Is this driving instructor a pervert?

[littleMillie]

I hope it’s ok to past this here.
Been having driving lessons I’ve had four hours so far.
The instructor is an older man probably retirement age, lives local and is very well respected.
The first two lessons were uneventful apart from some knee tapping. I felt a bit uncomfortable but shrugged it off. The next lesson after I’d been driving he actually grabbed my thigh and squeezed it but in a jokey manner when he was saying something. I completely froze.
I know it’s not normal but is there a chance he’s just old school and thinks nothing of it? He’s got a family and a good reputation and great reviews so it’s left me questioning myself but I’m very very uncomfortable at the thought of getting in a car with him again.

I had one exactly like this - all his reviews were great, and I was also left doubting myself about whether I was overreacting or not. In the end, I switched - whether he was a creep or not, being in a car with him made me nervous and unable to focus on the driving itself, so it was counterproductive.

What the fuck is the matter with some men? Hiding in plain sight behind their job

I mean, I somehow doubt that you EVER hear about pervy female instructors. Funny that 🙄
Honestly, giving men penises was the biggest design flaw in the history of mankind.

Being old school is not an excuse for inappropriate behaviour. He was inappropriate OP.

No .... not Darlington. I was appalled, but she was a grown adult and I had to let her deal with it in her own way. It is appalling when men in positions of control exploit this.

Thigh grabbing is the way a pervert tests the water so to speak. If you shrug them off they generally get the hint, if you let it happen and don’t react they will take it as a green light…

Thanks for the replies ladies they’re all spot on I appreciate it.
I thought I knew it all the age I’m at but no I must be pretty ignorant. I feel such a fool he must think I’m stupid. I think part of the shock and confusion is his age, he’s got to be 70 or pushing it my skin is crawling.

I’ve found a woman today who’s busy at the minute but she’s going to take me on when she has the time.

My instructor was like this and I was 17. I massively vetted DDs instructor when I couldn’t find a female one available. I hated it and felt so uncomfortable - his hand on my knee/thigh every time he mentioned biting point and it just felt like half the lesson was him touching me up. It’s not right. Glad you’ve decided not to keep learning with him. Can you leave him an honest review or report to someone? Whatever body governs driving instructors?

It shouldn't be a factor at all. No man should behave like that towards any woman without prior permission. You make it sound as though you think single women are fair game! I learned to drive from age 17 and my instructor was an older man nearing retirement. He was a kindly grandfather type: never laid a finger on me or said anything dodgy.

OP, I think someone is also off limits if you encounter them in a professional context like a doctor, nurse, police officer or driving instructor who should be keeping their hands and innuendos to themselves at all times regardless of the age, marital status or attractiveness of the gropee.

This is completely unacceptable and whilst he is his own boss, I do feel there should be some governing body you can report him to. If he did this to me or my 17 year old daughter I would find one. I imagine Jimmy Saville was also considered 'old school' at one point in history by some who encountered him but we were collectively quite wrong. As a confident adult, please take some action on behalf of 17 year old potential customers. Please.

Not acceptable. Not uncommon. Rarely reported.

Get a female driving instructor.

Try these people.

Here we are- apparently this is who you email about this issue. I might email the local
police and make a multi agency referral to MASH equally if anyone did this to my daughter as it is a huge safeguarding issue given the average age of his customers.

Apologies for lack of technical skills in copying and pasting from the internet in advance..

I was a very ‘young’ 18 year old and rather naive, my male instructor was forever telling me not to be too hard on the clutch and that I wasn’t ‘controlling’ it properly, he used to push my knee up and down in a pumping action, it wasn’t till a few years later when I was reading about a driving instructor who’d been prosecuted for touching female pupils that it occurred to me what he’d been up to.

If some on is single they are also off limits in this situation. Its no more acceptable to be a creep to someone who is single

Yes it does sound like it

In the context of a teacher-student relationship, any and all sexual overtures by the teacher are sexual harassment. No driving instructor should approach his or her pupils this way as it's an unprofessional abuse of privilege and trust. You are trapped in a moving car with someone who is in a position of power over you. It's not OK.

I think people have got upset with you because you're treating it as being like going for drinks with your mates: you wouldn't hit on a male acquaintance you were out drinking with if you knew he had a girlfriend because it's disrespectful of her feelings for him as well as disrespecting him by treating him like a would-be cheat. But if he was single, you might consider it.

A driving lesson isn't a social situation, which makes it always wrong for a teacher to sexually approach a student. It's not less wrong if the pupil is single, because it's off-the-scale wrong no matter who the pupil is.

No it’s not a factor and single women aren’t fair game that’s not what I said or meant. He knew I had a partner and was going to take him on, so if he’s up to no good then it’s a blatant pisstake.

I don’t know the rules of driving instructors I didn’t think there’d even need to be any, this is all new to me so I didn’t even know he was breaking any rules or codes. Of course single women aren’t fair game nobody should be but my partner’s allowed to be upset, not just at what the man did but he also knew I was attached and was going to take my partner on, and I can imagine the smugness knowing what he’s done.

I find this explanation bizarre: it has fuck all to do with "taking on another man" (wtf?) by sexually harassing his partner. Women are not an extension of their partners or husbands, they are sentient beings in their own right and have agency. He sexually harassed you when you were trapped in a vehicle with him. That's enough to make it wrong/unacceptable/a criminal offence. He clearly said something you haven't posted, but bloody hell OP: it's enough that you didn't want it.

OP the point is that he grabbed you without your consent, not that you are in a relationship.

Implicit in your statement is that it’s ok to grab a single woman, which I’m sure isn’t what you intended.

definitely get a different instructor

Taking him on with driving lessons. It’s got everything to do with my partner he wouldn’t be normal if he wasn’t upset by it. Or do you think because I’m my own person my partner has no right to be pissed off?

Yep - trying to justify it because he has a good reputation is pointless.

I had a guitar teacher like that ....

But that isn't what you posted prior to this reply to me. Yes, any woman would want a partner/spouse to support them in the circumstances. It's the suggestion this man is taking on your partner, rather than you by his actions, which is such an odd way of putting things.

I’m lost here. It was me having lessons and I asked for my partner, he agreed to take him on but this was before anything happened. I haven’t been in the car with him since. My partner won’t be getting in the car with him either.

This is the reason why I'll be looking for a female instructor when my DD starts lessons next year. I've heard far too many stories of inappropriate touching by male instructors

I had a female instructor, she was the one available when I booked my lessons. We had a great relationship. We used to laugh together. She fed me jaffa cakes when I got things right.

My friend started learning before me. She had a male instructor. She was frightened he would tell her off and used to tremble before the lesson. No inappropriate behaviour. She took over 3 years to pass her test, 2 lessons a week.

Another friend had initial lessons with her father. He fucked her up for life. He shouted at her and told her she was no good. Then she had a male instructor. No good. She finally tried a female instructor, by then she was a nervous wreck and convinced she was useless. She never did learn to drive.

Based on these experiences, I always advise that women have a female instructor. It is vital that you have a good rapport with your instructor. Without being relaxed and having good rapport it is impossible for the pupil to become confident and progress.

(P.s. I understand the op. How dare he try it on when he knows she's not available. ) but he is also a slimy perv with no morals.