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Original poster

EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 3

999 replies

mrsrhodgilbert · 28/11/2013 15:33

The comment about where they now live and consider to be home is interesting. If dd doesn't go back to until the end of January she will only have just over two months until the Easter holidays. She will actually come home on my 50th birthday and we are all going away for a few days. After Easter she then has about another 4 or 5 weeks left, possibly with a few exams after that.

That sounds like no time at all and then she will be back for the summer, hopefully with a job again. If some dc consider they have left home, do they not come back for the holidays?

I'm hearing from her much less and she seems quite busy with work. I'm not sure she feels she has many friends yet and it seems quite fluid still, but she is definitely calmer. She has a few pre Christmas things lined up, ice skating, panto, club parties, lunch out etc so I hope some friendships will be cemented. Still no plans for a house for year two but ive tried to tell her not to panic about that. Some people who were sorted a few weeks ago might not be any more.

OP posts:
mumeeee · 24/12/2013 10:41

Happy Christmas to you all. Hope your DD finds things better in the New year Mrsrhod and all the other DCs who are still struggling also find things get better. I have a full house today which is Chaotic but good.

Notsoskinnyminny · 24/12/2013 18:46

Merry Christmas everyone. DH finished the kitchen this morning so I've had my marigolds on all day Grin and definitely need a Wine or three but first I've got to build the gingerbread house for DD to decorate - apparently its a family tradition even though she's now 18.

DalmationDots · 24/12/2013 21:50

Merry christmas to you all!! And well done for all surviving a term however up or down (or a mixture of the two!) the term has been.

Hope no one is travelling, it is all flooded here and lots of power cuts.

noddyholder · 26/12/2013 13:50

I am loving ds being home. He says Bournemouth will never be home like here which has made me Smile. Have had all his mates over and none of them see uni as home which is very different from my day!

MABS · 27/12/2013 09:43

back to doc for dd today :( she very poorly.

mumeeee · 27/12/2013 10:12

Oh dear MABs hope she feels better soon. DD3 has gone for a blood test she has a vitamin D deficiency and has to have the levels tested every few months. Then we are off to my Mums for q big family Christmas celebration. Will be hard this year without Dad. He only died a month ago.

MABS · 27/12/2013 11:49

love to all mummee. doc said glandular fever which will prob last months, but he was pretty sure he could exclude viral meningitis..

Chlorinella · 27/12/2013 20:47

MABS your poor DD . Is it rest and recuperation for her , or is there any treatment she can have ?

DS has been out with his friends a lot since he's been home , we've insured the car for him over Christmas , he's been talking about who to share with next year ...
... And then he admitted he'd failed an important maths test , which means he won't be able to do the specialised part of the course in the 2nd and 3 rd years

Not quite sure what to do , he needs to make an appointment with the tutor , presumably when he goes back ( doesn't help we live in south Wales , he's in Uni in London ! )
There just doesn't seem much point carrying on , to do a course he doesn't want to do .

Any thoughts and suggestions welcome ?

madeofkent · 27/12/2013 21:14

There's no reason why he shouldn't change universities I suppose. My nephew found that in between settling for Bath to do a very particular Maths degree, and starting the course, they changed it. So as they refused to alter it to allow him to do what he had wanted to do, he applied to Manchester who slightly altered things to suit him. I know it's not quite the same, but if your DS isn't happy there and doing well, another place may be more accommodating and helpful, he can but ask. I think numbers are down so much this year that most unis are quite keen to be helpful.

DalmationDots · 28/12/2013 00:20

Chlorinella can he ask/beg/persuade them to let him retake or otherwise somehow prove he is able to specialise?
If he goes to the relevant head of school/tutor/lecturer (higher up the better) and explains his passion, long term reasons for wanting to be on that course and why he thinks he failed the maths test...there could be a second chance (worth a shot anyway- nothing to loose).

Other than that, he needs to weigh up whether he is so happy where he is with all aspects except the course that he wants to stick it out and then do a masters/other route to get him where he originally planned.
OR he thinks it is worth (and feasible) to swap unis and that what he has achieved socially is achievable else where/worth giving up.

Chlorinella · 28/12/2013 09:32

Thanks both of you
I'm not sure if he is really cut out for Uni .
He's sociable , funny and easy going , but academic ? No .

We're persuading him to at least reply to the email ( he says that it wont be read , it's holidays , ) and see where we go from here .

To add to the confusion , he's been given a date for laser eye surgery at the end of January , so that will mean more time off and more catching up of work .

Sighs

madeofkent · 28/12/2013 16:48

Oh dear... Well, I keep mine motivated by reminding him that the only work around here is working at a poultry farm or stacking shelves at Tesco. It seems to work - so far.

