Never phones me

[swimmer4]

DS is at Uni and never phones me for a chat. I am the one that phones and feel if I don't we would never talk.
The only times he has rang, is in moments of distress due to anxiety and usually because his gf has told him to.

Does anyone have any tips to encourage him to occasionally phone first.

Hi Swimmer
I am not a FB user so I don't know. Neither DS use FB much now either.
Now he has discovered the library there might be hope then.

Swimmer4 - I guess I’m saying that, while I sympathise that it’s very difficult to go from picking their pants up off the floor every morning to hearing nothing from one week to the next, it’s an inevitable experience for many parents I’m afraid.

It does get better though, I promise. We even go on holiday together these days

If they're not getting in touch then they're having fun.

I've two minds about it.
Dm used to expect me to phone once a week. I think that's reasonable. Butshe wanted to make it a regular evening, but it felt a bit restrictive in that I needed to be around for that evening to phone. If I missed it, then I felt guilty. Dh used to phone home from the only phone box near his accommodation. This was outside, and in winter he'd go out looking dressed for the arctic and come back looking frozen.

I think what I'll say to dd (next year) is that I want to hear from her at least once a week. That can be by message, or phone. I'd suspect that will work out to her phoning quite regularly while she's settling down and messaging once she's settled down. But she can be quite chatty in messages so I think that'll be fine.

Haffdonga - wow your situation mirrors mine exactly - thanks for sharing.
I too have 2 ds both at uni. Contact is usually when they need money or something posted.

I too discussed when we'd talk and they each chose a different day - perfect I thought - deary me I was dillusioned.

Have you ever left it to see how long it would be before they got hold of you?
I'm scared to try as I don't want to be how my DB's were with my Mum.

Thanks gamerchick - I like that thinking - I was just feeling 'wanted' this evening and need to go find a new focus!!

Thanks JuniperBeer - no offence taken. I like that approach and yes I think going on this forum has made me realise I'm the 'problem' not him - ooops

but I resent it when he just calls when he has mh issues - I don't get to hear the nice bits. I hate the fact that we see him as DS with the mh issues

I think that's as good as it gets sometimes

Ouch ScafellPoke - point taken. DS has never been into small talk so I'm not expecting to hear about his flat mates uncle's neighbours piles, however I feel because of his mh issues its important to catch up BRIEFLY as its important to talk and keep the channel of conversation open incase he does need help.

Thanks DaisyMay - I shall ask if they use WhatsApp

ElloBrian - thanks - yes things evolve - I have holidays to look forward to in the future

but I resent it when he just calls when he has mh issues - I don't get to hear the nice bits

I do understand that. The young lady I care for rings me 5-13 times a day for support. If she doesn't ring then I know she's having good days and I bless those days. It's normal to ring home when you're distressed but not hearing from them is what you're striving for. Touch base weekly if you want but nothing more. You want him to be a fully functional adult who can regulate his emotions. I do know that worry though.

Witchend - that sounds like a good plan.

I was the same - a call to my DM once a week in a stinky call box some walk from my accommodation and to be fair it was often begrudging as I had far better things to do. I should have come on here much earlier to hear people's views!!

Thanks Gina2012 - when reading it back I make it sound as if he tells me nothing - I think it could be far worse going by the comments on here!

Thanks gamerchick

When I was at uni 400 miles away from home,my parents didn’t have a phone. I wrote an occasional letter if I had time.
I think it’s much harder nowadays for students to become independent of their parents and learn to handle their own lives.
I understand that you worry about your son, but try to give him some breathing space. He’ll call if he needs anything, and you’ll see him at the end of term.
The greatest gift parents can give their children is to make themselves redundant! If you’ve prepared him for adulthood, cross your fingers and let him fly.

After 5 years of sons at uni I've learned that contact usually increases when they are less happy. So no news really is good news.
It's still hard for me. I love their company and conversation when they are around and miss them when they are away.
I do think that phone calls are generally disliked by this generation. They will do anything to avoid picking up the phone.
DS1 was pretty good at Skyping once a week or so and now working he actually phones me.
DS2 loathes Skype and phones. I message him about little chatty things and send him pictures of his cat so we generally have some communication going even if I rarely get to hear his voice.
WhatsApp is pretty much identical to Messenger OP.

I agree with GamerChick on P1 and Rade just above.
I have a ds who was away for 3 yrs and now have a dd at University. Neither of them phone me, and I don't really expect them to.

I think that is positive. We do have WhatsApp chats sometimes though.

Whats App works for us, it is a family group, we can send pics to each other as well.

I have a DD who graduates this summer and I HATE talking on the phone!!! Texts, emails, WhatsApp: yes. But phone: no. My own mum can’t get her head around this.

Personally I think your expectations are too high, it almost sounds like you are sitting waiting for the call and dwelling on it. Can you remember what you were like at his age, was your priority to ring your parent's?
I speak as a mum to 2 boys at university, one is good at initiating contact on Whatsapp and will reply to my texts. My other son reads but does not respond, it is like having a conversation with yourself. However it does not stop me continuing and I still message and send them pictures and videos of silly things, I have just sent one of the cat this morning. Likewise with both it is usually me who instigates phone calls, I do not keep count of whose turn it is I am just pleased when they answer.

Hardly heard from DS when he was at university- now he's 23 and away in the forces and recently moaned that his letters and parcels from us must be getting lost in the mail. So I've started writing to him and sending snacks which seem to be going down well. DH sends lots of WhatsApp messages with about a 10% response rate.

I so totally hear you op

What makes it harder for me is when my friends with daughters the same age as ds tell me how their dd is their best friend and calls up for cosy chats and they have girly days out... Just makes me feel even more alone

ssd Agree about the "friends wih daughters". My sister's DD rings every single day. I don't necessarily think that's a good thing though. They should be busy working and having fun but it's not unreasonable to at least keep in touch with home.

The telephone avoidance can become a problem when they start looking for jobs. Lots of employers do initial interviews by phone and some phone technique is useful for any workplace.

Daughters aren't a guarantee of closeness. It's about half and half with my male/female friends who is close to their mum or not. I barely contacted my mum whole at uni apart from the odd text, I was too busy becoming an adult!

I find that strange ssd.
I have 1 ds and 2 dds. Much more likely to have a chat or day out with ds than either dd. He isn't my 'best friend' though - that would be weird. I am his Mum. I think any young adult relying on their Mum to be their 'best friend' is a big parenting fail.
It is dd1 who is currently away at University. We chat on Whatsapp or text sometimes, as I did with ds, but don't phone each other.