So desperate

[GracieLoo]

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

morning gracie, what is it you don't like about the nurse? did you go ?

I've just walked out, didn't tell anyone, the receptionist didn't see. I'm not sectioned so I don't have to be there. Driven to my dads cemetery. Feel like I'm in control and feel calm, but not really sure what I'm doing? Thought about getting dd and driving off far away, but I'm here instead.

Dont worry about other people being burdened.
I did that once, but once I had told them something horrid that had happened to me, they were perfectly able to cope. And I felt a whole lot better.
I know people dont react necessarily in the very best way for you sometimes, but telling is good for you, and I think, necessary for you.

gracie talk things over with your DF for a little while. Cemetries can be v healing places.

If you can, let the day hosp know you have gone, as they need to know who is there in case of fire or other such emergency.

What Ithink you need is to find a real life friend or relation who you can regularly unburden too, who does react in the way you need them too. It may even not be the person who you expect it to be iyswim.

They kept ringing but I didn't want to speak to them, so I rang cpn to tell her to ring them. She was asking me stuff but I don't know what she was getting at, I don't think she gets me at all! I can say anything and it doesn't matter, she doesn't know me!

Gracie - you need to engage with the people at the day hospital and your new CPN. You need the help and if you keep rejecting it, then you are not helping yourself at all.

You need to think hard about this. If you decide that you won't engage with the services then they will have to consider their resources and whether they should be directed to someone who will accept the help OR whether to section you.

I know how bad you are feeling and how difficult you find it to engage with new people before you know them, but they are obviously concerned for you and want to help you or they wouldn't be calling.

Being on a section is waaaaay different to being informal. You can be refused leave and grounds leave. They can treat you against your will with depo medications. For goodness sake engage informally before they take the choice away from you one way or another.

Sorry that this isn't sugar coated or hand patting, but I know that you don't expect that from me anyway.

Speak to your CPN. Speak to the hospital. You need the help.

gracie what bh just said. Your new CPN can't get to know you if you don't give her the chance.

I second bh and TSP, if they feel you're not engaging, they may withdraw their support, or make risk assessments around you not engaging.

You really need to try to engage, they will support you through it if you do

PS sectioning is not all it's cracked up to be, being a voluntary patient is far better. I've been sectioned twice in 2 years, it's very disempowering and means you stay in hospital longer.

Agree with above Gracie you need to accept the help.Bi polar is about episodes and mood swings is it ?If so how you feel now will pass you should start to feel better soon accept the help for yours and your daughters sake. Please Gracie xxx

Gracie - are you wanting to be in hospital 24/7 - is that why you are walking out of the day hospital, to try and tell them to give you inpatient care? Just wondering.

If you continue to behave in this way then several things may happen, like other people have suggested. They may have to contact social services (any health professionals can do this) as they may be concerned for your safety and that of your dd. If you want social care involved quickly you can always contact them yourself and ask for an assessment of more support. People do not always realise this. Or you may have a MHA performed, taking away a lot of choices.

And having no choice but to be under a section (either in a police cell or in a hospital) is really no fun. There is no talking therapy in a hospital. Often little activity at all - definitely much less than at a day hospital from my experience of being at both. If you are classed as not complying to treatment then you may have little choice. Is this what you want?

Can you ask your Mum to have your dd for you again? Tell her that you are struggling to even go to the day hospital so need her to stay with her so you can have a few days of rest and no responsibility.

Hi, they will either ask you to leave the day hospital if you keep doing this (as other people need their resources and if someone is wasting it they will not keep offering it) and you will be transferred back to one hour a week with your CPN and that is it each week. Or they will risk assess you, probably do a MHA and referral to SC to consider if your child is a child in need or a child at risk, due to you not been able to comply with treatment and you saying you are suicidal etc.

Do you want that? What do you want? How can you get what you want - bearing in mind this is the NHS so can only be what people can get on the NHS? What other needs can be met for you by other people? I had great advice from someone once, which was not to rely on NHS people as they work set hours and are not there for you forever, but to build up a support network of family and friends as ultimatley they are the only ones who can be there 24/7 and meet other needs, such as hugs and compassion. Real compassion, that is not professional standards.

Gracie please please listen to the great advice you are getting here.

Being sectioned is just shit and you have no say in it, once they have decided that is that and it is just awful. And your behaviour could lead to a MHA or a reduction in support and both of those are not what you want. Please try to engage. I know it is hard.

Also be aware that while you are informal, if you present at risk and do risky things they can (and will) contact the police or crisis. Don't assume that being informal means you can do whatever you want, you have responsibilities within that.

What do you want to happen?

When I read your posts I feel like I understand what you are saying, that unbareable feeling inside is so difficult to manage. And I guess I don't know what the solution is but I do know that going from crisis to crisis gets you nowhere fast. There has to be a shift (in you and me!!) to move forward and working with your new CPN (maybe a new perspective?) and the day hospital could help you find that shift.

