids bath temperature monitor but he rebelled. Now he has a shallow bath and if I pop my head round the door he proudly eye points to his nethers sitting above water level.

Oh god I recognise so many of these. I'll add...

Doing an 8 week mindfulness course and telling DH that we would be trying silent mindful sex. DH is and then says 'if you're being silent and mindful, can I think about Gwyneth Paltrow?'

Trying feng shui for fertility. I now have a hole in my belly button, a very awkwardly arranged bedroom, and still no bloody BFP.

The brilliant image of Wooty's DH in the bath has made my day.

Robberbride what's with the belly button hole? That's a trick I haven't come across yet!

Today marks my official failure to get pregnant in time to have a baby before I'm 40. Yay.

Also means I can add an endometrial scratch and 'timed intercourse' (what a lovely term - makes it sound like a race) with injectables & a trigger shot, to my list of things that haven't worked. It was the first time in my life I'd ovulated before day 18, and DH's sperm count had doubled after antibiotic treatment, and I had 3-4 mature follicles at the time of the trigger shot (ultrasound lady was concerned about higher order multiples. Oh how I laughed), and still nothing.

Glitter shit and un mumsnetty hugs Bip

Timed intercourse is such a lovely term isn't it? We were told +12 and +36h post trigger - as that would have been 4am that totally wasn't happening. Especially as we were told the chances of conceiving were next to none as my lining was too thin to be able to support a pregnancy, so the timed shag was a 'there isn't a chance in hell this is going to succeed so let's just get this over with so we can say we give it a go'

Robber bride - I'm also intrigued about the belly hole?!

Yeah, everyone seems to get wildly differing advice about when to get jiggy after a trigger shot. It's a totally imprecise science, dressed up as something very precise. We were told to do it once, 'between 40 and 42 hours' after trigger. I couldn't quite bring myself to travel to DH's office for a quickie in a toilet cubicle halfway through his weekly team meeting, so we just had our customary week of daily shags and hoped for the best.

Ooh what a good thread - Wooty 'Sending my period to Greece' has really tickled me (like sending someone to Coventry in an Enid Blyton novel )

Here's mine:
Sex every other day
Sex every two days
Temp charting
Ovulation piss sticks
Pre seed lube
Legs in air after sex (bicycling legs optional)
Acupuncture
Meditation
Fucking fertility crystals (friend bought me a charm bracelet so not 100% responsible for that one)
'Just relaxing'
Laparoscopy and dye test
Selenium
Prednisolone
Pineapple core
Grapefruit juice
No caffeine
No booze
No sugar
A billion different conception vitamins for both me and DH
DH has bought baggy boxers instead of tight pants, avoided hot baths etc
Brazil nuts (like eating wood shavings)
That fucking Zita West book
4 x rounds of icsi

FUN TIMES!

To be fair, I did have the hole before. Aged 18, I got my belly button pierced. Even though I haven't flaunted my stomach (apart from on holiday) since I was 23, I was quite attached to it as a reminder of yoof. Anyway, googling one night, I found this rockyourhormones.com/belly-button-rings-and-fertility/ and even though it is clearly bollocks, I immediately took out my piercing. It has healed up with a sodding hole.

Is anyone else half laughing and half taking notes of random shit they haven't yet tried?!

And yes to turkey basting. I'll never look at Muller Lights in the same way again.

OK I have a belly piercing and obvs I need to try this now

I didn't send my period to Greece but I did peg it across central London with 5 vials of my (non period) blood in my handbag, to then package it up in Mailboxes Etc to the horror of the guy at the counter - before then handing him the package to get it shipped overnight to Athens.

I'm currently shoving tampons applicators of viagra gel up my foof, that I bought off the Internet from some dude in Malaysia (that Penny @ Serum commissioned to produce vaginal viagra)

Obviously I haven't told my Dr about this

Was debating pretending to be a middle aged man with erectile dysfunction to get some viagra pills from those online Dr services where you can get legit private prescriptions for certain medication. And shoving a tablet up there too.

Nothing like a bit of self medication...

Fucking Zita West indeed!

Robber sorry to hear about your belly hole, but also relieved it wasn't a deliberate fertility woo-puncture, to let the sun shine closer to your ovaries or some bollocks. You honestly never know.

Oh - forgot to add to my list: getting a USB microscope from Maplins and monitoring DH's sperm over the course of several months to see if it was getting any better. Sometimes there were lots of lively sperm; sometimes all the sperm were dead; sometimes they were all clumped together; sometimes they were swimming in circles. Absolutely no rhyme or reason behind the variation. We recorded videos, and I have a little archive in a folder on my laptop. There's one video of a really good batch, from Feb 2015, that I re-watch now and again to self-soothe.

Ah, this thread feels very familiar, been there done that, got the t-shirt. Not bloody well pregnant though! My list is pretty similar. Had a good chuckle reading through, although I'm so very sorry and sad that there is so much hope, and then loss, behind it all.

Bip loving the sperm diaries. Funny and sad in equal measure, like most of this fertility bullshit.

I spent £££ on a Mayan fertility massage. It was very relaxing. Didn't do anything. The therapist also gave me a bag of herbs to be used for....wait for it.... steaming my vagina! I can't technically add that to my list because I haven't tried it. I just can't wave goodbye to that last shred of dignity! It turns out that there is a limit to my desperation! I was working in a hospital at the time, and she even suggested I could borrow a commode from them for the purpose. The mind boggles!

I signed up for a trial of 'The Stork' aka a turkey baster thing that costs £100 a go. I have three of them in the draw under my bed, just getting the first one out of the packet was enough to put us both off using it.

DH did a bit of Internet research, and now gives his nuts a blast under the cold shower every morning. I suspect it is entirely unnecessary but he seemed proud of his contribution, and the mean part of me thinks it doesn't hurt for him to suffer a little bit when I'm being prodded and poked all the time!

I also took out my belly button piercing, after being told by an acupuncturist that it had a negative effect on fertility. I have a sad little hole there, along with a small scar from my laparoscopy. Used to love my tummy, it's not perfectly flat but it was a sexy part of my body and now it looks sad.