Failure stories

[BipBippadotta]

I'm far past the point where I'm interested in fertility success stories. Tales of lucky couples who triumphed over impossible biological odds to have their miracle baby make me want to self-immolate. Help me feel less alone in my utter irreversible barrenness by telling me about all the fertility treatments, supplements, folk remedies, voodoo, etc you've tried, that work for every other fucker on the Internet, but did bugger all for you.

I'll start!

Things that didn't work for us:
Grapefruit juice
Guaifeneisin
COQ10
Acupuncture
Vitamin E
Royal jelly
Wheatgrass
Pycnogenol
Low carbing
Inositol & melatonin
Cutting caffeine and alcohol
L-Arginine
Baby aspirin
Maca
B6
Starflower oil
Soy isoflavones
Clomid for DH (to increase sperm count)
Clomid for me
Clomid & injectables
High doses of antibiotics
Prednisone
IVF with ICSI

Oh tiger. I wish I could somehow say something to make things better. I'm glad you've survived the week.
In terms of cycles I suspect it'll be at least April - if surgery is in Feb. And actually that's ok becuase the new care will then be open and we can decide where to go. I thought I'd be desperate to try again sooner but actually my body and mind need a break. At work this weekend so that's always a good distraction!

peaop and tiger I took myself off Facebook many moons ago. Still have Instagram, snapchat etc. but Facebook? No thanks. I don't need to be seeing pictures of newborns and pregnancy announcements!

Gosh bean what is it that you do that means you're working at the weekend? At least it's a nice distraction! (You don't have to answer that by the way :) )

I am waiting for my next period and on Day 2 I take start taking the pill and kick off long protocol. We are off to Dubai a few days before Christmas so I will be going to the clinic's pharmacy to stock-up on all the things I need.

We've had some frustrating news in regards to suing the hospital. Whilst our lawyers say there was obviously severe inadequacies in the care I received during my pregnancy resulting in the premature death of my son... current compensation payouts average £13,000... that just about covers our IVF costs for the year but add in lawyers fees and we no longer break-even. I'm sad, furious, angry, bitter. Still don't understand why this has happened to me and why I am on this 'path'.

Otherwise, I've continued to live my life like a normal 28 year old. While DH works and sleeps all the time, I've been going out with new and old friends, waking up with horrendous hangovers and creating happy memories. It's been such a nice distraction from trying to get pregnant but as it inches closer to my son's due date in two weeks I get a bit wobbly.

All the hugs tiger - hope the yoga classes are suitably restorative. I'm a tooth grinder (I'm an alluring bedfellow with my bite guard) and know when I'm stressed I clench during the day too, and get an almighty headache. Nothing useful to offer except sympathy!


bean glad you have a plan - great news to have your consultant able to see you on both the NHS for the lap and at the new clinic for the IVF


peaop FB ads can fuck off. Actually all targeting algorithms can fuck off. Currently chasing me round the Internet are ads for some fertility acupuncture clinic telling me that most IVF cycles fail - and maybe the reason why is not doing acupuncture. Fuck off. I have ad block on my laptop but they're fucking everywhere on my mobile. Need to start browsing everything in incognito mode like some illicit Internet pervert. Except the infertility FB groups I'm on would still mark me out as barren. Gah



Again hangovers and trip to the sun sounds like the ideal medicine. I'm so sorry about the legal wrangles with the hospital - if it wasn't adding insult to injury with everything you've been through. Can only imagine how you must be feeling as your due date approaches - really hope you and DH can be kind to yourselves.

