Daughter struggling at Oxford

[ThePoliteWriter]

My daughter is in her second week at Oxford studying English and German. She settled in ok during Freshers Week but is already finding the workload and time management a bit overwhelming. She worked really hard over the summer to do all of the preparatory work but has now discovered that the joint honour students had been sent the wrong instructions for English. This means she has done a lot of "unnecessary" work and, more importantly , has not done some of the required reading eg Ulysses! On top of trying to catch up with this, she is overwhelmed by the huge amount of reading required by one of her tutors and is finding the whole system very difficult to navigate. Of course she has also been unwell with " Freshers flu". Is this normal for Oxford? I have had several tearful phone conversations with her and feel unsure how to support her. She doesn't even seem to know who her personal tutor is. Any help or advice would be much appreciated.

They’re not.

OP’s daughter has done fantastically to get in and in common with lots of freshers at lots of universities is having a wobble. It is very intense at Oxford (and easy to assume everyone is better than you) but I’m sure she’ll settle in and it’s great that so many people have come on to give helpful advice

Yup, that’s very typical too actually. High achieving students who have secured places at the top rated universities, typically already set themselves very high standards, and of course have always done very well at school. So getting to a top uni where everyone has straight A*s, and possibly also speaks three languages, has lived internationally, is a county class rower, etc. etc., can suddenly make the most bright and talented young person, feel suddenly inadequate and not good enough. It’s certainly a shock for most, unless they have rock solid self esteem, and for some it’s quite destabilising. You’re looking out for her and she’s able to talk to you about her concerns, so this is all good.

It's also worth remembering that you don't always make your best friends straight away. And they may not be in your subject group (actually I found a mixed group much better as the medics could moan at me, I could at them etc) . And that really, everyone is a bit off kilter at the start, some just hide it better than others which isn't always for the best.

The academics want everyone to do well. And believe they can, or they wouldn't have chosen them. And will support them to get there. Asking for help is not a shameful thing, however it may seem (it took me longer to learn that than it should have done).

Sounds like a great idea - and really good that you live close.

DD moved to a uni a four hour drive (or six hour train journey) away and everything went fine until she developed arthritis in the middle of the second year. Trying to manage everything has been an absolute nightmare.

I was always very blase about students moving far away ("good for them to have to rely on themselves etc etc) but there's a lot to be said for not being too far away and being able to pay quick morale boosting visits.

I did English at Oxford and the intensity of the workload & sheer quantity of reading is overwhelming - even more so for your daughter as she is doing joint honours.

It is early days, I am sure she will settle and get into her stride while a visit from you with a few treats from home will help. I wish her the best of luck

I went and was the first and I found the first term a real shock to the system. The college parent system is good and a lot of colleges used to have a peer support system. The university has a really goos counselling service if she needs it.

Maybe see if she can focus on one book of Ulysees, although I think the audio book suggestion is a really good one. Also see if her college has an RLF fellow. I do that job somewhere now and she can book in and chat organisation etc. Or even with the college junior dean or JCR welfare officer. And she will be able to use 9th week to catch up.

Really hope she settles soon. I used to go for walks around Christ Church Meadow a lot to de-stress.

Having a personal tutor is a key feature of Oxford, so it is really important that she finds out. If she hasn’t been told then the college are at fault.

Agree re personal tutor. Even 30 years ago, I met with mine (different subject so I could rise anything in a safe space re staff on my course) in induction week, and had one mandatory meeting per term, but could contact her at other times should I have wished to.

Hi, OP -

Another academic here who agrees this is both typical and difficult. The wrinkle about getting incorrect information is especially unfortunate.

From my understanding of Oxford, I think that roughly speaking DD’s College Parents (and let’s hope they are good) are her first port of call for moral support, and for the moment the Senior Tutor or Course Leader is her main academic resource. Her tutor should be that person, and the academics know this. They should sort it promptly.