Have you done the recovery star? It is a tool they use in MH and I find it a helpful model.

Look after yourself.

Hi yes, Fluffy makes a good point. If day hospital doesn't see you and is concerned they can phone the police to deal with you - ie you don't return calls, walk out of hospital, have given them cause for concern. Mental health services do use the police, and if they are called they can issue a specific short term section, which usually means taking you to a police cell for your own safety. That will trigger off risk assessments with SC, lots of assessments with people who will see you just once and reports etc. Mental health workers will not just keep phoning, they can and will use the police who work 24/7 and have powers to detain if mental health is the issue.

Or they can withold services. This is what actually happened to me. They can say you are not stable for talking treatments and just increase the medication until one is a robot. And offer CT as only source of support, even taking away a cpn!! Oh I got a social worker instead!! Not trained and not helpful, just a risk assessor which is all they tend to do when one is a risk. In my experience.

What Hoop says too. I spent a shitty time in the back of a police van under a section 136 until they could take me somewhere. Being loaded into a van in public - when they caught up with me - and driven off like a criminal and even having a policewoman go to the toilet with me was a horrible experience.

I care about you. You know that. Engage fully with services.

Hi GracieLoo. I wonder if the last few posts have somewhat alarmed you.
You have been engaging with medical people for a long while now, so I am sure they know you very well indeed.

I dont think that you are in danger of some of what the last posts are saying.

I do think you are not getting on with the new cpn.
Would you be able to have a new one?

I'm scared, and now I can't go today due to childcare issues, but i'll ring them to tell them and i'll go monday. But because I know i'm getting discharged wednesday i'm scared of not coping there for my last couple of days, if that makes sense.

I'm scared of the weekend, my mum has other commitments this weekend, dd is at her dads for one night, and i'm scared of how impulsive I feel. Scared of ringing today to say I can't go, what will they do? Send the police round?!

Maybe a part of me wants to be admitted so I can feel safe, but then I think I can do this and try to carry on as normal, then it all goes tits up.

I don't mean to waste their time, i'm grateful for the support, just don't always feel i'm being listened to, and I feel uncomfortable and need to get out of there. Others haven't turned up all week, it's not just me.

I'll see how it goes with the cpn, maybe it's better I don't like her as much, then I won't get so attached.

I don't know what's going to happen today, got to be a mum! So bloody hard. I don't want this anymore.

If you cannot go because of childcare issues, and you phone to tell them they will not do anything. That is taking responsibility. They will hope you can go another day, I guess that is all.

Can you take dd out to places that make it easier - I find baby playgroups help break the day up a big.

for what it is worth inpatient hospital in an adult psych worse does keep you safe, as you are watched a lot, but in my opinion you are not listened to and it is boring.So if you can keep at home with support of CT, HV and cpn and family you will benefit so much more.

You don't have to like the cpn and it is very hard to get to know them when you under CT and day hospital as they are not in charge of your care then. It may improve when she can see you face to face on her own.

What Hoops said - if you have childcare issues, then you call and explain that to them and you either speak to your CPN and explain this is the case and ask for extra help at home or you take responsibility for keeping yourself safe today and possibly over the weekend.

While I'm posting, I strongly disagree Ilikethebreeze and dressing down what has been said is not helpful.

I've seen people kicked out of inpatient care for self-harming or attempting suicide - the thinking goes that if being in hospital doesn't stop you then nothing will. I also know that as resources are so limited, that they assess whether their services can actually help you. You can't just get a new CPN. They have huge caseloads and new people come onto their 'books' all the time.

I know people discharged from the crisis team for refusing to engage and I know people who have been drugged to the eyeballs in the commuity as they won't follow the advice given. I also know people who have been sectioned then given depo as they won't comply with advice informally.

I've been an inpatient and I do voluntary work with people with MH issues in the community as well.

I really care about Gracie. I've chatted to her a lot over the past weeks here and elsewhere and I would be doing her a real disservice if I didn't tell the truth.

These days it is all about co-managing one's condition, the aim is for you to be in recovery dear gracie, and we are all 100% behind you.

GracieLoo doesnt have to go to day hospital if she doesnt want to.
She goes there because she wants to and chooses to, as she thinks that is the best for her right now.
So she isnt going to be sectioned is she?
GracieLoo is in charge of things. [GracieLoo, you can correct me if I am wrong, I wont mind].

Hope today is going well. If you have to be with your dd today, then you have to be with her. Hope you can make it a nice day.

Ilikethebreeze - no Gracie doesn't have to go to the hospital, it is an offer of support for her. But if she has childcare issues and tells them that they will understand.

Hope you and DD are ok enough. hugs