Is this driving instructor a pervert?

[littleMillie]

I hope it’s ok to past this here.
Been having driving lessons I’ve had four hours so far.
The instructor is an older man probably retirement age, lives local and is very well respected.
The first two lessons were uneventful apart from some knee tapping. I felt a bit uncomfortable but shrugged it off. The next lesson after I’d been driving he actually grabbed my thigh and squeezed it but in a jokey manner when he was saying something. I completely froze.
I know it’s not normal but is there a chance he’s just old school and thinks nothing of it? He’s got a family and a good reputation and great reviews so it’s left me questioning myself but I’m very very uncomfortable at the thought of getting in a car with him again.

Nothing old school about the touching
Uninvited touching I'll bet he's being doing it for years .creepy bastard

Thank you. Can I report him anonymously? He knows where I live and I very much doubt I’d be believed as he’s got such a good reputation, but if I can do it anonymously so it’s there for future reference I’ll do it.
I don’t like the idea of anyone else being in this position I’ve just googled it and it seems it’s common and there’s calls for cameras being put in cars.

OK, I'm not sure the OP is coming across well here, but just for general information: it's a regulated profession, and you can absolutely report a driving instructor to the DVSA for unprofessional or offensive conduct - you can google for ways of doing this and what info to give them.

You would have to give the DVSA your name etc, but you can request that they don't share these details with the instructor. So they probably won't know who reported them. I doubt you're the only one he's groped.

https://www.gov.uk/complain-about-a-driving-instructor

When my DD was having lessons aged 17, the older male instructor made a point of saying right at the start that he wanted her to feel comfortable and he would be staying on his side of the car at all times unless it was an emergency situation.

She'd heard some stories about other instructors and she really appreciated him
being upfront about it.

It doesnt matter if you are single, married or inbetween. He should be respecting YOU and he isnt. He has overstepped a boundary and I would be reporting him to the relevant people. Even logging with the police. Who's to say others also havent? It all builds a picture. Get another instructor.

Yes you can OP but the DVSA are less likely to act on it. I can assure you that the DVSA will not disclose your name/address to him. Good luck

If you have to ask, then he is. Get a new instructor.

you’d think he’d have more respect for another man’s woman.

I'd hope he'd respect all his female students. It's not OK to treat single women like valid targets for sexual harassment.

If you have to ask it's generally a yes. I would report him too, think of all the young women he has access to. God knows what he's already done.

Disgusting creep.

I wish I’d said something at the time but I just froze. Then I thought maybe I’m touchy he’s just old school and tactile and taking it the wrong way.
Do you think he'd squeeze the thigh of a man he's teaching to drive? No he bloody well wouldn't, so it's nothing to do with him being tactile, it's to do with him being a letch.

I know what you’re saying. It’s me he did it to and having a partner shouldn’t make a difference. I think though once a man or woman knows you have a partner it’s disrespecting not only the person they make a play for but their partner as well. This is why I find it doubly offensive, it offends two people.
I’m busy looking now for a woman instructor I got a message earlier about my lesson next week and felt physically ill.

I’m going to report. I just wasn’t sure if I was taking it the wrong way with him being older and having such a good reputation and a family.

God yes of course. What I mean by that is they shouldn’t insult another man and a woman shouldn’t insult another woman by showing interest in their partners, single people who are interested in each other yes but sexual harassment that’s a whole different ball game I’d like them all strung up whether the women are single or attached.
I hope that’s not what you think I’m inferring it’s most definitely not.

I've heard the phrase before too, OP. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. It's a fairly normal attitude to think that people shouldn't try to chat up, hit on or otherwise entice someone to enter into an affair. And, as you've explained, your meaning (and most people's) isn't about ownership, just commitment.

One think I'd point out about the way you've used it, though, is that it frames the driving instructor's actions as him just, sort of, making an enquiry as to your interest. As though it's a mutual exchange, and your objection is that he shouldn't be doing it because you aren't single.

