I hate life

[dontcallmehon]

My dh says I have no empathy and I'm not a nice person. I'm horrible to everyone. Left my ex employer's last year after having bad time with depression. I started tutoring (was a teacher). Got a phone call from teacher at my old school saying I'd questioned her marking. I tutor a girl in her class. I hadn't. She was horrible to me. Wrote a letter to the school asking that they don't ring me at home as I don't work there anymore. Got nasty letter back. Feel like no one wants me here any more. I seem to make people hate me without meaning to.

[dontcallmehon]

My personal number is not advertised anywhere. So they had it because I was an ex employee. I don't use it for tutoring.

[Ilikethebreeze]

Its more oh heck isnt it.

I dont personally know what happens in that circumstance.
You could perhaps post on the "working matters" topic on here to see what people say about employers still having and being able to use ex employees personal phone numbers. So that that part at least shouldnt happen again?

[dontcallmehon]

It won't happen again now. I've told them I won't tutor anyone from their school again. I just feel stressed by it all. Plus I'm working such long hours. I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to succeed at the moment.

[Ilikethebreeze]

Will you have enough work if you dont tutor anyone from that school?
Sounds like you will?

[dontcallmehon]

Yes I have plenty of work (too much!) and don't get much from that school really. I just think they'll twist anything I say and I'll be on my guard all the time.

[Ilikethebreeze]

May be time to try and drop it all then?
Do you think you can do that?

I think we all have some unfortunate incidents occasionally, that need to be written off in a way?
They are the sort of things that are one offs?

[dontcallmehon]

I will try. I'm just worried it will affect me somewhere down the line. And I want them to know I'm telling the truth :( dd1 is in year 2 at the feeder primary, but I'm hoping we can move house before then and she'll go to a different school.

[dontcallmehon]

Struggling today.

[MissBlennerhassett]

Hi dontcallmehon. Struggling how? How do you feel? I'm here for a bit if you need me.

[dontcallmehon]

I can't sleep. Too many thoughts.

[MissBlennerhassett]

Understandable.

You said you suffered with depression in the past. Is this, perhaps, still a problem?

From your posts I can see that you are currently experiencing professional problems but you also appear to feel personally very isolated.

And from your thread title it would appear that you feel worse than merely professionally upset. Do you really feel that way? Please keep talking.

[dontcallmehon]

I fell asleep but woke up again. I'm ok I think. I was ok until the phone call. I value my privacy a lot and so it really unsettled me. I want to succeed in life and I'm worrying a lot.

[MissBlennerhassett]

It sounds to me like you've made a really healthy decision to strike out on your own. Your previous job clearly wasn't right for you, this way you have more freedom and less intrusion.

It will help you to try to put this incident behind you. In the scheme of things it's so small and doesn't need to be part of your present. I know it isn't easy to shake off negative comments and personal attacks but you will feel better if you can focus on the positive moves you have made.

Balls to you not being 'nice'. You don't have to conform to some ideal that someone else has set out. You are you and it would make you feel a whole lot better if you could convince yourself that that is ok.

I hope that you can see past this incident as it really doesn't need to be so big. Of course no-one likes difficult, rude phone calls, but if you don't think you did anything wrong please try to detach from it and move on.

Hopefully you've gone back to sleep now. This is not worth losing precious sleep over

[dontcallmehon]

Thanks, that makes a lot of sense. It was a good decision. I was becoming very ill and stressed. I think the phone call triggered some old feelings and I felt thati couldn't escape.

[MissBlennerhassett]

Morning, just checking to see how you're feeling. Yes, sounds like the phone call raked up some difficult memories.

Hopefully you can put this behind you. The middle of the night is a bloody awful time to be mulling over something hurtful.

I wish you good times and much happier and healthier experiences

[dontcallmehon]

Morning. I'm ok this morning. Tired but hopefully I'll get a better sleep tonight.

[dontcallmehon]

I keep imagining not being here anymore. I'm not serious, just keep feeling like life is so difficult I think. I know my family need me. I feel like if being self employed doesn't work then I'll never get a job ever again, because this incident will be used against me. I feel like I went to university for nothing. I noticed this teacher never signed my leaving card when I left. I feel like all the people I worked with, who I thought like me all hate me and are talking about me :(

[dontcallmehon]

I keep visualising parents' evening when dd1 goes there and how awful it will be as they all hate me :(

[MissBlennerhassett]

Oh dontcallmehon I'm sorry to see this has escalated into such a huge problem for you.

Do you have someone you can talk this over with in RL? Without wishing to minimize the actual situation you describe, I honestly think you sound depressed. Would you consider seeing you GP? Have you had counselling before, if so, did it help?

As I don't really know your circumstances I can't tell whether the issue can affect you professionally as you think it may. But I think you need some help to gain some perspective. I wish I could be more help, you sound so down. I'm sending you a bloody big hug and my shoulder to lean on.

[dontcallmehon]

Last time I got treated for depression I was at that school. So they should know that it was not a good idea to hassle me at home. I need to drive a lot and the anti Ds made me sleepy and although I didn't feel depressed I felt drugged up. I think it is circumstances making me feel this way - I feel a bit trapped by everything.
I'm doing school run and working now, but I'll be back later on. Thanks for the message, it does help to know someone is thinking about me.

[MissBlennerhassett]

A couple of things. You didn't go to university for nothing. Sod your last job, that is a blip, it won't end your career.

You feel bad because a very hurtful and difficult period had been dredged up out of the blue. I absolutely know how that feels. Frankly I could pull out some truly disastrous things from my working life, also some bastard people it makes me feel a bit sick to think about. Thankfully I rarely give them a second thought now because I won't give them that power anymore.

Also, you are worrying about a parent's evening far in the future. Who knows what will happen between now and then? It's the anxiety you are feeling that's making you worry so much about that. It isn't necessary. You can't control it so you need to find some positive strategies. Worrying about negative things, like career failure, isn't helping you. From what you've said it doesn't sound likely?? Banish the 'what ifs??' You don't need them!

I do know what you mean about ADs. So how about just counselling, no chemicals? I can't tell you how much better I feel these days. My counsellor drops round for coffee or lunch now and then and we just chat like anyone else. It isn't a miracle cure but it certainly can help to change the way you think, which is such a relief.

Take care x

[OliQKair]

Something occurs to me about your posts.

I've been accused of many of these things too, especially not having empathy and making people hate me without intention my whole life, and the dislike of crowds and small talk. Which you say is just the way you are. And yet, if you lacked empathy like they say then you wouldn't care so deeply about it.

Tell me, this dislike of small talk and crowds, do you think it stems from a difficulty in engaging with others and an expectation of rejection as a result of this difficulty? As for the lack of empathy, do you think it's that you don't feel for others or do you just not express yourself the same as others?

What I think I'm saying is that none of this says you are not a nice person at all, or lacking in empathy.

[OliQKair]

Tell me also, this lack of empathy you've been accused of. If someone were to ask you to tell them how you felt about something, how easy would it be? Not when typing it down, but if they asked you in person?

[dontcallmehon]

I think counselling would help Miss B, though my doctors don't seem to see it as an option. I see that I lack perspective, I just feel a bit detached from things.

I would be able to talk about my feelings to someone very close, otherwise I wouldn't. Even then I like to keep things private really. So to someone else I might look like a robot.

I think I do have empathy, but I internalize it. I'm v upset by horrible news stories etc.

[dontcallmehon]

Yes, I do struggle with small talk and crowds. It is easier not to engage. I've been told I come across as aloof or arrogant in the past.