EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 3

[mrsrhodgilbert]

The comment about where they now live and consider to be home is interesting. If dd doesn't go back to until the end of January she will only have just over two months until the Easter holidays. She will actually come home on my 50th birthday and we are all going away for a few days. After Easter she then has about another 4 or 5 weeks left, possibly with a few exams after that.

That sounds like no time at all and then she will be back for the summer, hopefully with a job again. If some dc consider they have left home, do they not come back for the holidays?

I'm hearing from her much less and she seems quite busy with work. I'm not sure she feels she has many friends yet and it seems quite fluid still, but she is definitely calmer. She has a few pre Christmas things lined up, ice skating, panto, club parties, lunch out etc so I hope some friendships will be cemented. Still no plans for a house for year two but ive tried to tell her not to panic about that. Some people who were sorted a few weeks ago might not be any more.

[mrsrhodgilbert]

Hi mumeee, my hope would be that by the end of year one she would have some proper friends and be happy where she is. I think looking to change flat is sensible. We just kept hoping the girls she lives with might become friendlier, two of them actually seem very nice but one has her best friend from school there and doesn't seem to want anyone else and the other has made course friends and is always with them. In the whole term they have not spent a single evening in each others rooms just chatting and getting to know each other. I have never heard anything like it. The other two are just awful.

You are absolutely right, it would be difficult to start elsewhere but I think she just needs to feel she has a bit of control at the moment and I'm not going to be negative right now. I don't think it's a good idea, I would love her to find a better flat to move into in a building where she has some friends.

Is it your dads funeral tomorrow? Best wishes to you all.

[MABS]

You are right mrsrhod, you must take the lead from her, mummee- thinkin
of you at this sad time ;(

[DalmationDots]

Sounds a great plan mrsrhod that will give her a bit of hope that either she can try a different flat or she can find a new uni.
So glad she has been brave and made a decision to do something about all this.
Fingers crossed something works out, she deserves a much better experience- as you say uni shouldn't just be about 'getting though' for the sake of the course.

[Notsoskinnyminny]

mrsrhod it sounds like DD has turned a corner, things will start to improve for her as she shouldn't feel trapped in her current situation any more.

DD came home for the weekend and was a different girl to the one who came even last month so im hoping things have finally clicked into place for her after her meeting with the HoD.

mumeeee thinking of you and your family today.

[goinggetstough]

Mumee thinking of you and your family today too!

[mrsrhodgilbert]

Hi notso, I'm not sure about turning a corner. I think she is absolutely worn down. The girl next door has kept her awake the last two nights, on Monday she started a long, loud Skype conversation at 2am and last
night had friends round until 5am. I know it's the end of term and people will party and I also realise dd probably needs to loosen up a bit, but I actually am quite worried about her.

She has been in touch with the accommodation office and they want details of what she is looking for in terms of a move and why she wants to move. I hope she has some positive experiences this week or I fear we will be getting a very depressed girl home on Friday and that will set the tone for Christmas.

I'm pleased your daughter is settling, it makes such a difference to know they're reasonably happy as mine seemed a couple of weeks ago.

[ISingSoprano]

I'm so sorry your dd is still having problems mrsrhod. I hope the accommodation office come up with something new for her for next term.

Ds is due home at the weekend and I am ridiculously excited! He has been home twice for 24 hours each time. Communication with him hasn't been terribly easy as the mobile signal in his flat is dreadful and we have had problems with our broadband at home meaning skype has been impossible too. It will be such a luxury to be able to talk properly

[Notsoskinnyminny]

Sometimes I think our daugters are the same person! Mine still has problems with the girl in the next room, she has tests on Fridays and a full timetable from 9-8 with only 2 1 hour breaks on a Monday but thursday and Sunday are student nights so the girl comes home drunk at 3am often with a different man . They're on joint courses and both doing one element but in different classes and researched/worked together when they had an assignment the other week so things aren't as bad as they were, whether she'd share a house with her is another thing.

[JellicleCat]

Mrsrhod I hope your dd manages to find a flat move she likes. Would she be able to visit any proposed flats beforehand and talk to prospective flatmates? You have certainly made me so relieved that dd has nice flatmates, who socialise and eat together on a Sunday.

[mrsrhodgilbert]

I think she will have to visit prospective new flats before moving, she could find herself in a worse situation, she just wants to be somewhere like your daughter Jelliclecat. Nothing will happen until January though, so she will be worrying about it over Christmas, though I hope will feel better that she has taken action. I wonder it there will be a bit of movement coming.

She found out yesterday that the girl she most likes in her flat is definitely leaving, tomorrow. Also the girl she finds particularly intimidating is only going home for about six days over Christmas. She has recently had her boyfriend (not a student) staying over more and more, 3 and 4 nights a week and dd assumes they will be there together over the holiday. She was going to clean up the kitchen before she leaves on Friday but I've suggested not to as it will be filthy again within a few days, this is the particularly messy girl. But, it does make me wonder what state the flat will be in by the end of January.

Do you think anybody inspects the flats over the holidays when they are largely empty? Over reading week they were given notice that there would be an inspection and everyone had to leave their beds stripped. Some flats were fined for mess and breakages. I'm so so sorry to keep venting on here, I just want to know she is going to escape from there soon.

