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Higher education

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Original poster

Frequency of call home when away at uni - how much is reasonable

85 replies

pinktele · 08/02/2015 15:18

My DS is now in his 3rd year at uni. He has never been great at communicating - most of the time will answer a call at the weekend but not always though seems to really enjoy being home in the holidays and participates well in family life then. I have worked out that he doesn't mind me visiting, say twice a term to take him out for a coffee (uni is only 45 minutes away so that works for me). However, sometimes he goes 3+ weeks not answering any communication at all (usually at times of stress). I just wanted to know if this is usual/normal or is it ok to feel in turn frantically worried/angry/like the worst mother in having brought up a son who thinks its ok to blank his mother for weeks?

OP posts:
MirandaWest · 09/02/2015 09:05

I had to call my mum and dad once a week (Wednesday) and write a letter which got posted on Monday. I also got a letter once a week. Not sure what would have happened if I hadn't but I would have been in a lot of trouble. I won't be insisting my DC have that level of communication

motherinferior · 09/02/2015 09:13

I spoke to my parents as rarely as I could, when I was at university, and refused to give them my address. I hope that my relationship with my own daughters will be better than that, but I think forcing 'duty' texts or calls on someone is unkind, and presupposes that they don't resent having to do it.

chemenger · 09/02/2015 09:16

I was forced to phone once a week and I resented it. My dad literally did not speak to me on the phone at all but was the one who insisted my mother did. After my mother died he made my brother phone me and became obsessive about it. This culminated in him getting my brother to call personnel at my work to get a contact number for me when I was on a course, in case I failed to phone (pre-mobile phones). They assumed something terrible had happened so spent time getting a message to me in a training session. Scared me to death. When I left the session to phone the urgent thing was "I just wondered how you were getting on". This from someone who spoke to his own mother a couple of times a year.
Having children now myself I see where he was coming from a little, but it really affected our relationship badly. So I suppose my message it to keep things in proportion.

Hakluyt · 09/02/2015 09:20

There's a big difference between forcing duty calls on particulqr nights qnd expecting regular letters and so on and thinking it's not OK for a adult to completely ignore all contacts for 3+ weeks. As I said, adults do not cause other adults unecessqry worry if they can help it.

Mehitabel6 · 09/02/2015 09:26

If they are rude and thoughtless by 18yrs it is all a bit late and I can't see how making them make a duty call improves things. I would work on improving the relationship.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 09/02/2015 09:41

My sister and I called home once a week most weeks when we were at uni.

My brothers tended to only call when they had important news to impart or had run out of money.

This was way back in the mists of time before mobile phones etc. I'm not sure what you are worrying about exactly? I would work on the basis that if something truly terrible happened, someone would tell you.

What's his preferred method of communication? Maybe rather than focussing on phone calls you could try whatsapp or snapchat or whatever it is these young people are into this week Wink

Hairyhobbittoes · 09/02/2015 09:44

I can understand this is tough on you. I don't think the behaviour is particularly unusual but not knowing you or your son can't say if there is anything else going on. Can you mention to him next time he is home that if he could just let you know he is ok a bit more regularly it would mean a lot to you - however he wants to do that?

Does he use snapchat or similar - perhaps he could show you how next time he is home if you don't know already - try to make it more fun? Finding out how he likes to communicate might help.

Like a previous poster said, keeping lines of communication open sounds important.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 09/02/2015 09:44

I'm in my third year at uni now. In first year my parents got a Facebook message a few times a week Grin I was having way too much fun meeting people, going out getting wankered , doing uni work etc. Second year I called a lot but that was to vent as I was increasingly pregnant throughout the year. This year it's finally reached a nice sort of conclusion, if I need any advice about the baby or just need to chat I'll message, text or call, but otherwise we just assume no news is good news for each other. Sometimes we'll just randomly chat, or we'll Skype, but there's no expectation on either side, and that works for us :)

whitecloud · 09/02/2015 17:53

Just to introduce a new idea here. I do agree with Hakluyt - I think it is polite to reply. The other way I look at it is - a check in as a good idea, because in these days of mobile phones there is no way of finding out whether the other person is OK unless they text you periodically. There are no landlines in student houses to ring any more so how could you find out if someone was really ill or had an accident etc if they didn't ring you and you did not have the phone number of any of their friends. You don't need a massive conversation - just a periodic text to confirm that the student is OK.

Hakluyt · 09/02/2015 18:10

And actually if I hadn't heard from my dd for a week or so, I'd just ring up and say "Oi, ragbag- do you actually want me to let your room out and change the locks?" No need to be mopy about it- they are old enough to understand that we miss them more than they miss us, and it doesn't cause them any trouble to be kind. I don!t mind being a duty call sometimes!