But he isn't making an enquiry where the issue is that you're insulted he seems to think you might be interested in an affair. He's sexually assaulting you. When you think about it first and foremost in those terms it makes that aspect a bit superfluous. Why would someone who's sexually assaulting you give a damn about your relationship status? And, obviously, a woman being single or not has no bearing on how bad it is of him to sexually assault them.

Your concern about that aspect seems, to me, like it's probably a bit of a deflection from the fact he's sexually assaulted you.

I think this sounds very dangerous. He sounds like a pervert, even if he does not realise this himself. I would definatrly tell him not to touch you and tell him how iuncomfortsble it makes you feel. If you still feel uncomfortable getting into the car with him then I would definitely be looking for another instructor. Perhaps female?

His age is irrelevant,I'm male 60 I don't go about touching other women as it's unwelcome and sleazy.
In the confines of a car with no escape..nah this guy needs hauled up for it.its not often I need to say I'm male I also don't pretend I'm female on here.

Even if he was “old school”, presumably DVSA hold drivers to standards of professionalism, propriety and accountability? His behaviour is completely unacceptable whichever you look at it.

I realise that this is not the main focus of the thread littleMillie but I want to comment on your expectation that men in general are more likely to "hit on" a single woman than a married woman, your reasoning being that they would regard a single woman as "available" and a married woman as "taken".

My experience has been the exact opposite. There are plenty of men on the look out for "no strings attached" relationships as well as men looking nothing more than a quick leg-over or blow job. A wedding ring is a magnet to both these kinds of men.

The fact that you are already hitched means, to their minds, that they are not in danger of you "getting serious" and wanting more from them than sex.

The main reason that your wedding ring makes you a target is that most of them are either married or are in a long-term relationship. They do not want to jeopardise that by hooking up with a woman who might interfere with their habit of covert, serial adultery/infidelity.

Beware in particular men who you might currently consider "just good friends" and men who are good friends with your new husband. They are the ones most likely to catch you off your guard and disappoint you by hitting on you as early as your wedding reception.

Meanwhile, your driving instructor is a disgusting pervert who is seeing how far you will let him push it. He will keep pushing further and further if you let him, until one day you are fighting him off because he has grabbed your crotch or breast or lunged at you sticking his tongue down your throat.

Then he will get frighteningly angry with you for "leading him on". Later he will tell other people to watch out for you because you came on to him and he had to fight you off. Awful woman that you are, he will say he wonders if your boyfriend/fiancée/husband knows what he is getting himself into?

Being a driving instructor is the perfect job for men like him. Not only is he alone with you but it is crucial to your success and safety that you regard him as authoritative and obey him when he instructs. He uses this psychological dependency to his advantage.

The whole basis of your working relationship is that you must comply with his demands. This grooms you to "tolerate" his first, minor boundary violation and it fucks with your mind. It is not just fear that makes you freeze, it is also confusion: surely this lovely, respected older man would not be abusing his position of trust? It must be you, you must have misunderstood.

No, you have not misunderstood. You can trust your instincts.

Get out now and report him 🙏

Gross! I wonder if all the good reviews come from men…..

you have to report him. Now. The end.

I learnt to drive at 17 as did a lot of my friends , never experienced this . He is totally out of line .
I Also know a male driving instructor ( in his 40s but been doing the job for 20+ years ) and he’s said he super careful about any touching whatsoever, even hand on hand to demonstrate steering wheel / gearstick , he said he felt super awkward when a very excited to have passed test girl went to hug him !
This is definitely not the norm and you should report him , although I’m not sure who to but must be able to google .

Of course it's not okay! There is never ever a reason for a driving instructor to touch you, especially as they've all got dual controls. Sounds like he's quite well protected because everyone in your area seems to know him and think he's a good bloke, but I'd bet you a lot of money you're not the first woman he's made to feel like this.

When I was 17 my male driving instructor kept touching me, things like putting his hand on my shoulder instead of just saying now look over your left shoulder, or when I turned on the indicator by accident he put his hand over mine to turn it off and held it a bit too long. Kept calling me "my dear". I really didn't like it, and changed instructors after only about three lessons.

A learner driver is in a stranger's car, in a very new situation, they agree to follow all the instructions and unfortunately some blokes use this to take advantage.