Frequency of call home when away at uni - how much is reasonable

[pinktele]

My DS is now in his 3rd year at uni. He has never been great at communicating - most of the time will answer a call at the weekend but not always though seems to really enjoy being home in the holidays and participates well in family life then. I have worked out that he doesn't mind me visiting, say twice a term to take him out for a coffee (uni is only 45 minutes away so that works for me). However, sometimes he goes 3+ weeks not answering any communication at all (usually at times of stress). I just wanted to know if this is usual/normal or is it ok to feel in turn frantically worried/angry/like the worst mother in having brought up a son who thinks its ok to blank his mother for weeks?

In my experience I contacted my parents more when I was fragile / needy / skint. If his grades are Ok and he looks reasonably healthy then I'd take it as a sign he's having fun!

Well my dd is 18 and off to uni this year.

Considering I am more likely to receive a text from her whilst she's still in her room rather than a face to face conversation, I am keeping communication expectations low

My son is very similar to yours. He has just come back for the weekend and been very sociable, so I think everything's fine, he's just getting on with his life. When he first went, I texted him twice in the first week and he said I was contacting him too much!

I used to ring my parents once every 2-3 weeks but then in those days it was a 15 minute walk to the nearest phone box, and a queue in the rain if someone was already there.
If they were lucky I wrote a letter a couple of times a term.
Rarely saw them during term time.
But I guess things have changed in 30 years Does any student still write letters??

Please please please don't feel angry or bitter if he doesn't phone you that often. My mother was very bitter when I was at university and went more than a week without phoning. She'd scream that I was selfish and just out to have a good time and never thought about her stuck at home. It was horrible and got to the point that I never told her about going out or my friends or what we'd been up to - and even now our relationship isn't great.

We are a family that always tends to work on no news being good news. They are having too much fun to be pining for home.

I'm a uni student and tbh I'm so busy doing stuff with friends or doing work or just getting some down time that I often forget to ring my mum, she normally calls me. Usually we'll talk twice a week, but it can be a bit less frequent.

If he's never been much of a communicator, and you don't think he's desperately unhappy, then I think you just have to accept that's the way he is, and don't beat yourself (or him) up about it.

I barely communicated with my parents in termtime while at uni, though as above that was in the days of the 'one phone box per 200 students' but that didn't mean they were bad parents or that I was a horrible person, I think.

You could try a wider range of communication if phone calls aren't really his thing. A short email or a chat on Skype can be much easier to give a quick response to without feeling you have to have a 'proper' conversation, and would at least reassure you that he is still alive and conscious.

Slightly different perspective as I'm considerably older than your son and not at Uni, but I would happily go a few weeks at a time without speaking to my mum, now and especially when I was younger and had more of an active social life. I just didn't feel the need for that contact, my view is that if there's something important she needs me to know she will and vice versa. She still, even though I'm a fully grown adult, doesn't like it and gets sulky if I don't phone her 'for a chat' every few days now. Don't be like my mum!

Could you perhaps ask him just to text you once a week on a certain day to let you know he's alive and kicking? With no expectation on him to engage in any sort of conversation? That way you get the reassurance you need, and he doesn't feel pressured into responding to you if he doesn't feel like it, and perhaps then when you do speak you'll both get more out of it?

I used to queue for phone box every Sunday evening for my 4 years away but our kids text a few times a week if they aren't busy (otherwise I just text 'are u alive?). DH skype a them every couple of weeks arranging time by text and eldest comes home in the holidays (4th yr) while youngest (1st yr) comes home so far every 6 weeks or so. He probably needs good and washing though! I think if you hassle he will pull back. And you visit TWICE a term?!?! It's univers, they are supposed to be independent.

seeline - I was exactly the same - at university 35 years ago . It was practically unheard of to call more than a couple of times a term, unless you needed money.

My friend has a student dd who texts her 20+ a day, plus calls every night - surely that is being over dependent on your parents?

I have no expectations that my DS will keep in touch if/when he goes into further education. .

DS started uni in September. The first few days there were a lot of texts of a very practical "how do I" nature. Since then he has settled on roughly twice a week on skype and the odd text every few days. No phone calls though.
In every case when I haven't heard from him it has been because he was having fun and not because something was wrong.
He came home once in the first term and may do the same this term but I don't expect it in any case it will be to see his gf not us.

I would be anxious if I had tried to contact him and failed to get a response for three weeks.
Actually I think if your DS isn't good at calling or skyping then a coffee twice a term sounds fine.

When I was at Uni, one payphone between 360 students - the parents were lucky to hear from me once a term.

