DH found out I was suicidal, asked me if I could clean the house...

[Maybeforthelasttime]

Had discussion with DH yesterday about feeling hopeless and thinking of ending my life. Spoke to Papyrus, which he heard. He told me he was scared and loved me and didn't want to lose me. After talking a bit I stopped crying and said I'd try to get some sleep, to which he replied: "if you have time, any chance you could spruce the house up for when the cleaner comes tomorrow?"

I can't even.

Have you felt this way for a long time @Maybeforthelasttime? How were your school years? You sound in so much pain, but there is help out there for you.

Have you ever been given any diagnosis, apart from stress/anxiety? Some of what you write: "can't function, my inability to do the most basic things that people are supposed to be able to do don't work for me. I struggle following instructions, never pay bills even though I have the money, pretend to be working in my high-flying job even though I spend every day lying and pretending I've done anything. I can't follow instructions, my brain doesn't work and I want to die because apparently it's all in my head (funny) and I just need to cope with stress better. Ironically I can really only function semi-normally in times everyone else is majorly stressed out, like when my husband had meningitis, or when my mum had a suspected heart attack" ring a few bells for me.

I struggle following instructions, never pay bills even though I have the money, pretend to be working in my high-flying job even though I spend every day lying and pretending I've done anything
You saying this really struck a chord with me. I feel like this on bad days despite my high flying job.
I don't really have any practical advice for you but I would say this too shall pass. When you are feeling down focus on your everyday victories. Everyone has unproductive days at work but you wouldn't have a high flying job if you couldn't do it. But in times like this,` you need to surround yourself with people who believe in you and I am sorry to say your husband isn't doing that. Do you have a close family member or friend you could talk to? who can build you up ?

Oh god, Maybe.
Please hang on in there. Can you change your GP?
In the mean time can you call in sick?

ADHD was exactly what I was thinking too - a very real neurobiological condition which can cause many of the symptoms you describe, and which responds really well to the right medication.

It's much misunderstood, especially in adults.

So sorry Maybe when reading your last post, I also had the same thought as Wisdom. If this is how you’ve always felt, take a look at that link xxx

Seems to me you do obviolsy need help but finding that and treating it isnt going to that straight forward.

Its interesting what you say at the end of your post about working better under stressfull situiations i have heard of that before somewhere. Sorry to read of your distress but please try your best to find the right help.

I was also going to say ADHD as that is how I feel all the time (and especially today) and it's fucking unbearable at times. If you've been mis-diagnosed and put on the wrong medication which has actually increased or created your suicidal feelings, can you urgently request a medication review, assuming you are still on the same meds that you felt were making you worse?
I'm so sorry that your DH was a bit heartless and/or thoughtless. People can be crap at showing they care or knowing what the right thing to do is. I hope you feel a bit brighter soon lovely.

What age are you op? Do you think there’s any chance this could be related to Perimenopause? Sorry if that’s way off the mark but just since you mentioned that you feel like your brain isn’t but functioning and you can’t follow instructions. Maybe worth looking into?

Can’t belive your gp told you you were delusional to believe that the medication you were on had precipitated your suicidal ideations, it’s a well know side effect of some SSRIs.

If you think hormones might be an avenue to explore there’s a specialist in London who’s name escapes me but I’ll look it up for you.

It’s no wonder you’re feeling so low.
Seriously, too many people have the skill to say what you want to hear, but actually lack the skill to genuinely sympathise and support.

Please know that you may be feeling low, but feelings can and do change.
Sometimes it’s the tiniest of changes which make all the difference. Just leaving the house, finding a coffee shop, get a fictional book and lose yourself in another world. When your head is buzzing from the delights of the book and the multiple lattes, you can pop back home to a beautifully clean house (thanks to the cleaner only). Do something for you, because you deserve it. Notice yourself.

Ps my mother used to clean before her cleaner arrived.....

Sending lots of love. Please find another support person. It's ok to take some time away from your dh inorder to feel better. Please prioritise yourself over him, he may not understand and you really need someone who does. Xx

I asked my GP for an ADHD referral, but he was not very sympathetic. I called the crisis team and demanded an appointment, but I don't have much hope. Yes, I've felt like this since childhood. I am eligible for Mensa membership (not bragging, trust me) and coasted through primary. At secondary school I started to struggle. My mother has all sorts of MH issues and got with someone who emotionally and sexually abused me until I was nearly an adult. I told people all the time, but nobody really cared. People knew! My mum, my school, my mum's exP's friends. Everyone knew and nobody protected me. And on top of that, I couldn't cope with schoolwork, but that, according to school was logical as I had some "issues" at home.

