My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Higher education

When student DC come home for the holidays...

55 replies

Bobochic · 14/11/2016 11:14

What are your expectations of you and of them regarding hygiene (personal, bedrooms, clothing), participation in family life, freedom to come and go as they please?

OP posts:
Report
Manumission · 23/11/2016 14:53

Wow, that's very personal and very rude, isn't it? Where did you get that information from, OP? All of our experience of being at university is a generation ago, surely?

Oh don't mind BoBo. Personal and rude are her USPs Grin

Report
Needmoresleep · 23/11/2016 13:31

Ultimate stealth boast. Gap year DD is currently baking some bread as we have run out. And I am too lazy to go out and buy some.

Report
Needmoresleep · 23/11/2016 13:22

A polite adult to adult conversation at the start of the day. When to do plan to come home. Do you want dinner. We are having...

Then leave it to get cold if they don't appear. If they complain, remind them that they failed to phone to say they would be late. If they don't like what you plan to cook, negotiate on your terms, like using chicken rather than salmon if you have both in the fridge. But if the salmon needs eating up, that's what is being cooked by you and they can cook something else themselves.

If washing is in the basket and it is no trouble, add it to the machine. If not, their problem.

In short, treat them like adults. Treating them like spoilt children will do them no favours in the longer term. I hope your husband can see that.

I used to work full time, run a business and keep an eye on elderly parents, with no money for cleaners etc. It was very hard, but now see advantage in the fact the rest of the family had to muck in. If neither of us were around, and at one point I had to spend the better part of three months sorting out my mum, the kids had to boil their own pasta and heat a sauce. I guess it evolved rather than us think about it. But it has clearly saved us some heartache down the line, to DCs benefit as well.

Report
TinklyLittleLaugh · 23/11/2016 12:26

Showing up on time for family meals and mentioning if you are going out late is just general courtesy though isn't it? Presumably they paid attention to the basic niceties before they went to University so why they forgotten them now? Do they think they are adults now and therefore somehow unaccountable to anyone?

I imagine your DH shows up on time for meals and keeps you informed of his plans. Maybe point this out.

Report
senua · 23/11/2016 11:56

I'm curious as to how other families sort these issues out

You lay down ground rules. I said to the DC that the relationship had moved on; I wasn't their minder any more, it was up to them what they got up to but as a courtesy I'd like (a) to know if they wanted feeding at dinner time and (b) to tell me if they weren't coming back after a night out, so I wouldn't worry.
In your situation, if DSS woke DD at 4am then I'd make darned sure that I woke DSS at 8am and ask him how he liked it. 'Do as you would be done by' is not a bad motto.
They are used to living with other students who keep strange hours. Remind them that it's different at home.

Report
OohhThatsMe · 23/11/2016 11:43

I'm not sure that your experience of being an only DC of sedentary parents a generation ago is very relevant, Carl. Life has moved on!

Wow, that's very personal and very rude, isn't it? Where did you get that information from, OP? All of our experience of being at university is a generation ago, surely?

Report
Bobochic · 23/11/2016 11:29

I'm not resentful of my DSSs - they are generally fantastic. But university life doesn't do much for skills such as showing up on time for family meals and remembering to mention that you are going out late. I'm curious as to how other families sort these issues out ;)

OP posts:
Report
TinklyLittleLaugh · 23/11/2016 11:08

Flying visit then I would cook a favourite meal. And if necessary I would chuck a bag of washing into the machine and bung it in the dryer. My kids are nice though: I'm sure they would do the same for me.

You sound a bit resentful of your DSs Bobo. It is probably difficult to deal with teens who have been partly raised with someone else's values.

Blue you should have walked when that arrogant little git spoke to you like that. Good cleaners are worth their weight in gold: I'll bet his mother would have been mortified.

Report
Love51 · 22/11/2016 22:54

I was an arse. I stayed at my parents for reading weeks as I could study there and see my boyfriend after. 9-5 were study hours. Damn my mum finishing work early (4pm) and wanting to come home and Talk to me! The imposition! Did she not know I was working and didn't have time for her nonsense!
I cooked once a week and cleaned the bathroom, which had always been my job at home as I hated hoovering. Plus normal family things, like pegging washing out, walking the dog, etc. But I was still an arse, I tend to be when my brain is stretched!