[madeofkent]

From what Ds has been told, they usually have an inspection a couple of weeks after they all return. they are just told that the owners wish to check in case there is any maintenance that needs doing, I disillusioned them on that one and told them to deepclean the whole flat.Your daughter should have a few days of grace, but she could end up with people who are just as bad, it's all such a lottery isn't it? Unless you move into something that is a complete tip to start with, renting can be a very stressful experience and some teens have never been taught how to clean, and others simply don't notice dirt and mess. Notso and mrsrhod, I have on occasion had to go back and check whose daughter is which, they do sound as if they are having very similar experiences.

The huge bullying rugby player is the messy one in DS's flat - he gets his poor girlfriend down from Nottingham every other week and expects her to clean his room. DS said it was on his (open) FB page - and so it is. I really hope she doesn't stay with him.

[DalmationDots]

mrsrhod that isgreat progress, and looking around will help your DD see if they are clean/seem more sociable etc.
The cleaning thing is a problem all students have, dd got really upset at the start of second year as she is a tidy person and no one would draw up a rota. She ended up doing a lot of the cleaning but also made a point to the others occasionally and told them to do some. It is so frustrating. DD opted for 3 other nice tidy girls for 3rd year and is much happier on the house-front. Even so, she is very ready to move away from student living (grotty houses and very noisy neighbours etc) when she graduates.

[goinggetstough]

Just spoken to my DS about inspections. They had a kitchen inspection this morning and as it was clean and tidy they won/ had money put on their ID cards for one use of the washing machine and tumble dryer.
So there may be inspections now but I doubt there will be during the holidays unless the Warden informs them he/she is coming round.

[mumeeee]

DD3 said they had an inspection last week of the kitchen and their individual rooms. So I think inspections are being done before the holiday,

[mrsrhodgilbert]

Well dd is now home for the holidays. She and another flatmate did clean the kitchen yesterday but when I looked in this morning the girl who is staying had messed it up again by leaving dirty plates and pans etc all over the surfaces. We just walked away, good riddance to it for a few weeks. Hope everyone gets their dc home safely over the next week and has a lovely time.

[JellicleCat]

DD is not coming home till next Saturday 21st although course work is finished, as it's more fun partying in the big city than being in the sticks at home. I am desperate for her to come home. Anyone else having to wait till next weekend?

[Notsoskinnyminny]

Just picked DD up from the station and she's home until the 6th. The whole flat cooked christmas dinner together last night although it was 10pm before it was ready to eat . She's in the garage filling DSD in on everything, I think he misses her more than I do - he's the dad she never had.

[mumeeee]

DD3 finished yesterday and all assignments in. She is not coming home until late next Thursday, She is off to Manchester Christmas market and then having a meal with her Christian union friends today and to her church Carol concert tomorrow evening. Then she's doing things with her flatmates. Seems like a few of them are staying around.

[MABS]

back from holiday now and I am sorry to admit this but I know you won't hate me! am over her being back already :( and her first lecture in Jan is not til 20th!!! x

[Notsoskinnyminny]

MABS I know how you feel and mine only came home last night! Her case is still in the hall and I got a series of oks in a particular tone which always winds me up when I asked her to move it followed by a rant about the window cleaner coming at 11am and waking her up, the case still hasn't moved

[fussychica]

Sorry some are still struggling - hope the New Year brings changes for the better. Try not to think about the negatives and enjoy your time together.

DS not home until 21st. Having to drive to bloody Stansted to pick him up as no flights into Bristol from south west France at this time of year. He is soooo happy as his girlfriend is flying in for New Year and staying with us - never met her before so that will be an interesting experience!

[JellicleCat]

Haha MABS and Notso maybe it's not so bad then that DD is not home! She went clubbing on Thursday, went to see the Hobbit last night and is off to a big Christmas do at the student union tonight. Sadly our village can't compete with any of those, so no wonder she has stayed put.

[funnyperson]

I feel the same about not being able to compete with the social wonders of university life. . In our house DD tends to generate a quarrel which then becomes the perfect excuse not to come home. Perhaps because she finds it hard to say outright she isn't coming. It is almost easier not to expect her to come home then there isn't any heartache. I saw hardly anything of her in the summer due to global wanderings and visiting her friends around the country and I don't think I am going to see much of her this Christmas. I know it is just them growing up but I feel such a failure and also a bit lonely but heaven forbid one should be one of those mothers that admits to being lonely to their children, esp at the age when one is supposed to be living it up according to various research surveys. I've got to the stage when I no longer keep the fridge full because food has gone waste so often when they don't turn up and instead I put loads of stuff in the freezer.

[madeofkent]

I do feel for you, ours isn't coming home until 19th or 20th, we are still not sure which. We did phone and ask if he would like to be collected yesterday, but he is far too busy. DH was doing the calling and I saw his face drop a bit. I think now that DH is on holiday, that is when it strikes him that there is no DS around. We will have to return him on 3rd Jan as he is going skiing, then he informs us that he will stay there as he has joined lots of clubs that start early in January to entertain those who have to do lots of exams. Which he does not. He just wants to be there, I suppose. :( We do live out in the sticks, I can't blame him really.

[mumeeee]

Funnyperson you are not a failure you have just done your job as a good parent. You have equipped your DD so that she can be grown up and doesn't need to rub home to Mum. I know how you feel though DD1 and DD2 have completely left home now. Well DD1 has been married for 4 years and DD2 finished uni last year but decided to stay in Kingston. I was a bit surprised when DD3 didn't want to come home on Friday when uni finished but wanted to stay until next Thursday. It's good that she has made friends and wanted to do stuff with them this week though. All my DDs will be with us for Christmas this year and I'm very excited about that.