DH found out I was suicidal, asked me if I could clean the house...

[Maybeforthelasttime]

Had discussion with DH yesterday about feeling hopeless and thinking of ending my life. Spoke to Papyrus, which he heard. He told me he was scared and loved me and didn't want to lose me. After talking a bit I stopped crying and said I'd try to get some sleep, to which he replied: "if you have time, any chance you could spruce the house up for when the cleaner comes tomorrow?"

I can't even.

Isn’t that what a cleaner is for wtf

Wow! Hes full of empathy!

Speechless .... sending . Hope you’re ok OP.

I’m sorry, he said WHAT?!?!?

Apart from anything else, why couldn’t he?!?!? Even if you were WELL?

Wtf
Any chance it's him making you feel bad?
hugs

I'm sorry he doesn't understand , could you tell him to tidy up because you are just so unwell , you need to just do you until you feel like you are back to yourself . It's important for you to seek help now not clean your house

Is your DH part of the reason you feel hopeless?

He isn't the reason why I feel this way, but he's one of those people who just doesn't always get it I guess. I assumed he just thought: "Kay we talked, back to normal, crisis over."

Thanks for the supportive messages. I'm not ok unfortunately, but I am trying to keep fighting.

That's not on. Unless he has some theory about a cluttered house affecting your mental state then that's insensitive arsehole behaviour.

Any chance he's is trying to bring a bit of normality to the conversation and make it lighter? He has said he is concerned, maybe in his mind he thinks talking about it more at this time won't help the situation, maybe he has plans to revisit the talk when he thinks things have calmed. Or if he has confirmation you will tidy the house for the cleaner it's a backwards way of reassurance that you care about events happening in the future so don't have the intention to take your life tonight. And some sort of distraction. Clutching at straws, but men's minds are backwards, it might not have been from the selfish heartless place it appears to have come from!

Some people say really stupid things when they're floored. It's a lot to take in from a loved one. I hope he's kicking himself!

It's not even that he's trying to be insensitive, he just has a complete lack of ability to fully understand a situation (he is neurotypical). I'm just so disappointed, I thought when we talked yesterday that he finally got it and wanted to help, but that turned out not to be the case. Alone atm

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Maybeforthelasttime do you have any one that you can talk to that will be able to offer support?

Yes, but I wish that person was my DH

My DH said something similar in a time of crisis OP. In his case it wasn’t because of a lack of concern, but he finds emotional conversations incredibly difficult, and he was trying to change the subject/jolly me along/ get me thinking about something else. Ham-handed but not ill-intentioned. Only you know your DH. Some men are just hopeless when it comes to emotional support and don’t know how to have these conversations, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.

Hoping you feel much better very soon

Probably an attempt to give you something to do that will keep you busy, rather than focusing on your unhappiness. It works for some people, as something like cleaning doesn't require much thought and the physical activity can take them away from the immediately harmful thoughts for a while.

Have you made an appointment to see your GP? This is important. You need help and whilst talking to somebody on the phone is a big step, your GP will be able to do more.

Focus on yourself. He is an idiot, but probably a well meaning idiot.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I know it doesnt seem like it, but it will pass. I know you can’t imagine feeling happy again, and like your old self, but you will.

Keep talking about how your feel, and listen to the experts. They have hear this all many times before, they know how dark it can get, and how to help you through this time. It is temporary and it will be ok.

@Maybeforthelasttime

Oh OP - I know just what you mean by that. I spent years wanting my DH to change, be different, want to talk about his emotions. But it just won’t happen - he’s not made that way. Your DH may not equipped to give that support. It’s just the way he is, and you can’t change him as a person. I found it much easier once I stopped expecting him to provide support he couldn’t give - we can’t find everything in one person, after all - now I talk to my DM or friends, and it’s much better that way.

Is your DH part of the reason why you feel like this, do you think?

It's such an insensitive and inappropriate response. I'm sorry. You do deserve so much better.

I'm not depressed, or, if I am, it's only because doctors keep talking about being anxious and depressed. I have seen my GP many times, provided me with some pills, told me I was 'delusional' when I said they were making me suicidal, and was told to go on a stress management course. I've been to A&E and sent home, I've tried counselling privately, but they all tell me I need something else, yet nobody is willing to give it to me.

I can't function, my inability to do the most basic things that people are supposed to be able to do don't work for me. I struggle following instructions, never pay bills even though I have the money, pretend to be working in my high-flying job even though I spend every day lying and pretending I've done anything. I can't follow instructions, my brain doesn't work and I want to die because apparently it's all in my head (funny) and I just need to cope with stress better. Ironically I can really only function semi-normally in times everyone else is majorly stressed out, like when my husband had meningitis, or when my mum had a suspected heart attack. Any other time I'm just a gigantic failure and waste of space. However, I shouldn't be such a lazy drama queen because "I'm obviously very bright"

Just want to not exist, and DH has left for work despite all this. And I might be selfish, but if it was the other way around I wouldn't have gone. Then if I'm no longer here he'll just feel worse.

Each time I see a professional I become more convinced that I need to die.

So sorry you're feeling like this OP. Going off your last update, does any of this strike a chord with you? www.additudemag.com/adult-test-for-add-adhd/

Maybeforthelasttime
Oh dear, i do hope you are in a better place now. If not, please reach out to someone for some help and comfort eg, the Samaritans.

I’m not making excuses for your husband but I honestly believe that some men really cannot cope with or understand mental health problems and their coping strategy is to put their heads in the sand.

My ex husband was very much like this and the morning after I had given birth to my second stillborn baby he came bouncing into the ward to tell me that his cousin was getting married in the summer. It was as if life had returned to normal and I was never allowed to talk about the lost babies thereafter.

I really hope that you can get some help and peace of mind. 💐🌹🌼

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. Do you think you might have ADHD? I have it, and I identify with so much of what you say. I was/am also a bit of a rescuer and v good in a crisis, I tend to find heroic reserves of strength during difficult times - by exh definitely used to expect that of me - he would have said similar to what your dh has said. Because that's just who I am to him.

You aren't alone, I have felt as you feel xx