Once DD finds her tutor, I hope she will regard this person as an ally. Their job is to improve her academic standard, and some take gentler approaches than others. Yet almost everyone reacts well to a student who admits to the need for support, and is happy to provide (a limited but useful amount of) this.

While it is right that students are growing up and, if all goes well, finding mutual support amongst their peers, they should not forget the ballast that a good relationship with their tutor can provide.

This is basically why I didn’t do joint honours.

The key to surviving Oxbridge is work strategy and she will get into her stride and figure it out.

Gone are the days where she could carefully read every word of every text - she will get expert at wolfing books quickly, gutting them - and winging it to some degree.

My tip would be not to be too perfectionist about essays - everything stands and falls on the exams so it’s as important that you make make excellent revision notes as you go along as that you do well in individual essays.

That first term is a such a shock to the system. I did German at Oxford (with another MFL ab initio) and was on the phone in tears to my best friend from home several times a week until the end of October! Her reading speed will definitely pick up pace, and if she's really overwhelmed it's definitely worth reaching for shortcuts until she catches up - though challenging for those who are used to having everything perfectly prepared. The audiobook is a great suggestion, as she can pop it on as and when.

The first year of German covers such a massive range of literature and historical periods, sampling a little of each, so while there is the pressure of collections, it's healthy to see it as a way of discovering what she's interested in so that that can inform her choice of papers for 2nd and 4th year. The fabulous thing about MFL at Oxford is that those options allow you to get quite specialised for an undergraduate degree, especially if you choose papers that aren't massively popular.

And in case it helps - I don't know what kind of school your DD is coming from, but as a student from a fairly standard comp I found the massive confidence of many of the (lovely) privately schooled pupils really hard to get my head around at first. To me it read as exhaustive knowledge, because surely they wouldn't be spouting their random opinions with such conviction to the world expert on the subject unless they really knew the subject inside out? Very intimidating! Thankfully my in-college tutor noticed that I was racked with self-doubt, took me aside and gave me a lot of reassurance. Hopefully your daughter's tutor will be equally encouraging.

As others have said, it can an adjustment for a bright person who has always excelled, to find that they are now surrounded by equally bright peers and the goalposts have moved. Also, they may be hearing about the fantastic social life their friends are having at other unis and they have no time to socialise because of fhe workload.

Dd had a friend who seriously considered dropping out at Christmas in the first year and reapplying somewhere else for the following year. They did stay but had to really readjust their way of thinking/working and decided that they would stop aiming for perfection, ie a first, and be happy with lower marks but have some sort of life outside studying.

Hello @ThePoliteWriter I was thinking she’s probably missing you as well - not only is she going into this new and very busy environment but she’s also leaving you too. She might be wondering all sorts of things about what it means, will you still look after her, is she a “grown up” now and should she be able to magically manage anything. Maybe just you seeing her, reassuring her you're still her mum, she’s not alone and although it’s a step towards more independence it’s not a one way street or total! She’s very young still and you are with her in spirit and you are thinking about her even if not physically present ❤️

My niece is in her last year of joint honours English and French and says she never worked harder in her life (and she is a very hard working girl!) My Dd is applying for 2027 and has given joint honours a very wide berth on that basis 🤣

I remember back in my day it was a shock to the system and I wasn’t even doing a high workload degree. My first essays were terrible. You had a reading list of 15 books for the week, I remember I got to day 5 and still only “on” the first book. But over time you learn and develop - and you don’t need to read everything cover to cover either. I ended up with a very good 2(1) without killing myself for it.

Im sure she will settle and find her way ❤️ good luck to her

She should look up reading techniques in academia. She doesn’t need to read absolutely everything all the way through to be successful. Read for argument. Read the first and last lines of paragraphs. Read reviews of books in journals, intros and conclusions. Don’t be afraid to use AI to summarize in aid of understanding, as long as she uses it within whatever the policy is. This stuff works less well for actual literature vs analytical work, but it should be of use in the mix.

I love audiobooks but they take forever.

