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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

When student DC come home for the holidays...

55 replies

Bobochic · 14/11/2016 11:14

What are your expectations of you and of them regarding hygiene (personal, bedrooms, clothing), participation in family life, freedom to come and go as they please?

OP posts:
goodbyestranger · 22/11/2016 18:50

Yes 4am showers would be an absolute no no - the shower is between DD4's room and mine where the dog and puppy also sleep so no, it wouldn't happen. The fact that the water would be stone cold at 4am would act as a good deterrent in any event!

Comenext · 22/11/2016 19:54

Bobochic I agree with you about the 5* hotel.
Very much so. I am expected to pick the DDs up from their Universities and bring them home (separately) at my own expense. Then I am expected to provide free laundry service (machines in uni cost too much apparently)
Then I am expected to provide and serve meals which must be high quality food which they then decide is the wrong stuff and put in the recycling bin.
Meanwhile they sneer at both of us and our home and are clearly embarrassed by us.
All in all I am dreading Christmas vacation. Should I feel like this?

sendsummer · 22/11/2016 19:55

I suppose with some young adult DCs it requires ongoing parenting to encourage consideration of others and less self-centeredness whether with family members or with friends in a shared house.

Crispsheets · 22/11/2016 19:59

come next why are you enabling them?

Manumission · 22/11/2016 20:02

Mine just slots back in. But all my teens know how to operate a cooker and a washing machine.

Manumission · 22/11/2016 20:03

comenext if mine behaved like that, it wouldn't be me dreading Christmas. Do something about it.

Manumission · 22/11/2016 20:05

(I mean, you are allowed to assert yourself and insist on decent behaviour, you know. It's not all over because they're young adults.)

Comenext · 22/11/2016 20:10

I have talked to DH about their behaviour and he agrees with me it is grim but he does not want to do anything about it.
I am being bullied in my own home, particularly by DD2, who treats me like a skivvy (with a cheque book)
Short of moving out and leaving DH to face the music, I can't see a way forward.

Manumission · 22/11/2016 20:11

Blimey. Stop driving her for a start. It's not up to your DH whether you choose to chauffeur them around.

VanillaSugarAndChristmasSpice · 22/11/2016 20:12

Burn your chequebook.

Blueisnotforglue · 22/11/2016 20:13

I clean for a family with student DC.

Last time the DS came home he was lying on his bed when I went into his room, he turned over, looked at me and said

"There's some mugs and plates under the bed, mum wants them downstairs". He then lay there whilst I dug under his bed for them Hmm

Slightly off topic but just thought I'd add that in here. I doubt any of your kids are that bad or rude!

Comenext · 22/11/2016 20:28

Blue is not for glue Consider yourself highly honoured. My DD2 refuses to even speak to our cleaner

goodbyestranger · 22/11/2016 20:41

Wow Comenext the behaviour you describe is off the scale.

Blueisnotforglue · 22/11/2016 20:45

Comenext....wow

Comenext · 22/11/2016 20:46

goodbyestranger Yes, I feel it is extremely controlling behaviour. Unfortunately my DH says he is choosing them over me so where do I stand in all this?. The irony is they both won't stay in the same room as DH. Neither of them will let him visit them at University because they are too embarrassed by him.

Blueisnotforglue · 22/11/2016 20:47

Leave. Leave and don't look back.

Doilooklikeatourist · 22/11/2016 20:58

DS will only be home for a few days at Christmas.

DD about 3 weeks , she will behave a bit like a princess , but she does waitress part time locally , so will do that
She doesn't drive (DS does , but has no car , and is not driving mine ! )
So there will be a bit of picking up and dropping off .
They do their own washing , and help with shopping , cooking and cleaning ( may not be quite up to my standard ... )
If they go out with their friends , they text me HOME so I know they're back safely
I'm glad to see them , and I know they both appreciate a bit of TLC when they're here

BackforGood · 22/11/2016 21:01

Mine doesn't bring home washing, but while he is here, I will bung his stuff in with all the rest of the family's as I did when he was living at home. If he wants to iron anything then he'd do that himself (as when he was at home).
Personal hygiene isn't an issue, if anything it's getting him out of the shower or bath that is.
He can come and go as he pleases, as long as he lets me have some idea if he would like a meal / if he and his girlfriend would like a meal / if no-one is eating here. If he's here over the holidays then he will cook for us all at some point, will join us when one of us cooks occasionally and will also cook his own stuff at different hours. This tends to be around his work though - as he works either early, mid, or late shifts so his mealtimes will naturally be different.
Depends what you mean by 'participating in family life' - he opts in when he can, but also wants to see his (school) friends, and to see his girlfriend and spend time with her family, and also work. That isn't much different from before he left for University though - that's the life of a teen with a social life.

goodbyestranger · 22/11/2016 22:08

Comenext it sounds desperate for you - you can't possibly stay in a house like that with a husband like that. I agree - leave. Poor you.

Comenext · 22/11/2016 22:39

goodbyestranger
Oddly enough I am very happy living here with DH and our pets. It's just the DDs who upset me to be honest. I did not realise how much until they left to go to Uni in October. Life has been so much nicer since they left.

notquiteruralbliss · 22/11/2016 22:47

I like older DCs coming home. There again, I also like older DCs.

Love51 · 22/11/2016 22:54

I was an arse. I stayed at my parents for reading weeks as I could study there and see my boyfriend after. 9-5 were study hours. Damn my mum finishing work early (4pm) and wanting to come home and Talk to me! The imposition! Did she not know I was working and didn't have time for her nonsense!
I cooked once a week and cleaned the bathroom, which had always been my job at home as I hated hoovering. Plus normal family things, like pegging washing out, walking the dog, etc. But I was still an arse, I tend to be when my brain is stretched!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 23/11/2016 11:08

Flying visit then I would cook a favourite meal. And if necessary I would chuck a bag of washing into the machine and bung it in the dryer. My kids are nice though: I'm sure they would do the same for me.

You sound a bit resentful of your DSs Bobo. It is probably difficult to deal with teens who have been partly raised with someone else's values.

Blue you should have walked when that arrogant little git spoke to you like that. Good cleaners are worth their weight in gold: I'll bet his mother would have been mortified.

Original poster
Bobochic · 23/11/2016 11:29

I'm not resentful of my DSSs - they are generally fantastic. But university life doesn't do much for skills such as showing up on time for family meals and remembering to mention that you are going out late. I'm curious as to how other families sort these issues out ;)

OP posts:
OohhThatsMe · 23/11/2016 11:43

I'm not sure that your experience of being an only DC of sedentary parents a generation ago is very relevant, Carl. Life has moved on!

Wow, that's very personal and very rude, isn't it? Where did you get that information from, OP? All of our experience of being at university is a generation ago, surely?