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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Frequency of call home when away at uni - how much is reasonable

85 replies

pinktele · 08/02/2015 15:18

My DS is now in his 3rd year at uni. He has never been great at communicating - most of the time will answer a call at the weekend but not always though seems to really enjoy being home in the holidays and participates well in family life then. I have worked out that he doesn't mind me visiting, say twice a term to take him out for a coffee (uni is only 45 minutes away so that works for me). However, sometimes he goes 3+ weeks not answering any communication at all (usually at times of stress). I just wanted to know if this is usual/normal or is it ok to feel in turn frantically worried/angry/like the worst mother in having brought up a son who thinks its ok to blank his mother for weeks?

OP posts:
grovel · 08/02/2015 19:37

Good luck, pinktele. We came to consider any communication as a bonus (even when our DS had run out of money!).

2rebecca · 08/02/2015 21:35

I get the occasional single word from my son as a facebook message. He rarely answers his phone. he will message me if he wants something and is at his chattiest when feeling unwell and wanting sympathy! In the first term I took him out to dinner a couple of times as he's only an hour away but he's been too busy this term to bother with me much!

2rebecca · 08/02/2015 21:37

I do tend to send my son frequent facebook message updates. He knows he doesn't have to bother replying if he's busy but I like to make him still feel part of the family and tell him what we're up to.

MadameJosephine · 08/02/2015 21:42

DS hasnt left yet, he'll be off to uni this year. I'm hoping to get him to agree to once a week as that's what my mum got me to agree to in 1990 when I went. Wednesday at 6pm was her time to call me on the incoming calls only line in my shared house (nothing fancy like mobiles back then). It was more for her benefit than mine and it will be the same for me and DS I'm sure.

ZebraGiraffe · 08/02/2015 21:52

It depends on the child...
DS used to speak to me about once a week and wouldn't really reply to texts.
DD called (and still does now she is graduated and living away) most nights and definitely texted daily.

Both were very happy at uni. DD is just a big mummy's girl and likes the contact.
No pattern with them being unhappy... for DD that meant going from calling each evening to texting during the day too asking for advice. For DS it meant contacting less and telling me once he'd sorted the problem.
DS is now living back at home and is probably less independent, DD has always lived away and is more independent.
No pattern whatsoever with those two!

ZebraGiraffe · 08/02/2015 21:54

A friend has a family whatsapp group which seems a fab idea. They all message on there about what they are up to, good TV programmes, funny stories etc. she says some weeks they don't say a word, over weeks they chat non-stop. It seems lovely.

2rebecca · 08/02/2015 21:57

Agree that when I was at college I phoned home occasionally when I remembered which was probably less than once a week.

TheOddity · 08/02/2015 22:04

I don't think its a reflection of how close you are. I hate phone calls, that generation is much more used to texts than phone calls so probably have the same feelings about talking through the phone as I do. On top of that, a lot of the men I know are rubbish at small talk, my husband being my main example. I pity his mum who has to drive the conversations while I try and chip in the with the odd nugget of information for her (e.g. We are going on holiday next week, there was a hurricane today, your grandson walked his first step etc!) so maybe send a text that can elicit a yes/no type response so you know he is alive, and save the chats for the coffee time. Dreading my little prince moving out (he is 4 though so time yet!)

hattymattie · 09/02/2015 06:48

I am abroad so we do FB messenger - tis brilliant - in this way we can do general chat and I hear several times a week.Smile

Hakluyt · 09/02/2015 07:05

Now I think not replying at all to any form of communication is just plain rude. And why do parents have to put up with that sort of crap from another person just because that person is their child? Nobody is too busy to text "All's well, love x" once in a while. Fine not to want long phone calls, or constant FB updates or whatever. But a weekly check in, even a 4 word one a perfectly reasonable expectation. Talk to him. Say that you worry, and that it would take very little to stop you worrying. Don't crowd him. But as a fellow human being you have a right to expect to be treated with thoughtfulness and courtesy.

DixieNormas · 09/02/2015 07:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mehitabel6 · 09/02/2015 07:15

I go by 'no news is good news'.
They are all different. One is very good at newsy emails, one does phone calls and the other only uses Skype.
I would just be laid back about it- nothing worse than piling on the guilt - I would want the communication that is just dutiful.

Mehitabel6 · 09/02/2015 07:16

Sorry- the exact opposite of what I meant! I wouldn't want communication that was just a duty call.

Hakluyt · 09/02/2015 07:19

I wouldn't want duty phone calls or anthing like thát- but I see nothing wrong with a duty 4 word text once a week. Adults shouldn't cause other adults unnecessary worry. Whoever they are.

tropicalholidayhereicome · 09/02/2015 07:22

IME when I was at university it all depended on which gender the person was. The Girls ring/text every day or every other day. The Boys when they want money, on special occasions, every month or less

Mehitabel6 · 09/02/2015 07:31

I wasn't worried! No news has always meant they were OK.

fustybritches · 09/02/2015 07:32

When I was at uni I'd call home every Sunday night (I'm still in this habit 8 years later!)

I find if I'm in a routine I remember to do it every week. Could you agree on a time for you to call every week, a time he's usually free?

goinggetstough · 09/02/2015 07:32

Totally agree with "Hak", I think it is rude not to communicate at least once a week with a short text. On previous threads I have seen posters suggest that their DC doesn't communicate because they are so independent, mature etc I think the opposite would be true and adults should think about other people's feelings and not just communicate because they want something.

Mehitabel6 · 09/02/2015 07:53

I now phone my ILs at a similar time every Sunday but that is because they are elderly and have problems with memory. I much preferred the days when it could be spontaneous and we could just phone when we felt like it.
What is to stop you phoning if you want them to contact?

Nocturne123 · 09/02/2015 07:53

Whilst at uni I spoke to my parents every day Blush. It only took 5 min and they loved hearing what I was up to .
I still speak to them every day. I am not the majority though.

Everyone differs so much though my friend only spoke to hers once a week or so .

It might be better if it's not so frequent because then you'll have loads to talk about!

Hakluyt · 09/02/2015 07:59

But meditate.- you're not worried. The OP is. And, as I said, adults shouldn't cause other adults unnecessary worry.

mumeeee · 09/02/2015 08:11

DD3 is now in her second year at uni. We only speak on the phone about every 3 weeks which was about the same for her sisters When they were at uni. We do message each orher in between times but not that much. She is a young adult has friends at uni and is also busy with uni work. So I don't expect her to communicate with me and DH more than she does. So yes it is normal

Lagoonablue · 09/02/2015 08:13

I did once a week to my parents but this was before mobiles and emai!

Mehitabel6 · 09/02/2015 08:16

But he is in his 3yr and so far is OK. It is obviously his way- I ?ould be inclined rather to accept it than be a duty of 'must keep mother happy'.
Just keep the lines open yourself.

Hakluyt · 09/02/2015 09:00

But his wqy is rude and thoughtless. We see so many examples here of people either complaining or just accepting that men are useless at communication- they only are because we let them!

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