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Original poster

So desperate

728 replies

GracieLoo · 03/05/2013 23:54

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 14/05/2013 10:39

gracie it's alright to get attached, it is part of being human, part of being well to be attached. And once you have that experience, no-one can take it away from you, if you keep it safe inside yourself.

BWT my best friend tragically died in her 20's, I still grieve for her and yet I still feel that I am so happy to have had those years when we knew each other like sisters.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 14/05/2013 12:06

Sorry to hear that silvery. I know I'm not the only person to lose someone, people go through horrible times.

I've walked out of the day hospital, as I felt like I shouldn't be there. I felt calm, blank, no emotion. There were too many men there, one kept following me, and there are workmen there that I felt uncomfortable with. I said I had a headache so I wanted to go. The nurse asked if I had that stuff for her, I said no I left it at home, and they let me go!

Just sat in my car now. Only person I want to speak to is my cpn, and I can't. Feel like she hates me and everyone's talking about me.

OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 14/05/2013 12:16

Can you call your CPN Gracie ?
Or possibly go back into day hospital and talk to someone there ?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 14/05/2013 13:37

I don't feel like I know what I'm doing anymore! Urges are so strong and real. Phoned new cpn but made me want to speak to old one more. She told me to phone ct. I don't know what to do, feel torn.

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 14/05/2013 14:42

My point, gracie love, is that with attachment there is always the risk of loss. And yet, even if that loss happens, the risk was still worth it. You are in a dark place, and I am old gimmer and too used to loss, so my point was prob not appropriate atm.

Meanwhile, if hosp is still open, please go back to day hospital and ask someone to ring the CT for you.

SnowyMouse · 14/05/2013 14:50

Do phone CT...

TheSilveryPussycat · 14/05/2013 14:55

gracie you could even go to GP and ask them to ring for you...

cjel · 14/05/2013 15:03

YOu are in a dilema gracie, can you think what may help ? ring GP or CT, can you go back to hospital or is that closed now?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 14/05/2013 15:07

I fell asleep, was nice to have some respite from the crap stuff. But then woke up Sad Feel really sick, but haven't even taken anything. Ate some toast earlier so can't be hunger. Think I just feel rubbish all over. I know I should phone ct, but I don't know what to say, plus I have to pick dd up in a while. Keep telling myself she's waiting for me. So will get through the next couple of hours, then see how this evening goes. Kept the pills close to me all day like a security blanket! This mental pain is killing me, literally.

OP posts:
cjel · 14/05/2013 15:12

glad you had tiny respite. could still be hunger the adrenalin you are using will mean you need to eat loads, so try a bit of something else. I take certain things out with me as a security blanket.(drink, food!) security blanket is cosy!! This mental torture will not kill you, you may feel that but every time you manage a sleep or talk with dd or watch tv you are giving your exhausted mind time to rest, like a respite. will check back in a bit.xx

JugglingFromHereToThere · 14/05/2013 15:15

Glad you're looking forward to seeing DD Gracie
How old is she ? When do you pick her up ?
I think you should phone someone and get some more RL support, even if it's just talking things through with someone.
Who do you feel would be the best person to call for some support this evening ?

cjel · 14/05/2013 18:40

How you doing?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 14/05/2013 20:41

My health visitor came round this afternoon, she knows me well, supported me lots in the past four years. I had a long chat with her, it's like I don't care what I say or what happens now. She wants to speak to my cpn to see if I'm well enough to care for dd. I think I am some of the time, she's not being neglected in any way. Had two missed calls, maybe from day hospital as it was blocked and they didn't leave a message.

I feel so confused, and I'm not crying much now but I don't know if that's good or bad.

OP posts:
cjel · 14/05/2013 20:58

Glad you had someone to talk to gracie, you may at last get the support you deserve.

SnowyMouse · 14/05/2013 21:06

I'm glad you got to talk to your HV, gracie. Hope things progress in the right way for you.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 14/05/2013 21:11

Just feel things are escalating a bit, can now see social services getting involved, dreading tomorrow. Tempted to hide away in bed to avoid all the phone calls, day hospital, meeting new cpn etc. It's relentless, want a hug.

OP posts:
cjel · 14/05/2013 21:14

do you think it could be a good thing that maybe you won't go round and roung in circles now? Don't hide i'll miss you!!

Ilikethebreeze · 14/05/2013 21:21

to Gracie.
No, social services are not like to be involved, as we have discussed before.

Hoophopes · 14/05/2013 21:33

Glad you have support of HV. I was told when I was very ill it is normal for them to risk assess and refer to Social Care. Then up to SC to assess and see if extra support needed. That is the way it was explained to me when I was very upset about referral. I can see their point, they are responsible for welfare of children and if someone is struggling to care for self then it is natural to ensure enough support is in place. It could be just making sure you have people to phone to take dd when you struggling. Also because you needed the ambulance the hospital always contacts hv's.

Just like you are needing extra support right now, sometimes the whole family needs it. Hope if referral happens you can get some extra support right now. Just keep being honest to get the help available if you want it. (I was not offered any extra help, so it was bit frustrating, but)

Hoophopes · 14/05/2013 21:34

Hugs xxx

cjel · 15/05/2013 08:10

Hello, HOw are you today?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 15/05/2013 08:31

Ok, not particularly looking forward to today, but I know if I don't turn up it will just cause more problems. Feel I don't belong anywhere anymore. I'm not like the other patients, and I'm not like all the other mums or friends. Feel less alone here.

OP posts:
kerstina · 15/05/2013 08:53

Don't be daft we are all very different in life anyway!It is easier said than done I know but I am not trying to fit in anymore. I am my own person they can fit in with me Smile Glad it helps to be on here I think its wonderful this board in particular how everyone is so supportive so you know there will always be someone there for you Gracie on here.
Good luck for today will be thinking of you xx

cjel · 15/05/2013 10:08

you will realise one day it is your state of mind that makes you feel like you don't fit anywhere you probably don't feel like you know who you are at the moment, good idea to go today so they arent worried, but if you feel like doing something else could you ask them if you could do that instead? It so hard for me to say these things as its seems so impossible for you to believe but it really is true that youwill feel different at some point in the future and one day you will look back and notice that you are one of those people who do fit in.xx

cjel · 15/05/2013 13:12

what did you decide gracie did you stay or did you go?