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Original poster

So desperate

728 replies

GracieLoo · 03/05/2013 23:54

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

OP posts:
Original poster
GracieLoo · 15/05/2013 14:50

I went to the day hospital, had a meeting with the new cpn, they said they'd had a call from my concerned HV, so a meeting needs to be arranged. Can't remember much from this morning, feel strange today. Feel nothing, don't care what happens anymore. I didn't feel anything when they were telling me stuff.

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TheSilveryPussycat · 15/05/2013 15:57

Feeling nothing is just self-preservation. The support system is coming, keep going minute by minute, hour by hour. Brew [hug]

cjel · 15/05/2013 18:03

hopefully they will support you without you having to make the decisions.get som e food and see if you can distract with tv for a bit. Help is on its way at last.xxx

SnowyMouse · 15/05/2013 18:20

Look after yourself as much as you can, Gracie

Original poster
GracieLoo · 15/05/2013 19:03

But what kind of help? Keep thinking I should be scared, but i'm tired, so tired and fed up of these thoughts. I have been a bit irritable with dd, she's tired and tearful. I'm then being soft with her, she's just getting mixed signals, but I don't know what to do for the best. Getting urges to ask her if she wants to live with someone else, or would she be sad if I wasn't here anymore. But I keep these inside my head as it would wrong to ask her those things, even though I really want to.

Got a friend coming round for a couple of hours, really can't be bothered, feel too pissed off to see anyone, and can't force a happy front this eve.

Why should I look after myself, it's not worth it. I don't think i'll be here next week, the urges and thoughts, and confusion and all that bad stuff is at the front of everything, feel like i'm not in control anymore. Don't know what the professionals are saying or planning. I can't cry anymore, and I think people take that as a good sign, I actually think it's worse as it's all staying inside messing me up.

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kerstina · 15/05/2013 19:17

I think the word is disconnecting ? Part of the depression. Your friend might cheer you up a bit and take your mind off things? Perhaps open up to her if you have not already.
I have just been on the other thread reading what makes you happy on chat. Have a look at it if you can. Made me a bit teary some of the replies but in a nice way.

Hoophopes · 15/05/2013 19:44

Help = well you have daily help to ensure you are safe at day hospital. You have access to CT, plus a new cpn (and believe me to have one lost and one replaced straight away is amazing.) You have your hv. You have the people you can phone to come round, help you, help with dd (have her for the night). You are on a list for appropriate therapy (but need to be more stable before you can start I guess). There is the option of inpatient hospital if you are not safe for yourself.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 15/05/2013 19:46

Ok now I feel ungrateful, sorry

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Hoophopes · 15/05/2013 19:54

No that was not the intention. Just sometimes when not well it is easy to think alone and no one there to help. Just wanted to remind you of the people and services you are engaging with. Also you can phone or email Samaritans or other mental health phone lines. You could visit your gp or even a&e if you want to see someone urgently and ct not available. Trying to think what else. You could ask health visitor to refer you to home start? Ask what groups you could go to if not at work that are friendly. Can't think what else right now. What would you like?

cjel · 15/05/2013 20:27

the sort of help you may get could be to have someone to spend time with you and assess what will be best. It could be that you get occupational help - with day to day chores, they may finally get you some regular counselling with the same person at regular times a couple of times a week, I think that the very fact they are looking to help you is a positive thing for you to look forward to, it could be the start of the end of your nightmare and the start of a happy life.xxxxxxxxxxx

Original poster
GracieLoo · 15/05/2013 22:12

I've decided to let my closest friends know, so that if (when) something happens it won't be a big shock, and I want dd and family to understand it's an illness that did it, not just me being selfish. I feel I'm completely losing it!

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Hoophopes · 15/05/2013 22:17

Cjel makes a good point there, you could get a support worker to visit you several times a week to help you care for yourself and dd at home.

Great you been able to tell people you are ill. Hope that gives you bit more support for you at home if you feel you need it. Can you ask them to review your medications, as they might be able to offer you other things to help you. Having a medication review with a psychiatrist can be really helpful.

cjel · 15/05/2013 22:29

thats a really brave decision gracie, Do you know which friend you will tell? is it the one thats coming over tonight? Are you going to tell more than one?

TheSilveryPussycat · 15/05/2013 22:35

gracie the support of friends is inestimable. (Have to say, am not too happy about some of your reasoning though).

Stay safe.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 15/05/2013 22:49

The only reason i'm telling people is so it won't come out of the blue and they can support each other. I don't want sympathy or whatever. This seems logical to me, does it sound wrong to others? I don't know what's rational and what's not anymore. I'm preparing people.

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kerstina · 15/05/2013 22:59

Your choice of words is worrying me Gracie do you think you might be better staying at hospital Gracie till you are not feeling and talking like this . Really good that you have opened up though was your friend helpful ?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 15/05/2013 23:08

Well actually, it wasn't helpful. I texted a friend, and yeah she was nice, but now keeps texting, she's really worried and not gone to bed yet, so I feel worse that someone else is suffering now because of me. This is why I don't want to tell people, was going to tell other friends but I won't, expect this friend will though, and they'll all be talking about me.

Why can't I cry anymore? Very agitated

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ColouringInQueen · 15/05/2013 23:11

Gracie hi, I'm pleased to hear you're planning on telling friends how ill you are, and I really hope you get some more support. The way you are talking now though is worrying me a bit. Please try and hold in your head that this illness is Temporary. Please dont do anything permanent. It sounds like your conversation with your hv was really open and will hopefully mean you get some more support and that could be the beginning of recovery and a step towards a positive way forward for you and your lovely dd. Take care.

Hoophopes · 15/05/2013 23:13

You told a friend who is now offering support in the way lots of people do now we have technology like mobiles. She is not suffering Gracie just showing care.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 15/05/2013 23:32

I keep reading back what i've posted and it all makes so much sense to me, and I don't understand why it's worrying people. I feel kind of at peace now, don't worry, it's the right thing. Think it is meant to happen like this. Not tonight, got to keep dd safe. Asked her dad to have her two nights this weekend but he can't so I don't know what to do yet. Feel I will talk to someone tomorrow but only to let them know. I'll get up, take dd to nursery and go to dreaded day hosp, just as normal, maybe i'll write stuff down for them. getting tired now, so brain is even foggier than usual, can't sleep though.

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ColouringInQueen · 15/05/2013 23:41

Stay safe gracie. Try and rest tonight and we'll all be here for you in the morning.

TheSilveryPussycat · 15/05/2013 23:50

gracie logic is only as good as its premises. You are assuming that somehow people can be prepared for the worst. Believe me, they can't. One of my bf did what you had been contemplating, her DDs were devastated, I went into a severe depression for 6 months. You just cannot inflict that agony on people.

I am talking v straight, I know, I am here for a while yet, if you need support more one-to-one pm me.

TheSilveryPussycat · 16/05/2013 00:50

Still here, hoping you are sleeping...

Original poster
GracieLoo · 16/05/2013 08:21

I was asleep I think, feel like I haven't slept though. Keep dealing with dd, breakfast, getting her dressed, and going back to bed inbetween. I need to get dressed, but I don't want to move. Thinking about what to put on is too hard. I don't really like the nurse that is taking over my care at the day hospital so don't really feel like going today.

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kerstina · 16/05/2013 08:50

You have been brilliant this week Gracie to have gone in to the hospital when it is such an effort, so you can do it today. Keep being honest with the staff. Your thinking is skewed at the moment, part of the illness. I know you know that. Thinking of you xxx