EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 3

[mrsrhodgilbert]

The comment about where they now live and consider to be home is interesting. If dd doesn't go back to until the end of January she will only have just over two months until the Easter holidays. She will actually come home on my 50th birthday and we are all going away for a few days. After Easter she then has about another 4 or 5 weeks left, possibly with a few exams after that.

That sounds like no time at all and then she will be back for the summer, hopefully with a job again. If some dc consider they have left home, do they not come back for the holidays?

I'm hearing from her much less and she seems quite busy with work. I'm not sure she feels she has many friends yet and it seems quite fluid still, but she is definitely calmer. She has a few pre Christmas things lined up, ice skating, panto, club parties, lunch out etc so I hope some friendships will be cemented. Still no plans for a house for year two but ive tried to tell her not to panic about that. Some people who were sorted a few weeks ago might not be any more.

[goinggetstough]

mrsrhod I am sorry to hear that your DD is still not happy but it sounds like she now has a workable plan to complete her first year.

[goinggetstough]

Some posters are now commenting on their DC's friends talking about not returning to university and I thought I would mention what it is like to be one of the parents of those students just in case it could help someone else.

It is always very difficult when you realise that your DC wants to leave/ withdraw from their course. They feel that they might have let you down, which of course is not normally the case. I feel this is not helped when people describe it as " dropping out". Yes I know that this is a correct word to use if you consult the dictionary but generally it is used to denote someone stopping something because they haven't bothered. In some cases they might have not bothered and spent their time partying etc but this certainly wasn't the reason in our case. Decisions had to be made in the Christmas vacation as our DC's friends were signing contracts for houses and our DC didn't want to sign a contract if he wasn't sure he would be there and he was very unhappy.

Our DC returned after Christmas after we had discussed his options as a family. He knew that we would support his decision but that he had to make a decision. So he decided to withdraw in the first week back.

He came home and we were concerned about his self confidence etc and keeping his options open for next year. The last thing we wanted to do was force him to apply for another university course and end up in the same situation this year, but the UCAS deadline was looming (4 days later). His old school were brilliant and our DC wrote his new PS over the weekend and went into school to discuss his choices etc He submitted it 24 hours before the deadline and still received 5 offers. He then put together a gap year of volunteering and working and doing an online academic course which all went well.

He has now completed his first term successfully and the difference between him last year and this year is amazing. So if you are in the position we were in last year there is a way ahead.

[ancientandmodern]

goinggetstough -- thank you very much for your post. This is exactly the situation we now face with our daughter, who has decided not to return for a second term. She was extremely ill during her first term with 3 bouts of tonsillitis, the last one of which led to a nasty complication (quinsy) which meant she was an emergency hospital admission to get an infected abscess drained.
As a result of all the illness (plus, no doubt, some ill advised partying) she got very behind with her work. Although we encouraged her to speak to her tutor, dept, uni authorities etc it seemed impossible to get anyone to understand how ill she had been, or how demoralising it was to be told she had to complete modules which she couldn't pass because she had so many penalty points racked up for late delivery.
Her dept said that she needed to pass the module and would in all likelihood need to return in August to do retakes for this.
Added to this, she had a lot of issues getting on with flatmates and because she was ill missed out on making friends on the course. As a result, she was in a real pickle about how to find a house for next year, as she didn't know who she could share with.
When she came home this Christmas and we talked through options, leaving the course seemed the most sensible thing to do. She had already asked her dept. if she could suspend her studies (she is still waiting for an urgent op to have her tonsils taken out, which will mean a further 2 weeks off sick in the near future, so difficult to see how she would ever catch up on the academic work). Their answer was she could not return with a fresh start in Sept 2014, only in the second term in 2015 -- when she would know no one else in the first year, so would be in same difficult social/house situation and would still need to re-do first term's poor results!
Sorry for the marathon, but yours is the first post to show understanding that sometimes plans do go awry and the best option is to stop and start again -- agree it's not 'dropping out'so much as 're thinking'.
Our daughter is saying she will make a UCAS application by this Jan deadlline and we hope she will then be able to do as your son did, and work and volunteer, get well and hopefully do well in Sept somewhere else.
Thanks again for the positive insight.

