When student DC come home for the holidays...

[Bobochic]

What are your expectations of you and of them regarding hygiene (personal, bedrooms, clothing), participation in family life, freedom to come and go as they please?

DD is expected to keep her room tidy and regards washing clothes she will do her own but if I am loading the washing machine and it isn't full I will ask if she has anything she wants to add. I don't really have to tackle personal hygiene with her as she has a bath or shower daily.

DD is 20 so she can come and go without restrictions but I always check she has her keys. If she is out of an evening and likely to be home very late I expect her to be considerate of the fact that the rest of the family are usually in bed asleep when she returns. I always ask if she wants to join a family outing but she has the option to refuse however she very rarely does.

Both dd have part time jobs when they come home and will sometimes prepare their own food if not going to be around for family meals and will even help me prepare meals ( or will sometimes make arrangements to meet up with friends so don't expect them to eat with us all the time, but do expect them to let me know so I don't cook unnecessarily!)
Likewise with washing if I'm doing a load will put their clothes in too, although they know how to use washing machine so can do their own washing...as far as rooms are concerned , I don't go there- it's up to them to keep their rooms tidy!! ( it's their mess, they can clean it up, although get them to empty their bins weekly!!)
If they're going out at night, check if they're coming home/ have taxi money and keys but don't dictate what time they need to be home

Want to add when I say DD is expected to keep her room tidy I don't mean immaculate. Tidy for DD is having a visible floor and clothes and make up put away.

When the dses come home, I expect a bit of consideration with regards to comings and goings - ie. if they are going to be in for tea, or if they are out and about, and will feed themselves. And I like to know if they are going to be back really late, or out all night - just for information's sake.

I do get a bit pissed off if they go out, and stay out late, but haven't remembered to take their keys with them!

With regards to their rooms - I don't tidy up after them - if they choose to live in a pigsty, that is up to them. I sometimes go in and have a tidy up and clean once they go back to University.

I do expect them to keep the main bathroom relatively hygienic - dh and I have an en suite, so the main bathroom is theirs, most of the time, and I don't think it is unreasonable to expect them to clean up after themselves.

We don't do the piles of laundry they bring home with them - they have to do all of that, sort it out and iron it etc, but once that's done, they put stuff in the washing basket, and it's done as part of the household laundry.

Mine have the freedom to come and go as they please - but I do like to be kept informed e.g. If they are going clubbing, I want to know so I don't start worrying if they are not home by 2am, likewise if they are not intending to come home at night. I also get asked if others can stay the night - although if it is a last minute thing (e.g. friend struggling to get home) that is fine too.
I expect them to 'muck in' as a family member e.g. Take responsibility for cooking some of the week, emptying dishwasher, filling and emptying washing machine etc. I expect crockery to be brought down from bedrooms and they obviously have to be responsible for their own bedrooms.
They are invited on any family day out, get together etc. as they are family.
I have found that now they don't live here full-time, they want to be included in family things!

Oh - and we do ask them to do some odd jobs around the house.

Last year, ds3 over spent (he'd miscalculated the money he had coming in from the student loan people), and we had to bail him out - so he had to pay that back through doing some fence painting, lawn mowing and car cleaning.

I did ask ds2 to give the kitchen a quick once-over, and he went a bit bonkers - I found him clearing out cupboards, getting rid of stuff that was out of date (), cleaning and reorganising them. All I'd wanted was a quick wipedown of the work tops and the hob! I didn't stop him.

I expect her to let me know if she's not planning on coming home or being in for dinner. She keeps her bedroom door closed which is just as well as it's mess. But she packs up everything off the floor when she goes back to uni so that's fine.
She's much more helpful in the kitchen now and stacks the dishwasher and cleans up after herself and us!
DD2 hasn't been home yet but she has complained a lot about the mess of the communal area of her flat so I expect her to be much improved too.

Thanks. I'm currently suffering a bit from DSSs wanting to come home for reading week and treating it as if they were having a week in a 5*!hotel. This isn't compatible with work/school routines for the rest of us.

DD is usually pretty self caring! but has also stepped it up a gear this year and has been tutoring her younger brothers (without coercion), making dinner for all of us (not every night.....thank God ) and even giving the dog a bath and hair cut.