I'm currently exhausted from work and general malaise, ovaries are busy being oestrogen factories to try and grow my lining. Low dose stims appear to have done the trick, as I have 6 mature follicles that have grown my lining to a stonking 8.5mm. It's really depressing seeing a fuck off metal bar in my uterus when we scan me, as the copper coil shines out like a beacon, but at least this time there was some lining to measure around it. Bloody ridiculous to be triggering 6 eggs to just and float off down my tubes and can't even try naturally (setting aside risk of multiples) because I'm on frigging contraception. Triggered last night so ovaries should go pop tomorrow, which means period is due around Xmas day. Would love a Xmas bleed but realistically why break the routine of a juicy lining doing a vanishing act and getting anything other than spotting. DH and I are avoiding Xmas entirely, we just can't be fucked with it all. We're staying at home just the two of us, can't be arsed to do a Xmas dinner and pretend to be jolly so we're just going to stuff ourselves stupid with cheese and watch crap telly, then I'm going into work on the 27th.

Have a xmas present of a Gonal-F pen in the fridge ready to start stabbing on day 4 of my next cycle, to go round again for another ovulation induction cycle - obvs not to try to do anything as crazy as to try to get me pregnant, but to try and get me to menstruate. Shall round off 2016 with a scan on the 30th to check I don't have any cysts before I start stims again. Whilst still on contraception. FML.

Same here banana. No Christmas tree, we're not giving presents, we're buggering off out of London to avoid friends and family, just the two of us. I did put a wreath on the door though so the neighbours don't think I'm a grinch.

Status update : I can only confirm that 6 follicles simultaneously rupturing is really rather uncomfortable. My ovaries are like beach balls and I look like a space hopper. Presumably because the follicles haven't been aspirated (as they would be at egg collection) and instead the fluid has exploded into my abdomen as they all ovulated. Feels like I've been kicked in the stomach. These 6 bastards owe me a frigging period!!

Ouch banana, that sounds very uncomfortable (understatement). I hope that it yields a period for you. You can't say that you haven't tried! I used to be a teeth grinder (complete with guard) but haven't done it for years. Have had a headache for days now.

again, that sounds so frustrating. How can they place that sort of value on a priceless life?! I'm not surprised you're angry and bitter. Glad you're managing to get out and enjoy yourself in spite of everything. I miss London in that respect - so easy to throw yourself into socialising and busy-ness. I moved out of London, and I miss mid-week nights out and my friends. It's much more child focused here, which just rubs it all in a bit more.

For Christmas I would just like a negative pregnancy test. How fucking ironic is that?!

For some reason, we're actually doing Christmas with more effort than we usually would. We've got friends back from abroad staying with us at various points and a packed calendar of catch ups, so we're pressing on with the Christmas we would have had if I was still pregnant. We've got a tree, and decorated the house. Dh has even bought me some presents, so I know he is trying really hard cheer me up. He gave me a Christmas card yesterday, and what he had written made me cry. He's not a soppy love note kind of bloke, but he'd written a long message, and the love, and the faith he has in us to get through this, made me feel that there was a glimmer of hope for the first time in two weeks.

Thinking of you tiger - hope you're all hanging in there, this is such a shitty time of year when you're barren, I can't wait till its all over

Well failure stories has never felt more apt, as it's sadly more bad news from me.

Smear test came back with normal cervical results but abnormal cells in the sample - got hold of the cytology report and it says 'non cervical glandular neoplasia - refer to colposcopy, recommend D&C'

I've got an urgent referral through on the 2ww referral pathway. This year has just been a series of 2ww. I've been referred to the colposcopy clinic, although I don't know if that will be for an actual colposcopy as my cervix itself was normal. From what I can tell, in other CCGs the pathway is to refer to gynae cancer clinic via the colposcopy coordinator. On Tuesday I got a call inviting me to an appt (with no explanation about the results - just told I HD normal cervix but some abnormal cells that were from elsewhere) - appt was on Thu, however I was out of the country with work and no way I could get back with less than 48h notice. Colposcopy coordinator said they would try and see me asap but they have no clinic slots, and they need to see if the clinicians will put on an extra clinic to see the patients like me on the urgent referral list (obvs Xmas doesn't help)

My lovely consultant told me to send through the cytology results when I got them and bless him he responded to my email within 2h. On a Saturday. He said it's hopefully nothing sinister as I have had 2 normal endometrial biopsies, but glandular neoplasia needed to be investigated and I I should have the colposcopy if it's offered before I see him next. Dr Google threw up guidance from Camden CCG which said only 40 women a year get diagnosed with non cervical glandular neoplasia in London - nothing like being on the shit side of statistics. Said 70% of these were cancerous.