When my kids have been away on overseas school trips, I seem to be the only parent who gets less than three texts and no calls per week.
BUT
I know that both my kids have a fab time.

I regularly go for weeks without speaking to either of my parents. Its the way it is.

My son was just the same, OP. He's 28 now, living on the other side of the world and still not the greatest communicator but improving. Despite him not being brilliant at keeping in touch always, when he does we Skype for hours. I feel we have a great relationship and I accept it is just part of 'him' rather than a deficit in my parenting or our relationship. He is beginning to make more of an effort now he is older, so often it's just a case of them getting on with life, being young and a little wrapped up in themselves, and gaining greater emotional maturity and empathy as they get older.
Please try not to guilt trip him about this, it won't help your relationship.

Saying that, I know it's not always easy to deal with emotionally so I do empathise with you OP. Just hang on in there. It's not always easy when our children spread their wings. Be pleased for him that he is off leading a full, good life and enjoying himself; that is a blessing.

We have never really done phone calls unless rare moments of crisis and have preferred to use facebook messenger to keep in touch. Email is a complete waste of time as they never check it but both DDs will reply to messages. I'd rather get lots of small communications than infrequent big ones.

DS started uni last term. Texts were infrequent after the first week. He'd sometimes reply to mine.

He was lovely over the Xmas hols; it was incredible how much he had matured whilst he was away. We had the best family Xmas we've ever had - I think because everyone was so pleased to have him back, and he was far more engaged with the family than previously.

I haven't heard from him yet this term... I'm sure it's just because he's so busy. I keep reminding myself that if he was unhappy then I would probably hear more from him.

pinktele what we're experiencing doesn't seem to be that unusual, especially for boys. Not long till Easter!

DD and I rarely speak on the phone but we do text and/or snapchat several times a week. She comes home for Christmas, Easter and at some point in the summer. She came home last weekend as a surprise for me (the rest of the family knew but not me). We're meeting up with her at MILs the week after next and it will soon be easter. She has commented that we will be sick of the sight of her this year!

I think it depends how close you are tbh. When I was at uni my mum would phone once a week, usually a Sunday, and we'd chat for around an hour or so. And we'd text in the week. But we are quite close. I hardly ever spoke to my dad despite them both being there (although my mum probably just relayed everything anyway).

I didn't go to Uni, but did leave home at 17 to house share with friends. I rarely phoned my DM. We didn't have a phone in the house (and this was pre- mobiles/texts/laptops) so I would have to go to the phone box, or just turn up at their house. To be honest, i only contact her a couple of times per month now unless there is something going on that needs organising. I never phone just 'for a chat'. Ever.

DS will be going away in about 18 months or so to Uni (hopefully) and I don't expect to hear from him that often. As long as he sends a quick email/text a couple of times per month that'll be enough for me.

I only ever used to text my mum and dad. I wouldn't actually speak to them on the phone at all. The only time we spoke was when I went home!

DD moved out at 16

We text of FB frequently but as the terms have progressed the types of texts have changed from the frantic how do I? questions to more thoughts and trying to sort ideas out in her head

Somedays I have 25+ texts other I here nothing from 'morning' to 'sleep well'

But I think the excessive communication is because she is younger

We speak with ds about twice a week, just general banter, but then we have always been a chatty family. I send him links to things I think might interest him, the way I always have done, for example I cut and pasted something from the thread on here about attendance. He has been ill and he has been interning so I felt it was important he recognised what lecturers felt about absences. But then I'm always sending stuff to my family and friends that I think they might think is interesting nobody has said stop sending stuff so I hope I've got it right.
We have a family fb messenger group so we all know what's going on. It's not always about him but he likes to know what we are doing. It works for us but he contacts us to call him.

My kids phone when they need money. Er, that's it. They reply to texts about practical things. Only one is on FB and I'm not allowed to be friends with her.

Mind you, when I was at university 40 years ago I never phoned home (payphones only in those days), I never went home for weekends during term time - admittedly it was 100 miles distance, but there were trains. If they were lucky I might write once a week, college work and social life permitting.

My parents were fine with that, and I'm fine with my kids not communicating. This is precisely the period they're building their own lives.

If anything is ever wrong I'm sure I'll find out (eventually).

Ds used to phone once a week and we'd often text about random things at other times too. He was poorly for a few days just before his dissertation was due in so his calls were more frequent then!

Thanks for all the messages and reassurance. When he is not communicating he doesn't reply to any type of contact, Facebook, texts or anything - it is that which worries me. I have tried to tell him that all I need is two words to say he's fine but it obviously hasn't got through to him. I do try to keep my msgs light and friendly but I probably do need to try to back off a little I think.