A polite adult to adult conversation at the start of the day. When to do plan to come home. Do you want dinner. We are having...
Then leave it to get cold if they don't appear. If they complain, remind them that they failed to phone to say they would be late. If they don't like what you plan to cook, negotiate on your terms, like using chicken rather than salmon if you have both in the fridge. But if the salmon needs eating up, that's what is being cooked by you and they can cook something else themselves.
If washing is in the basket and it is no trouble, add it to the machine. If not, their problem.
In short, treat them like adults. Treating them like spoilt children will do them no favours in the longer term. I hope your husband can see that.
I used to work full time, run a business and keep an eye on elderly parents, with no money for cleaners etc. It was very hard, but now see advantage in the fact the rest of the family had to muck in. If neither of us were around, and at one point I had to spend the better part of three months sorting out my mum, the kids had to boil their own pasta and heat a sauce. I guess it evolved rather than us think about it. But it has clearly saved us some heartache down the line, to DCs benefit as well.