I hate life

[dontcallmehon]

My dh says I have no empathy and I'm not a nice person. I'm horrible to everyone. Left my ex employer's last year after having bad time with depression. I started tutoring (was a teacher). Got a phone call from teacher at my old school saying I'd questioned her marking. I tutor a girl in her class. I hadn't. She was horrible to me. Wrote a letter to the school asking that they don't ring me at home as I don't work there anymore. Got nasty letter back. Feel like no one wants me here any more. I seem to make people hate me without meaning to.

[OliQKair]

Wow, I could have written those two posts about myself exactly.

No, I very much doubt that you are a horrid person because you have no intention of hurting anyone.

I've had these same problems for many years, I could get accused of arogance and I was actually listening to what someone else said, told them they were right and did it. And I'm absolutely puzzled by it. My boss is forever pulling me up on it, among other things.

I think I might be able to explain this. If you believe these things are causing you distress in life, I'd suggest you look up symptoms of high functioning adult ASD (you may find similarities in childhood and teenage years as well). I may be wrong, of course, but it does sound a lot like it to me. So maybe you could speak to your GP about it? Or possibly your partner?

It can often be less evident, but just as much an issue, for people like yourself who are obviously of above average intelligence because you'll often learn to hide it and compensate for it so that others don't really notice, as such. But the problem is still their, it's just hidden well.

[dontcallmehon]

Yes I'll do that. I've always been a bit odd, but I don't see myself as odd if that makes sense. I just always thought I was very very introverted, but not shy. So that confuses people.

I don't like hugs from people unless they live in my house, or to be particularly affectionate, or to talk about my feelings (but I am actually quite sensitive). I see small talk as a bit false sometimes, especially if I think the other person doesn't genuinely want to talk to me.

When I was younger I tried to hide all this with alcohol so I could talk to people, but then they wondered why I ignored them the next day. I think it does come from a fear of rejection, so then when I do get rejected it is incredibly painful. I feel a bit isolated sometimes. This is a bit self indulgent, sorry.

[dontcallmehon]

Today I had to look away from the newspaper the lady in front of me was buying at the checkout, as the headline brought me to tears. Not sure if this is normal.

[OliQKair]

I suppose that depends on what the headline was. And even then it depends on how personal it was too you.

I wouldn't really know, as it is all but impossible to make me actually cry. On other hand, I've had some of those headlines stuck in my head for hours or even days and have (on a rare occasion) lay awake thinking about them, if they are quite horrid. I think it's knowing that it actually happened to someone and not being able to fully detach like others seem to.

[dontcallmehon]

It was about a little boy who died from an asthma attack. He had glasses like my little boy.

[OliQKair]

Well, I don't know about anyone else. But I can understand that reaction, and I don't think there's anything wrong with it if that's what you mean. (BTW - being affected by someone else's pain is empathy).

Also, your post last night - Yes, perfect sense. Most people don't understand that introverted doesn't necessarily mean shy, and neither do they understand that you don't have to tell them how you're feeling to be sensitive (but I guess I can see how they find it hard to understand something they can't see).

As for small talk, am I the only one who is baffled as to why a random stranger starts asking you about the whether? It's like, "you can see the sun is out. Why are you asking me?" Obviously I just kind of smile and nod and say, "yeah, it's a lovely day."

Anyway, don't worry about thinking this thread is self indulgent (again, I was thinking the same thing about my own thread). As a matter of fact I've found this thread oddly comforting to know I'm not the only one.

[dontcallmehon]

I'm feeling this tension in the pit of my stomach. It's horrible. Keep replaying all my mistakes in a loop in my head. I keep hearing the teacher's voice. It's horrible. I just want to get as far away from here as possible.