Don't know what has come over her!

DD ususually picks up her part time job in a local restaurant but mucks in with her share of chores. She is really good at cooking dinner and cleaning the kitchen now as she has a job as a cook in the student union cafe at college. I expect her to let me know if she is going to be out very late or overnight but she doesn't tend to do that when she is home as she doesn't really have many friends here anymore - she likes to chill and hang out with us which is lovely. She does clean etc without being asked.

My house is treated as a hotel anyway so there will be no change there!

As far as going out is concerned go where you want and when you want but I need to know if they are not here for meals and it would be nice to know when they will be home.

Ds is 18 and if he is out in the car there is still a curfew (he can stop out but car has to be back!). His dad is very strict about this.

Why is it always the step parents who raise these issues on MN? I suspect it's because the Cinderalla and Snow White stories are so true to life really. If it is your own child you tolerate it. If it's not you resent the child.

I have found that they are much nicer and more appreciative afrer a few weeks at Uni. DD2 is now in her second year and in a really grim student house. She has a massive new appreciation of a warm house and a decent bathroom.

As to behaviour, basically I expect the same standards and level of mucking in as when they lived here full time.

It's my DS's home. I have no expectations of him other than those I have for anyone else living in the house. He and his siblings have their own rooms. We don't really have rules but expect a certain level of consideration and common sense which they don't seem to find difficult as they're reasonably sensible and loving. I want them to see their home as a sanctuary and somewhere that they are always unconditionally loved and welcome. I would NEVER attach conditions to or quibble about them coming home.

They have jobs assigned to them, have to let me know whether they will be in for meals... although they rarely are. So they cook for themselves.
I don't care what time they come in as long as they don't wake me up. I don't wait up.

Fatted calf here I am so ecstatic see them. [Blush]

Exactly Backingsinger. I really can't ever imagine saying to my DS that his presence isn't compatible with our normal routines. I love him too much.

I quite like my DD being away at university😂
It's less dramatic in the house.
She's only back for 2 weeks at Xmas too.

When I made flying visits from university my mum always spoiled me; prepared my favourite food, turned around my washing etc.

I think if it were ten weeks that level of nurturing might run thin , but not short visits surely?

I'm not sure that your experience of being an only DC of sedentary parents a generation ago is very relevant, Carl. Life has moved on!

When ds2 or ds3 arrive for a flying visit, dragging huge kitbags full of laundry with them, I'm afraid they have to do it themselves, GetAHaircutCarl.

If I know they are coming, I will make the dinners something I know they like, but I don't go out of my way - it's still normal family food.

So there's no spoiling here, even on flying visits - but it doesn't seem to have put them off at all - they're still happy to come home, and come home frequently!

Pressed enter too soon.

I guess the key phrase is 'come home' - this is still their home, and when they are here, I expect life to continue like family life did. It changes, of course, as they grow up, make new friends, discover new hobbies - get old enough to go to the pub with their friends instead of hanging out at each others houses - but it is still home.

And because it's home, I don't consider them to be guests needing special treatment - I am who I always was - mum - with my flaws and failings - and they seem to be OK with that.

I'm a student. When I come home I'm expected to:

Do own washing.
Cook own food (unless we're all eating together due to all being home).
Buy own food that parents don't have e.g takeout, chocolate etc.
Hoover and dust, clean kitchen over.
Bedroom kept clean.
I can come and go but I like to let parents know where I am/when I'll be home if its super late so they don't worry - not come in at stupid hours like 1am.

They're not as expectant of cleaning etc (which I did before I moved away anyway) if its a reading week - these aren't weeks off, they're for catching up with work etc and they understand I have stuff to do.

My university aged DC just slot back into the house and life seamlessly. I do always make an effort to see the house is looking pretty for them though and if possible make their favourite supper etc, lay in the things each of them likes and certainly do all their washing if only because it's far easier for me. We have a tiny house though, so if they're out very late I do ask them to try not to wake the school aged DC (or me, or the dog and the puppy!) and if they're going to stay out overnight I ask to be told so that I don't worry about them. It's very much not a big deal and I hugely enjoy having them back - they're good company!

Indeed. 4am showers (post God knows what...) aren't compatible with DD's 8am start