I had to repeat a year in school, managed to somehow graduate and start uni. Quite a talker so have always lied and talked myself in and out of things. Get job, pretend, pretend, lie, come to a point where I feel either incredibly fed up or think I'm about to get ousted, change jobs, repeat.

Never been fired, but never been in a job for longer than 15 months. Always told I'm bright. Maybe this sounds like a luxury problem, but it's devastating and has ruined my life, my self-esteem, my credibility, everything. I'm just tired of fighting and want it all to end.

I am in my mid-twenties @Hellbentwellwent don't worry though, I appreciate the support of you and everyone else, makes me feel a little less alone.

Please ask for a referral for EMDR Therapy. I'm around tomorrow if you want to talk.

If your dh is causing you brain power you can't spare then don't be afraid to ask him to leave for a bit.

I completely understand why you feel the way you do after all that. Have you ever had any long term therapy for the sexual abuse you suffered as a young person? I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like you also have imposter syndrome as well, constantly waiting to be 'found out' in your jobs which must be very stressful on top of workload which might be stressing you out as well. The way you talk also sounds like you don't think you should be allowed to feel sad, or stressed or whatever, that you are bright and lucky so should be content with your lot. Who has been telling you that? You are allowed to feel how you feel. Do you have the resources to pursue therapy privately, and maybe an ADHD assement privately as well?

It's not his fault. He sucks sometimes, but he doesn't deserve being in a relationship with someone as soul-suckingly miserable as me. No matter what he says.

He deserves to be in a relationship with someone he loves. That's you.

I think his comment was bloody thoughtless. I think a lot of people (and especially men, who are not socialised to talk about feelings) just don't know what to say/do when someone has a mental illness, so they try to just 'crack on as normal'. I suspect that's what he's doing and either doesn't realise or is scared to acknowledge that this is not something you can't just shrug off because the cleaners are coming.

Ps) I clean for the cleaner coming.

OP - your husband sounds a lot like my ex. When I knew things were really bad towards the end of our marriage he saw me sobbing my heart out one night and asked me why I was crying? He genuinely couldn't understand why I was upset. It made me feel even worse. I now have my strong suspicions ex is on the autistic spectrum as he had no empathy whatsoever.
Asides from this is your husband a nice guy?
Ella x

Yes he is. He totally gets that I'm Ill, but as soon as I smile or do something remotely 'healthy' looking, he forgets all about it and doesn't realise nothing has changed simply because I laughed at one of his jokes. I'm desperate for him to understand properly, but I just don't think it'll ever happen. He'll try help, but his way of helping is asking me what he can do to make it better, instead of just, you know, doing stuff. So everything around me deteriorates and festers like the open sore that is my brain at the moment.

Maybe
Do look into changing your GP, if possible, for a more sympathetic one. Seek out an assessment, privately if necessary, for possible ADHD, and specialist counselling for the abuse you experienced. It sounds like your DH has his limitations in his ability to consistently offer you the support you want, and perhaps, hard as it is, it is time to accept that and get your support elsewhere, but also do actually tell him directly if there is something he can do to help. It sounds like you do have support in your life, but do also remember that the Samaritans are there for you too, and around the clock. I think there are better times ahead for you, so do keep fighting.

Op this could be a really stupid thing to say, but in today's Daily Mail James Middleton talks about his struggles with ADD and was only diagnosed recently. It's an interesting read and may ring some bells with you!

Agreeing with the ADHD suggestion. You sound so like me, and these are all things I have struggled with and am now getting assessed for ADHD because of similar symptoms.

How are you doing today, OP?

You sound totally like me, dreamily so(I wrote freakily and it autocorrected to dreamily... just leaving it as why shouldn’t we be dreamy?!). I had a major depressive episode for SEVEN years in my twenties.

Guess what it passed, I’m fine, life has been a big success, but recently I was diagnosed with... ADD. Soooooo much fell into place.

Hang on in there dear. I promise it can get better. Life as far as I can see it is a series of massive peaks and troughs and you’re just in a trough right now.

When I think of all the things in my life that I would have missed had I gone out then...!

Also the troughs get easier to handle as you get older. But if you have a high flying job, get a referral to a private psych to check for add/adhd.

to you and lashings of very unmumsnetty hugs

Hope you're doing alright, OP. xx

I'm thinking of making an attempt and have called the hospital