I hate life

[dontcallmehon]

My dh says I have no empathy and I'm not a nice person. I'm horrible to everyone. Left my ex employer's last year after having bad time with depression. I started tutoring (was a teacher). Got a phone call from teacher at my old school saying I'd questioned her marking. I tutor a girl in her class. I hadn't. She was horrible to me. Wrote a letter to the school asking that they don't ring me at home as I don't work there anymore. Got nasty letter back. Feel like no one wants me here any more. I seem to make people hate me without meaning to.

[dontcallmehon]

I'm feeling this tension in the pit of my stomach. It's horrible. Keep replaying all my mistakes in a loop in my head. I keep hearing the teacher's voice. It's horrible. I just want to get as far away from here as possible.

[OliQKair]

Well, I don't know about anyone else. But I can understand that reaction, and I don't think there's anything wrong with it if that's what you mean. (BTW - being affected by someone else's pain is empathy).

Also, your post last night - Yes, perfect sense. Most people don't understand that introverted doesn't necessarily mean shy, and neither do they understand that you don't have to tell them how you're feeling to be sensitive (but I guess I can see how they find it hard to understand something they can't see).

As for small talk, am I the only one who is baffled as to why a random stranger starts asking you about the whether? It's like, "you can see the sun is out. Why are you asking me?" Obviously I just kind of smile and nod and say, "yeah, it's a lovely day."

Anyway, don't worry about thinking this thread is self indulgent (again, I was thinking the same thing about my own thread). As a matter of fact I've found this thread oddly comforting to know I'm not the only one.

[dontcallmehon]

It was about a little boy who died from an asthma attack. He had glasses like my little boy.

[OliQKair]

I suppose that depends on what the headline was. And even then it depends on how personal it was too you.

I wouldn't really know, as it is all but impossible to make me actually cry. On other hand, I've had some of those headlines stuck in my head for hours or even days and have (on a rare occasion) lay awake thinking about them, if they are quite horrid. I think it's knowing that it actually happened to someone and not being able to fully detach like others seem to.

[dontcallmehon]

Today I had to look away from the newspaper the lady in front of me was buying at the checkout, as the headline brought me to tears. Not sure if this is normal.

[dontcallmehon]

Yes I'll do that. I've always been a bit odd, but I don't see myself as odd if that makes sense. I just always thought I was very very introverted, but not shy. So that confuses people.

I don't like hugs from people unless they live in my house, or to be particularly affectionate, or to talk about my feelings (but I am actually quite sensitive). I see small talk as a bit false sometimes, especially if I think the other person doesn't genuinely want to talk to me.

When I was younger I tried to hide all this with alcohol so I could talk to people, but then they wondered why I ignored them the next day. I think it does come from a fear of rejection, so then when I do get rejected it is incredibly painful. I feel a bit isolated sometimes. This is a bit self indulgent, sorry.

[OliQKair]

Wow, I could have written those two posts about myself exactly.

No, I very much doubt that you are a horrid person because you have no intention of hurting anyone.

I've had these same problems for many years, I could get accused of arogance and I was actually listening to what someone else said, told them they were right and did it. And I'm absolutely puzzled by it. My boss is forever pulling me up on it, among other things.

I think I might be able to explain this. If you believe these things are causing you distress in life, I'd suggest you look up symptoms of high functioning adult ASD (you may find similarities in childhood and teenage years as well). I may be wrong, of course, but it does sound a lot like it to me. So maybe you could speak to your GP about it? Or possibly your partner?

It can often be less evident, but just as much an issue, for people like yourself who are obviously of above average intelligence because you'll often learn to hide it and compensate for it so that others don't really notice, as such. But the problem is still their, it's just hidden well.

[dontcallmehon]

Yes, I do struggle with small talk and crowds. It is easier not to engage. I've been told I come across as aloof or arrogant in the past.

[dontcallmehon]

I think counselling would help Miss B, though my doctors don't seem to see it as an option. I see that I lack perspective, I just feel a bit detached from things.

I would be able to talk about my feelings to someone very close, otherwise I wouldn't. Even then I like to keep things private really. So to someone else I might look like a robot.

I think I do have empathy, but I internalize it. I'm v upset by horrible news stories etc.

[OliQKair]

Tell me also, this lack of empathy you've been accused of. If someone were to ask you to tell them how you felt about something, how easy would it be? Not when typing it down, but if they asked you in person?

[OliQKair]

Something occurs to me about your posts.

I've been accused of many of these things too, especially not having empathy and making people hate me without intention my whole life, and the dislike of crowds and small talk. Which you say is just the way you are. And yet, if you lacked empathy like they say then you wouldn't care so deeply about it.

