Daughter struggling at Oxford

[ThePoliteWriter]

My daughter is in her second week at Oxford studying English and German. She settled in ok during Freshers Week but is already finding the workload and time management a bit overwhelming. She worked really hard over the summer to do all of the preparatory work but has now discovered that the joint honour students had been sent the wrong instructions for English. This means she has done a lot of "unnecessary" work and, more importantly , has not done some of the required reading eg Ulysses! On top of trying to catch up with this, she is overwhelmed by the huge amount of reading required by one of her tutors and is finding the whole system very difficult to navigate. Of course she has also been unwell with " Freshers flu". Is this normal for Oxford? I have had several tearful phone conversations with her and feel unsure how to support her. She doesn't even seem to know who her personal tutor is. Any help or advice would be much appreciated.

No personal experience of Oxford, I have students in my family and worked up to PhD myself.

First tell her that it will get better. Sad that she did work she didn’t need to - but no learning ever goes to waste.

Then tell her that she got the grades to earn her place - the uni recognized her talent so she can do it. Those short terms make study more intense, she will catch up.

i have no idea how she goes about finding her personal tutor - but that is where she should start for settling in advice. Someone is being paid to be her tutor so they need to do their job. Someone has to be able to point her in the right direction.

Joint honours is tricky to balance, but Oxford was always going to be intense, it's what she signed up for! That first term is a huge culture shock. Offer lots of moral support, and send some treats, maybe plan a visit for halfway through term so she has something to look forward to, but don't encourage her to come home. She'll hopefully bond with her fellow students over the nightmarish workload.

OP, joint honours is always a big ask. My DD started off doing History and German, (not at Oxford) and at the end of the first year, gave up German as she just couldn’t cope with the workload. Oxford will be even more intense as the terms are shorter. My DD is a hard worker - ended up with first class honours - but with joint honours, both subjects seem to expect full time commitment.

So normal. All of it. It’s a struggle for everyone at the beginning and a massive shock to the system. Joint schools are a hard option, because the two sides don’t really talk to each other or coordinate sometimes, but people manage somehow.

Has she got college “parents” she can talk to? They can be so helpful. Or others doing the same or similar subject combination?

I’d also encourage her to get out to some of the social stuff in her college. Making friends and having downtime is as important as working hard.

My DC has also just started at Oxford and we are visiting this weekend. We don’t want to wait longer. Just popping over for a meal, not imposing for too long. We’ll go again later in the term as well. So I don’t think you have to delay visiting if that would help your DD.

I think the main point to get across is that most people will be feeling overwhelmed. Plenty of them won’t have done the preparatory work so the fact there was a mistake is annoying but not disastrous.

Have her get in touch with the academic office or senior tutor at her College for some support. They are there to help her and they will; most of the Colleges are hugely supportive of their students and will help them when they are struggling. She can also get support from 3rd year students. The academic office can put her in touch with someone if she doesn’t see any posters around.

Thanks for the responses so far. It's reassuring to hear how normal this is. She is a very hard worker and knew it would be intense. I hadn't thought of the college parents so I will remind her if that. There does seem to be some poor communication between departments which is disappointing.

DD is in her 3rd year there of a joint degree. She didn't have that but sounds not uncommon experience.

She should have college parents though depends on who they are how helpful that may be but worth a try - DD had a lovely Dad who invited her to weekly events with free food and was very caring and a somewhat irresponsible Mum. At her college there were weekly drop in sessions with free giant doughnuts to chat through things which DD went to mainly for the doughnuts but may help. Also would talk through with the tutors as there may be some flexibility on the work or they might be able to guide on what is a priority.

Freshers flu very common - my DD had it at the big meet ups just before but its like when kids start school they swap all their germs. Hope she feels better soon. Would encourage joining societies and having some time out.

Also ask the other students what they are doing re workload - often someone will have found a solution or have an idea or at least can be a sympathetic ear or go to cinema etc with her.

Another vote for college parents although they can be a bit hit and miss. Mine were great but I ended up with an unofficial college granddaughter in my final year as hers were rubbish. Worth a try as someone who has recently been there though. Given the reading list issues I'd hope for a bit of slack for a week or so to catch up. Best of luck to her.

I read law at Oxford. Our weekly reading list was just a joke it was once 29 pages - just the literal list of reading materials. I also found compared to my friends at Cambridge you’re kind of left at sea and it was only just in the final few weeks of the final year that they started giving actual tuition and teaching.