MABS · 31/12/2013 15:18

happy new year to you all x

noddyholder · 31/12/2013 15:55

Have heard the 1st mutterings amongst ds mates about possibly not going back

fussychica · 31/12/2013 16:09

US girlfriend of DS flew in last night. Her first visit to the UK and the weather is living up to it's reputation! She seems lovely. So far so good Smile - hope I still feel the same on Saturday when they return to France together!

noddyholder · 31/12/2013 16:15

Oh thats lovely

MABS · 31/12/2013 17:31

that's lovely :) dd is distraught that she can't go back til later in Jan, she so loves it there x

noddyholder · 31/12/2013 19:19

Thats good to hear Mabs J loves it too I had a chat with him today as was worried but 2 of his mates have dropped out already but as he says What will they do?

Chlorinella · 31/12/2013 19:30

DS is out on the razz with his old school mates tonight ... Haven't heard back from the tutor yet , hopefully will on Thursday .

No point me worrying , it's his life not mine

Happy new year everyone ! ??

rightsaidfrederick · 31/12/2013 23:32

Don't be too perturbed when you hear about drop outs. The vast majority of drop outs happen in first year, and of those most happen in the first few weeks (those who can't quite cope / realise they've made the wrong uni / course choice), with another peak shortly after Christmas (after they've revisited home comforts, and return to exam stress). Once they've passed first year, they're statistically almost certain to graduate.

madeofkent · 31/12/2013 23:33

A few posts back I mentioned that one of DS's flatmates was having to leave the accommodation because his student loan had never come through.

Quite a lot of posts ago I mentioned that the flatmates were into gambling... well, it would appear that the money did come through, but did not end up in the right place... How very sad.

MABS · 01/01/2014 11:39

so very sad Madeofkent :( what a waste.

Glad ds is happy Noddy

Notsoskinnyminny · 01/01/2014 14:12

Happy new year everyone.

MABS hope DD is soon feeling better, at least she's at home where you can look after her.

DD's getting ready to go back on Sunday, her break's much shorter than everyone elses, DSS doesn't go back until Feb and he finished a week before her although he's missing the nightlife so will probably go back sooner it was nice to know that DH is keeping the clubs in business 4+ nights a week.

She hasn't done much other than study, her schoolfriends excluded her from a birthday celebration for one of them thank you facebook and she's had a bug for the last 4 days hope that wasn't a convenient excuse for staying in last night She says she's ok but I'm worried she's putting on a brave face, what she really needs are some decent friends.

Sorry, I sound like a miserable, bitter cow. I need to put my wellies on and take the hound for a long walk while repeating to myself she will be fine Hmm

Original poster
mrsrhodgilbert · 01/01/2014 18:10

Hi everyone, I've tried to keep off here over Christmas because we've had a bit of a rough time with dd. Notso, I do think we share a daughter. Mine has not seen her school friends, but actually because she was busy elsewhere when they met up. She doesn't need to go back until the end of Jan, apart from for two exams which I'm so pleased about because she is too fragile at the moment. Her emotional well being has taken a huge battering.

We had a bit of a family conference this morning where she informed us that she will go back but if things don't improve we may see a bit more of her midweek. She has looked through her new timetable and she could come home for 48 hours some weeks. It's not what any of us want but it's given her a bit of a get out if things become worse in the flat. She actually only has 13 weeks left of year one. I can hardly believe that but it looks right. She can manage that.

She is not going to panic about signing up for a house with people she hardly knows but she is going to continue to try to meet new people. As Notso says, what she needs are some decent friends.

MABS, I hope your dd gets over the glandular fever quickly, it's a horrible illness.

Noddy, interesting what you've heard about some not going back, I'm waiting to see if dd notices some missing people.

OP posts:
DalmationDots · 01/01/2014 21:28

mrsrhod I've been thinking of you and your DD, but can understand you wanting to try and enjoy yourself over xmas rather than reflect too much on it all.
I am sorry to hear your DD isn't faring well emotionally. It does however sound like she is being very strong and positive, working out ways to 'get through'. While in October I would have been saying encourage her to be there as much as possible, it does sound like the pressure-off approach is the best and only way forward. Her well-being is obviously the priority. I am so glad you live near enough to allow her to come home for weekends and mid-week when needed.
Perhaps with a more relaxed and 'take it as it comes' approach she will find it less stressful and fingers crossed she meets 'decent friends' (I remember DD saying how all she wanted was normal friends when she was struggling and it was so frustrating how tricky like-minded people can be to find!). I really hope your DD gets there with the housemates. You are right she should not panic, she just needs to be patient, keep making an effort (but not exhaust or panic herself) and keep her fingers crossed!

DD knows many who were deeply unhappy in first year, found last minute housemates for 2nd year who turned out to be good matches and then uni was a completely different and happier experience for them. Likewise, DD hated it for the first term, it improved after Christmas (Although she still had big wobbles and moments of homesickness), 2nd year it was better but still mixed. It isn't really until 3rd year that she has loved it, feels at home there and got a really settled group of friends.

I really really hope it works out better this term, whether that be with her settling more or just that through coming home more she feels happier. It all must have been a huge emotional rollercoaster and she needs to look after her self and her mental wellbeing now.