Tell me, this dislike of small talk and crowds, do you think it stems from a difficulty in engaging with others and an expectation of rejection as a result of this difficulty? As for the lack of empathy, do you think it's that you don't feel for others or do you just not express yourself the same as others?

What I think I'm saying is that none of this says you are not a nice person at all, or lacking in empathy.

[MissBlennerhassett]

A couple of things. You didn't go to university for nothing. Sod your last job, that is a blip, it won't end your career.

You feel bad because a very hurtful and difficult period had been dredged up out of the blue. I absolutely know how that feels. Frankly I could pull out some truly disastrous things from my working life, also some bastard people it makes me feel a bit sick to think about. Thankfully I rarely give them a second thought now because I won't give them that power anymore.

Also, you are worrying about a parent's evening far in the future. Who knows what will happen between now and then? It's the anxiety you are feeling that's making you worry so much about that. It isn't necessary. You can't control it so you need to find some positive strategies. Worrying about negative things, like career failure, isn't helping you. From what you've said it doesn't sound likely?? Banish the 'what ifs??' You don't need them!

I do know what you mean about ADs. So how about just counselling, no chemicals? I can't tell you how much better I feel these days. My counsellor drops round for coffee or lunch now and then and we just chat like anyone else. It isn't a miracle cure but it certainly can help to change the way you think, which is such a relief.

Take care x

[dontcallmehon]

Last time I got treated for depression I was at that school. So they should know that it was not a good idea to hassle me at home. I need to drive a lot and the anti Ds made me sleepy and although I didn't feel depressed I felt drugged up. I think it is circumstances making me feel this way - I feel a bit trapped by everything.
I'm doing school run and working now, but I'll be back later on. Thanks for the message, it does help to know someone is thinking about me.

[MissBlennerhassett]

Oh dontcallmehon I'm sorry to see this has escalated into such a huge problem for you.

Do you have someone you can talk this over with in RL? Without wishing to minimize the actual situation you describe, I honestly think you sound depressed. Would you consider seeing you GP? Have you had counselling before, if so, did it help?

As I don't really know your circumstances I can't tell whether the issue can affect you professionally as you think it may. But I think you need some help to gain some perspective. I wish I could be more help, you sound so down. I'm sending you a bloody big hug and my shoulder to lean on.

[dontcallmehon]

I keep visualising parents' evening when dd1 goes there and how awful it will be as they all hate me :(

[dontcallmehon]

I keep imagining not being here anymore. I'm not serious, just keep feeling like life is so difficult I think. I know my family need me. I feel like if being self employed doesn't work then I'll never get a job ever again, because this incident will be used against me. I feel like I went to university for nothing. I noticed this teacher never signed my leaving card when I left. I feel like all the people I worked with, who I thought like me all hate me and are talking about me :(

[dontcallmehon]

Morning. I'm ok this morning. Tired but hopefully I'll get a better sleep tonight.

[MissBlennerhassett]

Morning, just checking to see how you're feeling. Yes, sounds like the phone call raked up some difficult memories.

Hopefully you can put this behind you. The middle of the night is a bloody awful time to be mulling over something hurtful.

I wish you good times and much happier and healthier experiences

[dontcallmehon]

Thanks, that makes a lot of sense. It was a good decision. I was becoming very ill and stressed. I think the phone call triggered some old feelings and I felt thati couldn't escape.

[MissBlennerhassett]

It sounds to me like you've made a really healthy decision to strike out on your own. Your previous job clearly wasn't right for you, this way you have more freedom and less intrusion.

It will help you to try to put this incident behind you. In the scheme of things it's so small and doesn't need to be part of your present. I know it isn't easy to shake off negative comments and personal attacks but you will feel better if you can focus on the positive moves you have made.

Balls to you not being 'nice'. You don't have to conform to some ideal that someone else has set out. You are you and it would make you feel a whole lot better if you could convince yourself that that is ok.

I hope that you can see past this incident as it really doesn't need to be so big. Of course no-one likes difficult, rude phone calls, but if you don't think you did anything wrong please try to detach from it and move on.

Hopefully you've gone back to sleep now. This is not worth losing precious sleep over

[dontcallmehon]

I fell asleep but woke up again. I'm ok I think. I was ok until the phone call. I value my privacy a lot and so it really unsettled me. I want to succeed in life and I'm worrying a lot.

[MissBlennerhassett]

Understandable.

You said you suffered with depression in the past. Is this, perhaps, still a problem?

From your posts I can see that you are currently experiencing professional problems but you also appear to feel personally very isolated.

And from your thread title it would appear that you feel worse than merely professionally upset. Do you really feel that way? Please keep talking.

[dontcallmehon]

I can't sleep. Too many thoughts.

[MissBlennerhassett]

Hi dontcallmehon. Struggling how? How do you feel? I'm here for a bit if you need me.

[dontcallmehon]

Struggling today.