My advice to her would be just get through this term. The terms are short and you can catch up in the holidays - you have mock exams called collections the start of each term anyway so you need to. Just do what you can with the reading, no one can actually get through all of it week to week. Not sure how it works with languages but try to stick to the lectures and textbooks as the main materials and anything else as a bonus. Speak to friends in her subject in the college and her college parents, just for solidarity. Everyone feels like they’ve been dumped in the deep end. It’s really early days and she is ill, she will find a system that works for her xx

I feel a bit tearful reading these kind responses. I have been so worried about her. We only live about 40 minutes away so I will go and visit as soon as I can.

Sorry just deleted this follow up post as fear it wouldn’t be helpful xx

Why is everyone on here so obsessed with getting their kids into Oxford/Cambridge? It's not the bloody be all and end all, and the two Oxbridge graduates I know are chronically unemployed!

Sounds like a plan, take her out for lunch and a chat. She can do this. Week 2 (C not O, but the same thing applies really) found me and another girl from my cohort crying over wine and wishing we'd taken our easier offers. A good cathartic let out and we got ourselves together and cracked on. But it was good to realise I wasn't alone in feeling wobbly. She won't be the only one.

She probably will learn to read much, much faster. It’s all such a culture shock at first. But the brain does adjust of its own accord with the practice.
For example, if she has the whole of the Odyssey to read, she needs to chunk it up - so many pages a day , so much per session and push through that amount. Gradually one gets better.

Could she listen to Ulysses as an audiobook? It won’t be faster but it might help the rhythm.

That's a great idea.

Also, just as a side thought, when you see her, check she's eating and sleeping ok if you can as that will help.

It might help to go and see her if that's doable. I know that doesn't get the work done but it might help emotionally. Remind her that something is better than nothing, so doing some of the weekly tasks is preferable to freezing and not doing anything.

In my experience it's the students who want to get themselves into Oxbridge. Parents don't pass the entrance exam or the interview, it has to come from the student. I would also say your vitriol is a little late to the table, given that the OPs DD is already there ...

Very normal.

Send her some good cold medicine.asap, and pay a visit this weekend if you're able, to take her out to eat some hearty food.

You can speed up audio books. She might be able to get through Ulysses very quickly indeed.

Hi. I worked as a counsellor in Student Counselling Services at a leading university (not C or O) for several years. I saw a lot of students in those early weeks, who felt lost/overwhelmed/like they’d made the wrong choice/like they didn’t fit/they wouldn’t meet their ‘tribe’ /that they’re not ‘good enough, etc. It’s a huge life change and many young adults struggle to adjust. If your daughter is not finding much support from her academic departments (and this is very typical, it was something that concerned and frustrated me enormously), then encourage her to find out more about the student support services available, including counselling. There may well be some buddying/mentoring services that she can access, which would probably help her to feel supported by someone who understands exactly what she’s feeling, and maybe felt exactly the same a year earlier… and yes , if she’s lucky enough to have a caring personal tutor, they will offer support too.
Universities have become much more aware of their responsibilities towards student mental health and in general have increased their support in these areas in recent years. If they become aware of students who are struggling, there will be resources your daughter can access to help. It’s just that sometimes the dots aren’t joined up very well, so academics don’t know, or students don’t know, or admin staff don’t know what’s available.
Sending best wishes, hope your daughter settles in soon.

Thanks again for ( almost) all of the helpful advice on here . It has reassured me and given me some practical strategies to try. Like many of her peers, my daughter is a perfectionist and terrified of getting things wrong. I think the whole "Oxford" thing adds to the pressure. She is the first in our family to go there so we have limited knowledge of the work load and support available.

If you or she goes to her college website there should be a page on welfare with a list of contacts - this is the one for a random Oxford college Christ Church

https://www.chch.ox.ac.uk/college/undergraduate/welfare-support

But definitely talk to others as many will be feeling similar or have found a solution. I remember a boy I was at university with doing my course at my college said he'd worked out there was a 70% chance of getting a 2:1 so we could either do very little work and have lots of fun and get one or work like crazy trying to be in the 10% firsts and his vote was for reading books really fast and spending time on fun activities. He suggested just reading the back covers which I think was taking it too far but you could definitely speed read them and in our subject just do intro, conclusion and maybe if there was a key chapter read that but no need for cover to cover. I would make sure she finds time to do other activities and does not work about work being perfect.