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Higher education

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Original poster

Never phones me

81 replies

swimmer4 · 24/02/2019 19:33

DS is at Uni and never phones me for a chat. I am the one that phones and feel if I don't we would never talk.
The only times he has rang, is in moments of distress due to anxiety and usually because his gf has told him to.

Does anyone have any tips to encourage him to occasionally phone first.

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Original poster
swimmer4 · 25/02/2019 11:36

Thankyou Babdoc - I think this may well me just over reacting as second DS has gone to Uni this year so empty nest has kicked in.
I feel eldest is as prepared as he can be for adult life and I need to lighten up and go do stuff instead of stressing whether he's ok or not
Blush

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Original poster
swimmer4 · 25/02/2019 11:38

I won't see him in the holidays much as he stays at GFs now - so I've just got to let go Sad

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swimmer4 · 25/02/2019 11:40

Thanks Rade - it's nice to know what the norm is. I need to drag myself into the 21st century - even if I would much prefer to hear their voices!!

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swimmer4 · 25/02/2019 11:45

Thanks Backforgood - the vast majority on here are saying the same thing so I've just got to 'let go'!!

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swimmer4 · 25/02/2019 11:46

Thanks justtasking111 - I'm going to ask if they use WhatsApp

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crimsonlake · 25/02/2019 11:47

It is the circle of life I am afraid :) One of my son's has a girlfriend and I am happy for him, last year he spent his 21 st with her as she had arranged something, I felt pretty hurt at the time as we always have an extended family party on big birthdays. I bit my tongue of course as I wanted him to do what made him happy.
Mine went off to uni at the same time and I am a single mum and I found it hard, but in reality over the years they have been home a lot. Not so much in the last couple of years, but I remind myself this is as it should be as they are getting on with their lives. I want them to come home because they want to see me and not out of a sense of duty. I always make a point during calls or when they visit of not mentioning the lack of contact etc as I do not want to seem needy as they have their own lives to lead. My own dm still does this to me and you do not visit or call home to be made to feel guilty and bad about yourself. Try and keep things upbeat and make your life sound interesting.

Original poster
swimmer4 · 25/02/2019 11:48

Grin VanillaSugar - I have a friend who can't/won't say goodbye on the phone so passes phone to her DH - WhatsApp I think is the way to go!!

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ifonly4 · 25/02/2019 11:49

My DD got herself a scholarship at a private school at 16. She's been there 18 months, in all that time I think she's only phoned once for a general chat (may have been bored though!), the rest of the time it's because she has news (ie friend got into Oxford, uni offers), wants something or needs to vent.

If we message, she'll replied but something it'll just be "yeh".

Hopefully it helps knowing it's now you.

anniehm · 25/02/2019 11:50

My friend has a rule, no phone call no allowance - works a treat. Dd calls me most days with no incentive but she's female, most girls seem to call home

Original poster
swimmer4 · 25/02/2019 11:55

crimsonlake - I rang my DM from Uni once a week without fail and wouldn't have dreamt of not doing so even though there were times when I'd have rather be doing something else - I guess this was based on feeling it was my duty to do so - she was coughing up her hard earned cash to top up my grant so it was only courteous to call to have a chat.

I feel guilty if I've forgotten to prompt for a call - quite clearly you all agree they're not sitting there waiting/pining for contact so I just need to get on with my life Grin

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ionlylovemybedandmymama · 25/02/2019 11:56

Op my oldest ds communicates via memes/ those images on the iPhone.

I actually think it's great he contacts for his mh issues. My biggest fear is not hearing from him if he's struggling, I want to know. If I knew he would always contact as soon as he was having trouble then I would relax and just imagine him enjoying himself, and send him the odd meme in the hope of getting some weird image back.

Original poster
swimmer4 · 25/02/2019 11:57

Thanks Cortex10 - that gives me an idea of what may happen once they've left Uni - I do post silly bits and postcards now and I think both DSs enjoy them.

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swimmer4 · 25/02/2019 12:00

Best post so far was chillis off my chilli plant as I had far too many to cope with. I did then get a message of what dishes DS had used them in.
The post office lady always asks for security reasons what's in the parcel and thinks I'm completetly mad when I say there's Billtong in it!!

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swimmer4 · 25/02/2019 12:04

ssd - that's a good point I don't think I should compare my phoning habits to my DM to my DS's and mine. I was friends with my DM once I hit Uni age but that is not the case with my DS's - so it's solo shopping trips for me too!!

My DH phones his DM once a week but that's only since married life - he definitely didn't do that when he was at Uni!

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Original poster
swimmer4 · 25/02/2019 12:08

Rade I agree with the phone technique skills being valuable when job seeking. I can tell DS hates calling people back and he does put it off. I'm not a great fan myself so I've always hinted it helps to write down what you want to say beforehand.

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swimmer4 · 25/02/2019 12:10

Thanks CookPassBabtridge - as from today I've letting him grow!!

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swimmer4 · 25/02/2019 12:17

BackforGood - if you were to ask the DC they'd probably say they were 'friends' not 'best friends' with their DP and probably have a whole load of friends their own age - I think your relationship can evolve into friendship status as you get older and certainly isn't a result of poor parenting. Trying to be your child's best friend when they're 5 is definitely a no-no but I don't think ssd was suggesting this!!

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SherlockSays · 25/02/2019 12:24

I have called my mum once in about 5 years - to tell her I was pregnant. I HATE talking on the phone.

Try messaging instead.

Original poster
swimmer4 · 25/02/2019 12:24

Thanks crimsonlake. You've done a brilliant job.
I love your approach and have tried to adopt it by making it clear years ago that I do not want them to feel they have to be with us Christmas Day for example - it's only a day - and we can catch up at some other point.
We've just experienced the same with DS's 21st so I'm getting used to it!!
I can remember getting in a right state plucking up the courage to tell my DM we were coming to visit her but wouldn't be staying in her house (she couldn't cope) with our young family and really don't want my DSs to feel the same.

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swimmer4 · 25/02/2019 12:26

ifonly4 thanks that does help!

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swimmer4 · 25/02/2019 12:27

anniehm GrinGrinGrin
well that's a thought - DS's may go hungry for a while!!!

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swimmer4 · 25/02/2019 12:30

ionlylovemybedandmymama yes I should count myself lucky that he does eventually call if he's having a crisis and for the rest of the time 'no news is good news'!!

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swimmer4 · 25/02/2019 12:32

Grin Sherlocksays - I'm hoping that call is a little way off - I consider myself warned though GrinGrin

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RuthW · 25/02/2019 17:07

My dd has been at uni 4 years and never rung me. Fb messenger is how we communicate.

Having said that it must he about ten years since I've phoned anyone for a chat.

BackforGood · 25/02/2019 19:27

I don't think you can compare with queuing up for the payphone on a Sunday afternoon when we were at University. After all, if you didn't do that, then your parents couldn't contact you either. Nowadays it would be very unusual for anyone to not have a mobile phone, so if you need to tell your dc something, or ask them something, they can receive that communication (text, social media, whatever) at any point during the day and during the week. It is a completely different world from then.