She needs to get a primer and read through the events of each chapter; get the criticism, read through character, theme, language analysis; get an overview of the critical perspective; then read key chapters & events in the text itself. I’d add zipping through the Odyssey if she hasn’t already, and also Dubliner’s.

But as to reading all of Ulysses - I didn’t. 😙

Second the suggestions about reading in a focussed way. I used to basically read the introduction and conclusion and basically that would get you 75% of the way there!

Is there anyone who doesn't/didn't feel a bit tearful and overwhelmed in their second week at Oxford (or indeed any university)?

It is natural for you to feel agonised about this, OP, sisnce she has actully told you about it (unlike most students I imagine), but I do think you need to try to blunt yourself a bit to the inevitable distress of your daughter in these first few weeks/months.

It is a bad thing, really, that modern communication tech makes it possible for unhappy new students to share their feelings with family in real time. She needs space to feel the misery and realise that it doesn't end the world.

My first week at Oxford, I was totally overwhelmed by the reading list and didn't know how to cope. I went in tears to my college dad who showed me what I should read, what I should ignore, textbooks that would help bypass lots of the reading and shared all his old notes with me. It completely transformed how I managed - the reading list as presented would have been impossible to manage. Talking to her college parents or just second or third years on her course might really help.

The unabridged audiobook is 27 hours!

I don't think anyone on this thread has indicated any 'obsession'. A mum has asked for advice, an received it!
Some young people love learning, are passionate about their subject and very bright. They are allowed to aspire to oxbridge if they want!! Aside from the high bar to get in, they are beautiful places, have world class academics to learn from, a smaller college system which really suits some and a personal tutorial-based system.
Stop being mean and only comment if yiu ha e something helpful to day to this mum who is worried about her daughter.

She’s normal and as soon as she has some friends on her course she’ll realise she’s normal.

don’t rely on the department or “the university” for pastoral or even study support - identify the nice folk in the year above to help direct her to what matters; access college pastoral care - they all have them and it’s what they’re there for. She got n - they’ll want to keep her.

her JCR will possibly have a welfare officer - usually a good egg undergrad who cares - direct her to find them.

Encourage her to do activities - company and friends at arms help and it’s cuppers season in all sorts of things she never knew she wanted to try.

Visit her and hope she dashes off to do something with her new friends instead of hanging out with you.

and know that there’s probably a day, a few weeks or months away where she’s going to laugh at fifth week blues, ignore 95% of the reading list and STILL be doing ok - it takes time.

I did history at Cambridge many decades ago. I remember also being v stressed about my reading list. I confided in a second year who showed me how to game it- read the articles and then intro, conclusion and a few particularly relevant chapters of the books. Read your supervisor’s book and if you want an easy week, agree with him/ her when you write your essay. 😂. If you can find a second year who wrote the same essay last year ( supervisors are often not v imaginative when it comes to first years and colleges tend to use the same supervisors year after year) then ask them about what they key points are- I remember getting great advice such as “ if x is your supervisor make sure you read y and address z”. Second years are a great resource hence why the college parent system is so good.

First of all your DD has done remarkably well to get into Oxford! I think many students find it hard in the first year.My DD struggled in physics at an RG uni ,Coming from a comprehensive as well .Go and see her ,take some treats and maybe arrange a weekend at home to coincide with half term ? We did this and it helped a lot .I think she will be fine .My own DD found the second year easier as she had settled in by then

I can’t see anyone on here claiming it is!

Definitely worth a nice trip to see her. Think about taking her outside of the Oxford bubble to somewhere like The Trout at Wolvercote for lunch were she may be more able to talk. Everywhere in the city centre seems to have someone in a college puffer jacket at the table next door.

Downstairs at Blackwells there is a study support section which has books on everything from writing essays for tutorials to how to read. DD's tutor pointed her there when she was overwhelmed.

Each college will have academic and pastoral welfare teams. They often have their photos and contact details at the Plodge. DD had a very tricky first term (year) oncluding a bereavement in the first month and the support was invaluable once she got over the fear of talking to a stranger.

It will get easier, but encourage her to keep talking to you.