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Higher education

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Original poster

Never phones me

81 replies

swimmer4 · 24/02/2019 19:33

DS is at Uni and never phones me for a chat. I am the one that phones and feel if I don't we would never talk.
The only times he has rang, is in moments of distress due to anxiety and usually because his gf has told him to.

Does anyone have any tips to encourage him to occasionally phone first.

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HollowTalk · 24/02/2019 19:36

Is he really busy and having fun?

Is there a time in the week that works? My son used to call when he was walking home from a late lecture.

Is he friendly in messages?

Mikesh909 · 24/02/2019 19:38

Think it's pretty normal tbh, especially with sons. My db is in his 30s now and my parents still despair of his lacking enthusiasm for phone calls. Also, i assume your ds is young - no-one makes calls like they once did. You're probably right. If you don't take the initiative, you won't be speaking on the phone if it's just for chatting purposes. Could you have a family whatsapp group or similar for casual day to day updates?

Mikesh909 · 24/02/2019 19:40

Failing that, state openly that you'd like him to call you. He may have no idea that this is something that's important to you!

ooooohbetty · 24/02/2019 19:42

Completely normal. Mine was the same at uni and still is now. If I don't contact him I'd hardly hear from him. Makes me feel a bit sad but I know a few people whose sons phone them everyday and I wouldn't like that at all.

GreyGardens88 · 24/02/2019 19:43

Just text instead

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 24/02/2019 19:47

WhatsApp maybe your friend here. Young 'uns don't use the phone for actually phoning people these days.
It's a good sign though, that he does call when he's having a panic. He obviously needs you still, even if it's not in the same way as he used to.
I speak from experience.Smile

legolimb · 24/02/2019 21:08

WhatsApp here.

My DS doesn't call me. Ever.

WhatsApp is our conversation.

At least I can see when he's read it.

To be honest I prefer messaging to phone calls. It's not always convenient to chat.

Original poster
swimmer4 · 24/02/2019 21:14

Hollowtalk - yes this weekend he was having lots of fun so I shouldn't really complain but his norm is for me to prompt him by message once a week saying 'when you're free ring for a chat.'
Messages are rare - they are occasional when I've reminded him it would be nice to hear good bits - even if it's just to say we're going out or had curry for tea.

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Daisymay2 · 24/02/2019 21:16

Another WhatsApp son here. We have a family WhatsApp group and 1-1 whatsApp chats.
He responds almost immediately - texts can take a while for a response. Sometimes he would ring while walking back from the library ( he says!) but then he took his bike up there so not possible.
Like pp he rings if he has a problem or wants an opinion.

Justanothermile · 24/02/2019 21:21

I wouldn't hear from DS unless I text him. Rare to speak to him. He's fine. Enjoying life. Pretty quiet.

He rarely emotes at home, I didn't expect university to be any different. 😁

Original poster
swimmer4 · 24/02/2019 21:27

Mikesh909 - we have in the past said it would be good to have a call from him (usually after he's had a bout of anxiety and needed me to help talk him through little steps).
He then messages a couple of times then it dies off until the next time he has a anxious 'episode'.

What I'm realising whilst typing is that it's me that needs him to call me, to reassure me that he's not heading for another meltdown.
He is young and what I should be doing is letting him just get on with it, but I resent it when he just calls when he has mh issues - I don't get to hear the nice bits. I hate the fact that we see him as DS with the mh issues when infact he's a bright, interesting person that is a whole proper person to the people around him. We're just here to pick up the pieces. But I suppose that's what being a parent to some DC is like??

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ElloBrian · 24/02/2019 21:29

When I first went to university - and bear in mind this is in the days before mobile phones when there was one pay phone per accommodation block - I called my mother a grand total of twice in the first term.

Email didn’t exist either and I’m pretty sure I didn’t write a letter.

A few times she resorted to calling the pay phone and asking whichever random stoner that answered to slip a message under my door saying ‘call your mother’. Unsurprisingly not all of these messages reached me.

These days bereft parents are positively spoilt by the array of communications options available.

Original poster
swimmer4 · 24/02/2019 21:31

oooooohbetty - thanks for that - it's so true - I definitely wouldn't want him ringing every day - poor lad can't win!!

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Original poster
swimmer4 · 24/02/2019 21:34

GreyGardens - I message once a week with little newsy bits but he can be very monosyllabic by text and it's very difficult to tell how he actually is.
I think I'm probably expecting too much - and it's hardly going to change from this point on is it?!!

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GoFiguire · 24/02/2019 21:34

Why don’t you call him?

Original poster
swimmer4 · 24/02/2019 21:37

HoofWankingSpangleCunt - thanks that is true - he does still need us at times - definitely not the 'finished article' yet with regard to emotional literacy even if he does have a GF at Uni.

I've just got to get used to it!

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Haffdonga · 24/02/2019 21:38

2 ds both at uni. Never ever get a call, text or whatsapp chat unprompted by me unless they need something. The family whatsapp group is one way photos of the family pets from me to them.

I had a chat with them both about what's a reasonable amount of contact. Both agreed once a week seemed ok. Sunday nights is our usual chat time. Today I've waited for them to contact me instead of the usual prompt from me. Have I heard a peep from either? What do you think?

Original poster
swimmer4 · 24/02/2019 21:38

Thanks legolimb, is that easier than facebook messenger?

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Original poster
swimmer4 · 24/02/2019 21:41

Thanks Daisymay2 - is WhatsApp easier than facebook messenger?
Talking on way back from library - hmmm - he's only just discovered the library so maybe my chances will come!!

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gamerchick · 24/02/2019 21:41

Tbh personally when they don't get in touch I think it's a job well done and they're ok. It's a good thing.

Forcing it becomes a chore for them. It shouldn't turn into that. Give yourself a pat on the back instead maybe?

Original poster
swimmer4 · 24/02/2019 21:42

Justanothermile - thanks - it's good to know that actually he might just be normal with this Grin

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Original poster
swimmer4 · 24/02/2019 21:44

ElloBrian - so what you're saying is, me expecting a phone chat once a week is way, way too much.

ooops

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JuniperBeer · 24/02/2019 21:45

I think this might be for your benefit rather than his. (In the kindest possibly way). How would you feel if your mum said “I want you to ring me once a week” he would then do it out of a sense of duty, rather than actually wanting to chat and share news.
He’s learning how to spread his wings. Give the lad a break. Keep up ringing him (it’s a good sign that he answers!) and just text him more.

ScafellPoke · 24/02/2019 21:46

What do you want to chat about? I hate chatting for the sake of it. The only time me and my dm speak (or any family member) is if we need something, planning something or visiting. It drives me mad that dh’s dm calls ME (or tried to, I often don’t answer) every week for a ‘chat’ I don’t want to hear about your neighbours new fences thank you very much.

Original poster
swimmer4 · 24/02/2019 21:48

GoFiguire - I do end up phoning him but it's becoming apparent that this is all very , very one-sided and maybe I'm expecting too much.

I just worry that I will end up never hearing from him Sad

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