Report
notquiteruralbliss · 22/11/2016 22:47

I like older DCs coming home. There again, I also like older DCs.

Report
Comenext · 22/11/2016 22:39

goodbyestranger
Oddly enough I am very happy living here with DH and our pets. It's just the DDs who upset me to be honest. I did not realise how much until they left to go to Uni in October. Life has been so much nicer since they left.

Report
goodbyestranger · 22/11/2016 22:08

Comenext it sounds desperate for you - you can't possibly stay in a house like that with a husband like that. I agree - leave. Poor you.

Report
BackforGood · 22/11/2016 21:01

Mine doesn't bring home washing, but while he is here, I will bung his stuff in with all the rest of the family's as I did when he was living at home. If he wants to iron anything then he'd do that himself (as when he was at home).
Personal hygiene isn't an issue, if anything it's getting him out of the shower or bath that is.
He can come and go as he pleases, as long as he lets me have some idea if he would like a meal / if he and his girlfriend would like a meal / if no-one is eating here. If he's here over the holidays then he will cook for us all at some point, will join us when one of us cooks occasionally and will also cook his own stuff at different hours. This tends to be around his work though - as he works either early, mid, or late shifts so his mealtimes will naturally be different.
Depends what you mean by 'participating in family life' - he opts in when he can, but also wants to see his (school) friends, and to see his girlfriend and spend time with her family, and also work. That isn't much different from before he left for University though - that's the life of a teen with a social life.

Report
Doilooklikeatourist · 22/11/2016 20:58

DS will only be home for a few days at Christmas.
DD about 3 weeks , she will behave a bit like a princess , but she does waitress part time locally , so will do that
She doesn't drive (DS does , but has no car , and is not driving mine ! )
So there will be a bit of picking up and dropping off .
They do their own washing , and help with shopping , cooking and cleaning ( may not be quite up to my standard ... )
If they go out with their friends , they text me HOME so I know they're back safely
I'm glad to see them , and I know they both appreciate a bit of TLC when they're here

Report
Blueisnotforglue · 22/11/2016 20:47

Leave. Leave and don't look back.

Report
Comenext · 22/11/2016 20:46

goodbyestranger Yes, I feel it is extremely controlling behaviour. Unfortunately my DH says he is choosing them over me so where do I stand in all this?. The irony is they both won't stay in the same room as DH. Neither of them will let him visit them at University because they are too embarrassed by him.

Report
Blueisnotforglue · 22/11/2016 20:45

Comenext....wow

Report
goodbyestranger · 22/11/2016 20:41

Wow Comenext the behaviour you describe is off the scale.

Report
Comenext · 22/11/2016 20:28

Blue is not for glue Consider yourself highly honoured. My DD2 refuses to even speak to our cleaner

Report
Blueisnotforglue · 22/11/2016 20:13

I clean for a family with student DC.

Last time the DS came home he was lying on his bed when I went into his room, he turned over, looked at me and said

"There's some mugs and plates under the bed, mum wants them downstairs". He then lay there whilst I dug under his bed for them Hmm

Slightly off topic but just thought I'd add that in here. I doubt any of your kids are that bad or rude!

Report
VanillaSugarAndChristmasSpice · 22/11/2016 20:12

Burn your chequebook.

Report
Manumission · 22/11/2016 20:11

Blimey. Stop driving her for a start. It's not up to your DH whether you choose to chauffeur them around.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Comenext · 22/11/2016 20:10

I have talked to DH about their behaviour and he agrees with me it is grim but he does not want to do anything about it.
I am being bullied in my own home, particularly by DD2, who treats me like a skivvy (with a cheque book)
Short of moving out and leaving DH to face the music, I can't see a way forward.

Report
Manumission · 22/11/2016 20:05

(I mean, you are allowed to assert yourself and insist on decent behaviour, you know. It's not all over because they're young adults.)

Report
Manumission · 22/11/2016 20:03

comenext if mine behaved like that, it wouldn't be me dreading Christmas. Do something about it.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.