I'm seeing him on 30th Dec anyway, so as BUPA covers non fertility gynae and cancer, will discuss referral to a colleague who specialises in gynaecological oncology, who can liaise directly with him regarding anything to do with my endometrium.

Given I've had intrauterine adhesions removed, there's no way I'm letting any NHS reg do a D&C blind. The clinic won't know I've had one D&C, two hysteroscopies and two endometrial biopsies in the last 9 months. Christ knows what they'll make of all the treatment and interventions I've had.

Here was I hoping for a menstrual bleed for Xmas (period due around Xmas eve). Now it turns out I'd really quite like not to have pre cancerous cells.

If it was pre cancerous cells of the cervix that could be relatively easily treated with a LLETZ or similar. Unfortunately as this indicates suspected abnormal cells from the endometrium, ovaries or metastatic lesions from a non gynaecological site, I don't think there's much in between 'watch and wait' and 'hysterectomy'

If it weren't for the normal endometrial biopsies I've had this year as my glimmer of hope, I'd be losing my mind.

Was having a lurk and saw your post, Banana. What a shock for you, especially after everything else you've been through. How are you doing this morning?

Banana my heart breaks at all that you're going through. Words feel so inadequate but I'm thinking of you

Hysterectomy??!!

Well Banana this really is the cherry on top of a shit year for you. Please keep us updated with what comes next. I'll be thinking of you

I've had CIN III on my cervix (the last stage before full-blown cervical cancer and a bit of a shock as I had a smear done on the NHS just 18 months before which came back normal, the abnormal smear was picked up at my private GP) which was 'fixed' with a LLETZ. I had that done privately and would highly recommend that route rather than NHS. I don't think I got much back from BUPA though...

Again mine isn't cervical - so LLETZ wouldn't be appropriate. It's not CIN or even cGIN - basically it's not suspected cervical pre cancerous cells. The cervical smear picked up abnormal cells in the sample but these are non cervical cells. The cervix itself is completely normal.

The abnormal cells are from elsewhere. So the question is whether the abnormal cells are due to the endometrium looking wonky because of all the stuff we've been doing to it. Or if the abnormal cells are pre cancerous from the endometrium. Or ovaries. Or elsewhere that has metastasised

I'm clinging on to the fact that it seems unlikely that two endometrial biopsies would have missed pre cancerous cells in the endometrium

And hoping the abnormal cells just look weird because of all the treatment I've been having. IUD, tamoxifen, HRT, Neupogen wash, etc etc

But if it is pre cancerous, then the treatment presumably has to be more aggressive. With the cervix LLETZ can laser off the abnormal bits

There isn't an easy equivalent for endometrial or ovarian cancer (or pre cancer)

I desperately hope I am not in the 70% of women who get this result who have cancer. But I'd be stupid not to entertain the idea

Well, everyone, the day is here - my due date. I had a lurk over on the December antenatal thread I was a part of and so many beautiful healthy living babies are being born every day.

It's just so unfair. My son was so wanted and so loved and he didn't deserve to die. As noted from the autopsy he was perfect, and the hospital made mistakes. He should have lived and been my miracle IVF baby. I'm so angry and sad and sometimes I think I won't ever, ever, get rid of these feelings.

Infertility, failed IVF, AND a dead baby? I mean, you can't make this shit up!!! It's all such a cruel joke.

I take comfort in knowing the worst day of my life is over (the day I gave birth) so anything else coming my way I can handle it. So by that logic, I can and will handle today.

No words Again - it's cruel, unfair and not right. I don't understand the universe. Thinking of you and DH and your much longed for son. Always remembered, always loved.