[eatyourveg]

@GuardianEdu tweeted a link to this article only 2 hours ago on the very same subject

[MABS]

quite helpful to read all this re illness. DD has definite glandular fever, bloods came back today, however also showing compromised liver function apparently. I have been I touch with uni, so far seem very supportive but we will see...

Back to doc tomorrow for further liver blood tests.

[ancientandmodern]

MABS every university is different, but in the case of DD2's experience it was essential to provide written confirmation of any medical issues, ie discharge letter from hospital, sick note from GP etc. We ended up photocopying anything related to her medical condition, giving her 2 copies and keeping a couple ourselves, as her dept. seemed to ask for endless paperwork. (NB I do not usually get so involved in one of my children's affairs,but DD2 was so ill she just wasn;t able to cope with keeping track of mounds of paper and sending it off to all and sundry). Might be worth keeping a note of all contact with drs, tests etc as useful if requested.
Hope your daughter isn't feeling too bad - glandular fever can be draining.

[MABS]

Thanks ancientandmodern. Yep same here, she is very poorly so I am doing it all for her, spoke with her personal tutor earlier who was very sweet. getting medical letter tomorrow, more blood tests tomorrow on liver.

[fussychica]

Sorry to hear things are still tough for a number of you. Hope it soon gets better for all those who are poorly or unhappy.

Just to let you know the other side of the coin so you can see that depending on the circumstances, course and a supportive university, a terrible start doesn't necessarily mean an early finish.

We were devastated when DS was hospitalised in freshers week and following a major op missed 5 weeks of lectures. We thought that would be the end of his university experience for at least that academic year. However, his Uni were very supportive and he was fortunate to be able to complete some assignments in hospital. Despite our worst fears his return was relatively easy, though he had missed the main flat for year 2 sign up. Luckily, he sorted it all sorted shortly after with other friends. He caught up quickly and passed the first year with excellent marks.He is now in his 3rd year and is working in France as part of his year abroad. Hope this positive slant helps someone.

[MABS]

helps me fussychica :) dd loves uni and accom for Sept all sorted, just too poorly to go anywhere near for a while ,and we are so far from her uni.

[mumeeee]

Sorry your DD is still poorly MABS. That happened to my brother in his first year and the uni let him defer the rest of the year and start again the next year. That was many moons ago though. Mrsrhod ans notso I hope both your DDs have a better time next term. DD3 has still got about 10 days left at home but says she is missing uni and her flatmates now.

[Notsoskinnyminny]

A&M and MABS hope both your daughters get well soon. I had glandular fever 8 years ago just before Christmas and laughed at the doctor when he sent me for a blood test, but he was right. I slept for best part of the next 4 wks and lost 2 stone and I was slim to start with. I was a single parent in a crappy part-time job with no sick pay and a mortgage so had to drag myself to work and go back to bed as soon as I got home. It was a good 3 months before I could manage a 'normal' day, thinking about it now my kids were bloody angels. Hopefully your daughter's uni will be understanding.

mumeeee thanks for thinking about DD. She's not looking forward to going back but there's a chance of a summer job at a language school so she's going to get more involved with that side of her course when she goes back. She's admitted she was more depressed than I thought, sometimes she didn't phone because she knew she was in a 'dark place' and didn't want to worry me so we've agreed if ever she feels that low again she needs to come home for a night or two and she's going to speak to the student union when she goes back.

[noddyholder]

My son dragging his heels and making all the wrong noises about returning

[mumeeee]

Oh dear Noddy hope he sorts himself out.

[noddyholder]

Me too I think a few of them have been egging each other on with tales of pointless degrees and debt etc

[DalmationDots]

noddyholder someone once told me that a degree is only as pointless as you make it. Yes some degrees lead to more employment options/chances than others, same with universities, but if you really want a job at the end and are really passionate about it then you can make it worth it.
DS' friend did Yacht and Boat Design, lots of people sniggered and told him it sounded like an absolute joke and pointless. We know him well and knew he had spend summers working on yachts, loved nautical engineering (but wasn't the level to do engineering as a degree) and wanted to set up a travel company providing yacht cruises. He graduated, got a job with a very prestigious company at first selling yachts and now he has earned enough to buy his first yacht and has set up his dream company. Yes there were other ways he could have got to where he was, but at 18 he was too young and didn't have the knowledge to go straight into it. His degree has taken him a long way (a lot further than many of those who sniggered at him!)
If you are passionate and work hard enough at getting experience and internships related to what you want to go into and are able to 'sell' your degree and find a path with interests you, then that will take you a long way.
Yes, for some uni isn't right and a waste of time if they doss about or aren't really there for the course, but he shouldn't feel it will be a waste in its own right.
Many are reluctant to return after the home comforts of Christmas but once they are back this is the term it is a lot easier to settle and get into a routine. I hope he is OK and manages to gear up to going back.