Mehitabel6 · 09/02/2015 21:57

I can't see the problem- if they haven't been in touch for a while then phone, text or email them.

Mehitabel6 · 09/02/2015 21:59

Sorry- I see he doesn't respond to that.

fussychica · 10/02/2015 10:33

DS now in 4th and final year. We definitely hear from him less these days. He is now in a serious relationship with a girl in the US who he Skypes several nights a week and so I think he tells her everything and no longer needs us as a sounding board. I fully accept that and am pleased he is so happy but still miss the way it was sometimes.
I shouldn't moan as we still speak pretty much weekly but I always leave the calling to him unless it's essential I contact him when I text.

Bonsoir · 10/02/2015 10:37

If your DS goes incommunicado at times of stress, that's because he finds communicating with you stressful in itself and he therefore cannot deal with the added stress of talking to you when life is generally stressful.

Maybe rethink what he needs from you (rather than what you want from him)? This will help your relationship going forward.

Lilymaid · 10/02/2015 11:05

With both my DSs I've tried to be in contact once a week, but wouldn't expect more. When I was at university I sent my parents one letter a week rather than queue for the pay phone. DH was so fed up with his DM and her continual enquiries into everything he did, that he deliberately didn't contact his parents at all one term!

iwantgin · 11/02/2015 07:40

I posted earlier, but have been following the thread.

These are adults - aged 18+ So parents should step back and let them deal with things on their own as much as possible.

My DS is 17 - so I will be in this position soon enough - but I will have to sit on my hands to avoid pestering him too often.

TheAwfulDaughter · 11/02/2015 07:48

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mumeeee · 11/02/2015 07:51

Iwantgin. I agree with you but it is still hard not to worry when you don't hear from your DC's. I've learnt over the years is best not to pester them.

DoctorDoctor · 11/02/2015 08:12

From a different perspective (lecturer) I see a huge range of levels of communication between parent and child. Some of them text or ring when leaving class to check their tea will be ready(!), some go completely incommunicado - there have been instances of parents ringing us hugely upset because their child hasn't contacted home in quite some time and they are worried. That's a very difficult one because we aren't allowed to tell them whether child has been attending (students are legal adults and we can't give that information out - plus in some cases there may be very good reasons why someone isn't in the know: have come across restraining orders etc) so the best we can do from the parent's perspective is to quietly tell the student that a parent is worried about them and suggest they send a message of some sort - it's then up to them.

motherinferior · 11/02/2015 08:23

What iwantgin said.

SecretSquirrels · 11/02/2015 09:59

Whatever we say as parents we want to hear from our DC both to know they are happy and to hear their news. If they don't communicate at all it must be very very hard, not least if it's because they are feeling stressed. I think for the OP perhaps next time you go for that coffee I would explain how much you worry and ask him to try and send a short text once a week.

An earlier poster made a good point about phone calls. was a teenager in the 1970s so just a land line. I think my generation is used to socialising by phone call. My DS on the other hand would go to great lengths to avoid making a phone call. If he does I have learned that it's never to chat, it's a "how long do I cook x? Thank you good bye".
Skype on the other hand he will chat for an hour.

Hakluyt · 11/02/2015 10:07

I go back to my earlier point. Adults do not cause other adults unnecessary worry- particularly if they can easily avoid doing so. A 4 word text once a week is not too much to expect.

loiner45 · 11/02/2015 10:11

ah yes - the "how long do you cook X for?" call, or the "is it OK to eat Y if the use by date was last month?" and "how do I get pink dye out of my best white blouse?" variations.

I went to uni in the days when my own parents didn't have a phone so they relied on letters - I once went 6 months without getting in touch with them - I had no idea, was just having a great time Blush. They went to a phone box and rang me in my flat, I thought someone must have died or there was a tragedy at home Blush. This means I assume all is going really well with my dc unless I hear to the contrary and there's always facebook stalking

Delilahfandango · 11/02/2015 10:20

My DD is 1st year. We haven't spoken since she went back after Christmas but we have a lot of text, email or fb messenger communication. I'm another believer in no news is good news but I'd go into meltdown if she ignored my texts etc. I also spy on her on Instagram Blush I didn't go to uni but remember it being a total fag at 19 having to call home! - even though my relationship with my parents was good. I know she isn't calling because she's too busy enjoying herself as opposed to not calling because she's unhappy, which makes it acceptable to me.

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