My heart aches for you again. I'm so so sorry for the loss of your son, and for everything you've been through. Sending strength.

Thinking of you too banana, it's just so unbelieveably shit that you have this worry on top of everything else. I'm really hoping you get some answers soon and that all is ok.

Not much to report here, going through the motions of living. Almost back to not pregnant, nearly three weeks post surgery and only a shadow of a line now. Hoping my cycle will go back to normal quickly.

Thinking of you again. I can't imagine how you must feel xx

Thanks ladies xx

Huge hugs to you again

Again - sorry a few days late, but I hope you're holding up. Be kind to yourself and I hope you can enjoy your holiday despite everything.

Hope everyone survived Christmas. Ours was nice overall apart from the general sadness and one heartbreaking moment on Christmas Eve when DH cried. Have been thinking of all of you.

I seem to be having a period - my ERPC was 4 weeks ago tomorrow and I tested negative a few days back. After over three weeks of no bleeding it started on Christmas Day - thankfully just before we left so I didn't end up caught short at the inlaws. I was surprised by it though! It's fairly heavy and I am feeling fucking grumpy and angry, so it certainly feels like a period. Hopefully my cycle will return to normal without too much delay.

Delurking to send you all best wishes for 2017.

Banana I hope the appointment on the 30th gave you some positive news.

Happy new year to all, I hope 2017 is kinder to those of us still trapped in the barren ghetto

tiger so pleased your cycle is returning to normal - it was torture to see BFPs 6 weeks post ERPC, never thought I'd be so desperate for a BFN

Again thinking of you

robber so sweet of you to think of me

Posted the below on the other thread, apols for c+p

Saw my lovely fertility consultant on Fri. He said a cytology report is pretty rudimentary vs histology reports where we've done curettage and taken endometrial tissue and are looking at directly sampled tissue, so it was very unlikely anything sinister was going on that three histological analyses had missed. I'm at the NHS gynae-oncology clinic on Weds - said I should have the smear repeated and potentially a pipelle biopsy done (and colposcopy if they offer it, although it's unlikely to tell us anything as the smear itself was normal), but we agreed I wouldn't consent to another D&C. He said if they weren't helpful he would refer me to a colleague who specialises in gynae-oncology to liaise accordingly (BUPA definitely covers cancer and general gynae - they paid for my ERPC and both hysteroscopies, so a private follow up is eminently possible, but will see how we get on with the NHS appt first)

Consultant was relatively untroubled by it, although agreed we couldn't just say 'well it's PROBABLY ok, they PROBABLY didn't miss anything'.

NHS Dr is going to get a surprise when I rock up with reports from three operations, three endometrial biopsies and a HyCoSy report. Consultant said I've got one of the most well looked at uteruses in London!!

He was giddy when I told him I'd had a proper period. He practically leapt up out of his chair and actually exclaimed 'that's the best news I've had in ages!'

He got all excited saying if I had a bleed this month we could take the coil out and do a mock cycle with biopsies, and started talking about doing a FET in March. I told him to calm down as that was a long way to go!

Lining this month was looking great, after only 5 days of stims (over 8mm!). One giant mega follicle had gobbled up all the stims and left the others for dust, so v short stim and I triggered today. He said that it was very clear artificial hormones didn't work for me - but that with ovulation induction we seemed to have found a better formula. So we shall see.

banana that's fantastic news!! So pleased you are finally hearing something positive and seeing some progress.

We are doing fresh cycle this month. Have a scan today at fertility clinic and I think start with Synarel tomorrow.

Banana that's really great news. I hope the NHS doc was useful today.

Again lots of luck with this cycle.

Tiger have all things crossed that your cycle is back to normal.

Hi to everyone else. I'll relurk now.

Happy New Year Robber. Hope all is well.

Good luck with your cycle again.

Glad things are looking up banana.

Not much to report here, just deciding what clinic to go for, and booking appointments. Tracking ovulation to make sure my cycle has returned, fingers crossed.