[DalmationDots]

Sorry, I just spoke to DS about this asking how his friend is doing and I was wrong, he did get a yacht, but rented not bought!!! Just thought I should correct myself before everyone rushes off to do Yacht studies in the hope of being able to afford a yacht!!

[madeofkent]

Dammit! I was just getting quite excited and thinking of getting DS to change his course!

He is off skiing at the moment. At least, I think that is where he is. Who knows? When he returns he has decided to stay at home for a month. Which means that I shall get all used to him being around and attached to him, only to have him clear off again. Not helped by weird feelings when we were wandering around Cambridge last week, when he said 'Would it upset you if I said that I think of this as home now?'

Well yes it did. But of course I lied. Still, the fact is, he's 'living' now and this will be the time of his life that he remembers most vividly, so I am glad that he is enjoying it.

[MABS]

dd bit better :) uni gave 2 week extension on work due tomorrow, here's hoping! x

[Notsoskinnyminny]

DD went back at the weekend and so far so good. she's even applied for a part-time job. Unless she makes some fantastic friends in the next 2 months she's going to stay in the same accommodation next year as she's got a couple of friends coming back from their year abroad. The 2 girls in her flat and the one who practically lives there had been looking at a house together but one of them has decided to commute next year. The others were obviously keen because they asked DD if she wanted to take the other girl's room, I dread to think what her response was but she's fine and was laughing when she told me about it and they're still on speaking terms.

MABS I was advised to take high strength Q10 to boost my energy levels and acidopholus (sp) to ward off any other infections (I can't stand Yakult etc) when I was getting over GF

[madeofkent]

That's good news, MABS.

NotSo, you never know, they may be the best of friends by the time they all leave!

The boy who is having to leave because he gambled all his money away was in the flat when we went to round up DS's ski stuff, I asked if DS wanted to knock on his door and say goodbye, but he wouldn't! As he really likes him I don't understand that at all.

[Chlorinella]

DS met with his tutor yesterday . He found out that he would be able to continue with his course ( even with the failed maths test .)
Good

But has decided to take a leave of absence , for medical reasons due to his eye surgery coming at the end of January .

The Tutor has had eye surgery , and said that in his experience the recovery time is longer than the consultant said ( that was 2-3 weeks )
So more like 4-6 weeks , that would just mean too much catching up

He's contacted his Flatmates to let them know ( and see who he can hopefully share with next year )

So forms all completed , a suggestion to write to student finance pleading extenuating circumstances , flat just about packed , and he'll be home tomorrow . Trains permitting .

So I'll just wish you and your DC all good luck for the rest of the year .
I hope that those who are unwell or unhappy are able to move on and find happiness and good health

I'll probably lurk (!) and be back here in September .
:)

[madeofkent]

Good luck, chlorinella.

[mrsrhodgilbert]

Hope the surgery goes well and he recovers quickly.

[ISingSoprano]

I hope the surgery goes well for your ds chlorinella and that he can re-start next year with renewed vigor!

I am so sorry others are still struggling too. I love this thread - I haven't posted much recently but often lurk. Good luck to everyone this term in overcoming illness, course issues and accommodation issues.

Ds should have gone back on Sunday but delayed it a few days as he has his driving test this morning. Sitting here waiting to hear from him feels much like A level results morning . His stuff is all packed and I am taking him back to uni this afternoon.

[fussychica]

Hope the surgery goes well and all the returnees are settling back.

The American girlfriend was lovely and while they were here booked a holiday together to Rome & Paris during their Feb break - so they are obviously getting on great. Long may it continue. Trawled back to Stansted in the torrential rain AGAIN on Saturday to drop them off for their flight back. No tears boast

No idea when I'll see him next - he finishes at the end of April but who knows what he might do then - stay in France a while longer, travel on elsewhere or go back to the US with girlfriend - how exciting.