Shouldn't parents be teaching freshers life skills before university?

[RampantIvy]

I am still on the WIWIKAU Facebook page as DD is a post grad student.

I keep reading posts from parents of freshers students worrying about how their student DC are going to manage cooking, laundry and other life skills.

Isn't it our job to teach them those skills? Why on earth haven't these parents done so?

I admit to challenging one parent in the past about this and got my post deleted 😁

I have no problem with any of the students themselves not being taught or knowing how to do stuff. It's as much on them during the summer before they go to ask questions on basics and prepare themselves for what they need.

What I really struggle with is the number of parents involved in talking to the universities on behalf of their adult children. SEN excluded of course.
A friend of mine rang the uni when her son failed his first year exams and got him all sorted out for retakes and entry into second year. The other people in my friendship group were all "well done, Stacey, no one would argue with you!"
Her son is 20!

Mine went straight into a (non-university) flat from first year. Steepest learning curve was learning how to rub alongside flatmates as
they all work out how to be independent entities aged 18/17. Starting 3rd year now and still together so presumably successful life lesson.

Was never in halls I mean.

@Chrysanthemumsinpots You would be surprised then at the cost of some self careering accommodation! It’s sometimes cheaper in catered! Catered gives you a year to settle in without having to shop and cook. DD very much enjoyed that part of the experience. But yes, boarding school dc like it and those with full on courses. Medics and vets and engineers!

Why does being a child matter. Democracy!

Not agreeing with Truss politically is very different from her life experience having no benefit.

Expensive self-catering is also disproportionately ex-private students if reports from friends ex-private students in them are anything to go by!

@Chrysanthemumsinpots Some unis have 10% or less private school dc! They cannot be everywhere. However there’s some very well off students not from private schools who must have an en suite bathroom - according to mn. Most sensible people do what they can afford and catered is often not modern or swish!

Really surprised to find this isn't uncommon. I'm frightened of the dark, a hangover from childhood insomnia and Alice in Wonderland syndrome, but never being allowed a light. Normally it's something I keep to myself.

It's really natural. When stressed it can flare up in people who normally don't mind.

Well I suppose Truss could have been even less competent when younger. We'll never know, we will only have those wild 49 days to judge her on.

’disproportionately’ means there are more than would be expected by random distribution. So if there are 10% of ex-private students at a university but 20% in an expensive hall then there are disproportionately more ex-private school students in that hall. The fact the remaining 80% are from state does not change that (though in reality a disproportionate number of the remaining 80% are likely to be international students).

Liz Truss was an MP for 14 years, and a government minister for 10 years.

@Chrysanthemumsinpots Thanks for the maths lesson! Do I care about who is in which Halls? Not really. Catered gives a years grace in terms of cooking and that was my point really.

Yes, quite. A perfect example of how experience can be quite meaningless without ability.

None of them at 18 can independently take a bus or train.

That's shocking. My son was doing it at 13. Planes too as Unaccompanied Minor.

It's just more of what they are already used to really.

Vegetarian DD loves cooking and finds vegetarian options anywhere where there is mass catering rather uninspiring, so catered was just not on her radar. She ruled out Nottingham for this reason as all the halls on the main campus were catered. When she asked about self catered halls the student showing us around looked blank.

I have since learned that there is another campus that has self catered halls, but by then DD had decided where she wanted to go.

I have to admit, I didn't necessarily prep my DC so they were fully competent before they left for University. At the point you realise they don't have certain life skills, they are neck deep in A levels, often out the house a lot busy, have part time jobs and bark back at you "I'm studying!!" whenever you have a reasonable request that they sweep the floor etc... and because they are good students you back off (read as humour please)

But, they definitely knew some basics like cooking pasta or baked potatoes and knew not to leave the kitchen in a state for others to clear up. The DC who got an ensuite in first year I quickly showed how to clean a loo when she moved in. I expected them to pick up skills as they went along and they did. The problem lies in parents doing everything for their DC before they leave home and then still treating them like they are helpless and doing everything for them once they have left home (laundry, filling their freezer with a month's worth of meals, sending online shops every week, sourcing their fancy dress outfits for them.... everything) Talking about neurotypical here.

Ds had to get on with it as we were living 6000 miles away when he started at university. Cooking, laundry etc was not an issue as he loved to cook from a young age and was expected to help at home with tidying up, dishwasher emptying, keeping room clean etc. We also gave him a monthly allowance when he was in the sixth form and he used that for travel to school, lunches, clothes, going out etc and he had to budget and manage this money.
The most challenging issue he had was sharing a kitchen with other students - but not sure how you can prepare your child to deal with people who leave food to rot in the fridge.
some students do receive a substantial amount of parental support at uni. Ds told me about a group of students who had been at school together and parents took it in turn to visit every weekend. The visiting parents would bring clean sheets and towels, change the beds, take away the laundry, clean the rooms, deliver a selection of snacks and home prepared meals to last the week.

What annoys me most about that page is the wailing of “it’s just like a bereavement” when they go.

No, it’s bloody not. It’s utterly insulting to the parents who have had children who have died. They won’t be coming back at Christmas with a suitcase of laundry.

I complained personally to the owners and they couldn’t have cared less, so now I mute the page for about a month every year so I don’t get a Facebook ban for replying to every single bereavement post with “did you child actually die though?”. They really need to get a grip and it’s every sodding year.

Ds told me about a group of students who had been at school together and parents took it in turn to visit every weekend. The visiting parents would bring clean sheets and towels, change the beds, take away the laundry, clean the rooms, deliver a selection of snacks and home prepared meals to last the week

They really aren't helping their DC to be independent. Someone I worked with did this. She visited her DS every fortnight and changed his bedding and towels and took them home to wash.

I totally understand that some young people mature earlier than others and are more independent than others at an earlier age, but I feel it is still our job as parents to be able to point our DC in the right direction, even if it is just to say "look it up on google" or there are great recipes on YouTube/TikTok/BBC Good Food/other platform.

Ds told me about a group of students who had been at school together and parents took it in turn to visit every weekend. The visiting parents would bring clean sheets and towels, change the beds, take away the laundry, clean the rooms, deliver a selection of snacks and home prepared meals to last the week.

Why does it matter though? It is not something I would do by why get exercised over that fact that other people choose do it?

but not sure how you can prepare your child to deal with people who leave food to rot in the fridge.

This is a far more important skill - interpersonal slkills - than teaching them in advance what setting to use on the washing machine. A quick google doesn’t give you the confidence to raise rotten food in the way Google can tell you how to boil an egg.

And I certainly warned my DC never to sniff milk in student fridge’s to see if it was off (or to try and tip separate milk down the sink)!!!

It costs literally thousands of pounds to learn how to drive and acquire an insured car.

It was having food constantly stolen out of the fridges that my kids struggled with and it was unfortunately my most rigid child who had the worst flatmates for this. Really difficult when you are on a budget. Do people not teach their kids not to steal from others, way too many were blasé about money?

In a tolerant, liberal society we accept that people do things differently.

If that group of students are well, and progressing - does it matter how they arrange their affairs,?

There are people who have staff, people who have a lot of family support, people who have more hands-off family support, people who have no support at all.

You've done what you wanted with your kids. But none of us actually know if we did it right!