Frequency of call home when away at uni - how much is reasonable

[pinktele]

My DS is now in his 3rd year at uni. He has never been great at communicating - most of the time will answer a call at the weekend but not always though seems to really enjoy being home in the holidays and participates well in family life then. I have worked out that he doesn't mind me visiting, say twice a term to take him out for a coffee (uni is only 45 minutes away so that works for me). However, sometimes he goes 3+ weeks not answering any communication at all (usually at times of stress). I just wanted to know if this is usual/normal or is it ok to feel in turn frantically worried/angry/like the worst mother in having brought up a son who thinks its ok to blank his mother for weeks?

I used to write a letter home once a week, and get one in return. I never phoned - far too expensive - and never went home during term. My parents used to come down for the day at half term (they were teachers).

DD emails, but not really "news". It tends to be very brief comments about sports which normally we watch together. Though sometimes it's "I got an A!!!" or "how long do you cook pasta bake?" or "am I supposed to wash whites separately?" (we never do at home, so she was a bit bemused by her friends).

If she needs something urgently, or a chat, she phones. I can't phone her because the reception in her room is awful so she doesn't get it.

DH is friends with her on facebook, but she doesn't put much on there. It was nice to see a few pictures go up of her obviously having a good time with her new flatmates in the first couple of weeks.

A four-word duty text is too much to ask of some people. You cannot make a blanket statement about everyone's relationships.

Obviously I'm talking about families fitting within the very broad parameters of "normal". If the student has good reasons for detaching themselves, then all bets are off....

Skylark - that's another reason I don't really phone DD - her phone reception is appalling in her room and it just turns into a major stress fest!

I don't phone dd either. She had a 20 minute walk to lectures, and sometimes rings to chat as she walks. I do text though- and send pictures of the animals and things like that. If I didn't hear anything at all for, say, 10 days, I would worry.

I assume no news is good news until about ten days for the girls and two to three weeks for the boys, after which I assume no news is bad news and set out to track them down (by e-mail/ phone/ spy (they're were or are at the same uni so I can usually find out news via a sibling) - I've avoided fb since its inception, just because of the teenage privacy thing). Usually though, I don't have to resort to measures but it's not like I'm inundated with calls.

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I recall that after I had not been in touch for a month my mother left a message at the porter's lodge asking me to confirm that I was still there/alive. (That was before mobile phones.) I recall the ones who phoned home a lot were either unhappy, or had a particularly close relationship with a parent. I do not think there is a set pattern.

When my DT's started their first year at Uni in 2013 they went completely incommunicado for the best part of three months......

I tried to be relaxed about it, but found it hard, I didn't want to be the nagging parent so gritted my teeth and sent the odd chatty text without hassling them if they didn't get back to me. I kept saying to myself they were fine, if there weren't they'd be on the phone all the time!

They have been much better this 2nd year with texts and calls fortnightly or so which is fine - I think they just wanted to assert their independence and having done so are back to normal communication!

I won't lie though and say I was fine with it, I found it hard and was a little resentful at times!

in my experience once a term was adequet for me :)
but then i had to queue for a phonebox